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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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Reged: 03/12/13
Posts: 3
Negative guy with questions about sex
      #271093 - 03/12/13 04:27 PM

I am not sure that this is the right place within the forum to post something like this but I couldn't find another area that seemed to apply any better. I am a 26 year old gay man. I have been sexually active in the past but have not been for quite some time because of a negative experience I had with someone who turned out to be HIV positive. I came out of the closet at the age of 23 and the main reason for me coming out was that I had fallen in love. It was a first for me and a really great experience. After several months we became sexually active which was also a first for me and I felt that we had done everything the right way. We had both tested negative ( for me getting tested was more for the experience ha ha) The relationship lasted two years and had it's ups and downs like most I guess. About a year and a half ago it ended and the effect it had on me was pretty intense as it was my first break up. I fell into a pretty deep depression. In order to try and get out of the funk that I was in I decided to leave town for a few weeks and stay with my parents (I have the ability to work from anywhere). While I was in the town where my parents live I met someone (on Grindr) and we met up a couple of times for dinner and your typical get to know you stuff. This was only my second time around the block with this stuff and I was naive and assumed that it would go the same as the first time. Before I knew it and within that few weeks he had invited me to stay overnight with him. I agreed to go out with him that night and to see where it led. Before we went out I met him at his place and pretty soon we left for dinner and I kind of figured we would be heading to a gay club later and probably be drinking. I asked him then if he had a condom and he said he didn't and that we would have to grab one sometime before we got back. I remember thinking to myself as we left that he was crazy if he thought anything was going to happen without one. We went out and had a fun night and did end up at a club dancing where I had enough to drink to be considered drunk. As we got back to his place later that night I was still pretty obviously under the influence of alcohol. We got into the shower together and before you knew it he was inside me without a condom and I wasn't even hard nor did I orgasm. Within a few minutes he had and it was all over. As I sobered up that night in bed laying next to him I realized that I had been really stupid but in order to fall asleep I told myself that it was the first time in my life that I had behaved so dangerously and that hopefully the odds were in my favor. After that I spent a few more weeks in this guy's town and things went pretty well. If we didn't see each other that day then we spoke on the phone that night. He was charming and pretty successful in his career. About a week after our sexual encounter I got brave enough to discuss with him my anxiety about what had happened that night. As I started to bring it up he interrupted me to say "you want to know if I'm clean." in a very friendly way. He apologized for what had happened and said the only reason he had let it happen was because he knew that he was "clean". I felt immediate relief and I could hear in his voice that he was really sorry for causing me that anxiety. He also let me know that night that that had been his first time topping and he had really enjoyed it. I asked him if we could go ahead and get tested and he laughed it off saying he would definitely do that for me. He reassured me that my worries were partly because I was still "new gay" and that society promotes the idea that the gay world is full of disease but that it actually isn't.
As the next week progressed I tried to get us together to get tested but he started to get annoyed at my persistence. My anxiety started to grow again but I have a tendency to be a little high strung so I tried to explain it in that way. One morning, a few days before I left to come home, I got a facebook message from a man who was claiming to be this guy's boyfriend and letting me know that I was being lied to. Eventually we exchanged phone numbers and I was able to talk with this guy over the phone. I told him that we had had unprotected sex and this guy was concerned for me and told me that his boyfriend had a bad reputation in this town for being very sexually promiscuous. Well this immediately freaked me right out but I got home in one piece and tried my hardest to resume normal life. At this point I think I had been tested three times within the two weeks of my possible exposure. ha ha This guy found out that his boyfriend and I were communicating a little and was obviously very upset with me. He did finally agree to get tested after my pretty obsessive persistence on the issue as long as I paid for his test because of the inconvenience which I gladly agreed to do. That morning that he finally got to the testing center his test result came back inconclusive. They told him they would send it to their lab for further testing and send him the results via email. He told me he would let me know as soon as he did.
I never heard from him again. As the weeks and months went by I fell into a pretty deep depression. I did seek out some help from the local AIDS agency who were amazing. They assigned me a case worker who was an angel and there for me anytime I needed her. Even with all of this I could not get myself to get tested. I was certain that I was positive and was starting to go through the steps of accepting it. After about six or seven months I had done an ok job of putting it in the back of my head. Around the eighth month I got a text from this out of town guy from all those months ago. He wanted to say that he was sorry and asked if I thought he was a bad person. He had tested positive and wanted to know if I had found a good doctor. I told him that I had tested negative ( I lied ) and that I didn't hate him but to please never contact me again as it took a lot of work to sort through everything he had done to me and I didn't want to relive it. At that point I decided that I had better accept that I was going to live a life as an HIV positive gay man. Even with that it took me another three months to break down enough to go get tested. I called my dad on my lunch break one day and just totally broke down on the phone with him. I told him everything that had happened and he agreed to fly in as soon as the AIDS center where I was involved was doing there testing and we would go together and get tested and move forward.
The day of the test came and my dad was by my side and to my amazement, the test came back negative. That day can easily be considered the best day of my life. I learned how much my dad loved me and also that I was being given a second chance to make smarter decisions.
At the center on the nights that they do testing they also give safe sex and behavioral counseling. That night and since I have taken responsibility for what happened. It really does take two to tango and I am not just some victim. I learned about the consequences of traveling and being away from your friends and also under the influence of alcohol and how it causes things like this to happen a lot. We talked about condoms and lube and all of your typical safe sex stuff. Before you leave they have you sign your safe sex plan that you make together. When they asked me what I was going to do to avoid this in the future I joked "Never have sex again". Even though I wasn't serious, they didn't even laugh because I guess a lot of people say this and it isn't a realistic game plan which I totally agree with.
Since then, that statement of never wanting to have sex again has become somewhat true for me. I am scared to death to have sex. I am usually a bottom and I just feel so vulnerable. My reason for this post has two purposes Part of it was therapeutic to just put it all out there as I haven't talked to anyone about it except my dad and the AIDS center case worker. The other part is I would like some advise on how to have a healthy sex life and not feel like I'm risking my life every time. I know the obvious answer is to use a condom but for some reason it just doesn't put my mind at ease. I have heard so many stories of them breaking and just not working like they should. Thank you for reading my story. Any input would be appreciated.

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Reged: 06/18/09
Posts: 306
Loc: Georgia
Re: Negative guy with questions about sex new
      #271410 - 03/29/13 09:08 PM

It is NEVER a bad thing to care for yourself! This especially includes trying to prevent disease before it happens rather than treating after exposure.

Before I answer your question about having sex let me say that for years I've worked for a facility that tests for HIV. We have NEVER sent results to anybody through email. I don't know what the procedure is for the place you got tested, but no matter what the result is we require they be here in person to find out. If negative we want to discuss safer sex habits. If positive we want to let them know we're here to answer questions and to get them started into care.

You're like so many others with whom I've discussed safer sex. Scared to death and going to be abstinate for the rest of their lives. That doesn't even make for a good pulp novel. Truth is you're human. You will go through phases when you want sex and times when you don't. It's normal. Often outside activities (such as being scared at a test for HIV) will influence these feelings one way or another. Don't try to write off the entire human race in an instant. Realize that you are going to have sex and you need to assume responsibility for your actions and try to have sex safely.

The person you have sex with also needs to be responsible. It makes sex a much more enjoyable activity if both parties are working with the same goal in mind.

Condom use. No, condoms are not 100% effective at preventing HIV. Nothing except abstinance will be. But, properly used a condom can be your best buddy. Each good condom is well over 99% effective at what it does. And, that tiny part of 1% does NOT add up. It is stil very strongly recommended that you DO use a condom. It is SO much more effective than using nothing.

Condoms break. A cheap brand of condom will break more easily than a better quality brand. If you're having very active sex you should check regularly to ensure the condom is still in one piece. There's nothing wrong with replacing a condom in the middle of sex.

Another thing you need to be sure is that you're using a condom compatible lubricant. One that's NOT oil based. Silicon based lubes are great but more expensive. Water based lubes can be good, but often require additional mositure or more lube. Hand/body lotions or vaseline are almost always oil or petroleum based lubes. Great for moisturize dry skin or keeping things from sticking. Terrible for condoms. The oil in these lubes will eat the condom and leave nothing except small shreds.

You do have an alternative. With the recent allowment of home HIV testing you could test each of your sex partners for HIV before having sex with them. The test is only 20 minutes. This would slow down but not stop sex (providing the partner is HIV-). You would probably also need to perform the test on yourself each time. Just to let the other person know you weren't being two faced about wanting an HIV- partner. The only drawback I see with this solution is the cost. Each HIV test runs nearly $50. Not chump change.

What can I tell you?

Enjoy life! If you don't enjoy living why do it? Have sex. Have sex responsibly. Know that you can use a condom for penetratvie sex. Know that there is much sex beyond penetrative sex. Maybe you can ask at the clinic where they did the test if they know of any sex classes where you can discuss and possibly learn new things that can be done safely.

Never take anyone's word for whether or not they have HIV. The only way you can know for certain is if they get tested in front of you. Always practice safer sex. Besides HIV there are dozens of other STD's that can be slowed or prevented.

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Reged: 06/23/12
Posts: 49
Loc: Alabama
Re: Negative guy with questions about sex new
      #271929 - 05/05/13 02:31 AM

I'm surprised more people haven't responded to your post. iam1 gave you some excellent advice. So many guys either lie about there status, or don't tell the truth about having been tested. Some guys have been tested, but it's been eons since there last test and really don't know what there status is. Was glad to hear, and happy that your test came back negative. Good luck in your endeavors!

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