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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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njpozdad
Regular

Reged: 01/26/11
Posts: 51
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Unhappy with my life *DELETED*
      #254693 - 03/09/11 08:35 AM

Post deleted by njpozdad

Edited by njpozdad (03/18/11 08:17 AM)

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kicker
Moderator

Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #254727 - 03/10/11 01:24 PM

I don't mean to sound like an ass, but I will in hopes to get you to think about what I am about to say.

If your life is an "intense juggling act" why bother looking for a relationship that you have excuses not to pursue?

My point being that sometimes to build a wall around the hurt we feel from self stigma of being HIV+ we put ourselves deeply into everything else around us. Anything that may focus our attention back at ourselves and the feelings are wiped from our lives or avoided rigorously. In alot of cases relationships with others is a huge road block, because of fears, self worth, and our desire not to be seen.
I have seen many times this to be true, a relationship is the ultimate opening up of one self and until you are comfortable with you there will always be too full of a plate to have one. Even if you tell yourself that they are wonderful.

Probably not the kind words you were looking for...

Edited by kicker (03/10/11 01:25 PM)

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njpozdad
Regular

Reged: 01/26/11
Posts: 51
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #254752 - 03/11/11 08:54 AM

Thanks for the perspective.....I always threw myself into my life, obligations, job, etc, etc even before the HIV....But I understand what you are saying....the fact is that I do want to open up to someone eventually but I am 51 soon to be 52 so my clock is ticking and gets louder every day.....my primary focus has become my three kids and to some extent helping my ex wife through this very difficult time....so I don't really have the steam for me issues.......You make some very good points and I will think about them and.........you don't sound like an ass to me....just a person with a perspective that needs to be explored........thanks!

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MissouriMammal
Member

Reged: 06/15/05
Posts: 19
Loc: SW Missouri
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #254755 - 03/11/11 01:00 PM

Hey NJ;
As I read your post, I was amazed at all that you have on your plate and all of the stress that you must be feeling. Take it from a long term survivor that stress and HIV do not go together. I would suggest that you try to eliminate as much stress as possible right now and quite frankly, trying to start a new relationship would only add to that stress. Perhaps when your responsibilities to your ex-wife and kids no longer require so much attention, you can focus on matters of the heart. On the other hand, if someone is meant to be in your life, all of the stressors should work themselves out and a new person will just fit right in and maybe even help these situations! Good Luck!

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njpozdad
Regular

Reged: 01/26/11
Posts: 51
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #254774 - 03/12/11 01:56 AM

Hi MM thanks i am trying to reduce the stress and have more time for me....The guy I met and I have talked and he is supportive of my role as ex husband and father....I will try to take more "me" time and start to let some of the things I do take a back seat without neglecting anyone....When Ken came into my life it was so unexpected and I don't want to let him go..........stress and hiv don't mix and I know that. Just taking one day at a time.......thanks for the advice.....

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NcLongtermer
Member

Reged: 03/17/11
Posts: 15
Loc: North Carolina
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #254844 - 03/17/11 01:27 PM

Thanks for your post. At one time, I was faced with the plight of living with stress and HIV and it was killing me, literally. After I was forced to leave my job, due to HIV complications, at a nationally acclaimed medical center in the Southeast, my health turned around 180 degrees. I entered a healing mode and the medical problems began to be reversed.

It would be wonderful help to have a close relationship with a guy who will always have your back. I'm finding it difficult finding a life partner because I have very high standards, but I am hoping to at least find that one guy who would always be here in the difficult time, and vice versa.

Best of luck finding your relief. Wish we lived closer so we could at least be buds.

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psgoodguy
Newbie

Reged: 03/17/11
Posts: 1
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #254845 - 03/17/11 01:30 PM

hi dad: in my experience, it's was always easy to make excuses to avoid emotional intimacy. i never felt very lovable and was sure being HIV+ knocked me out of contention for a meaningful relationship. it wasn't until after and AIDS diagnosis, a month in the hospital and 2 years of recuperation that, at age 50, i finally understood that a life full of 'business" was just a tactic i used to keep my emotional distance from people. confronted with death i realized that i've only got one stab at this thing called life. luckily, i met the man of my dreams, also with an AIDS diagnosis, and we have had 5 happy and wonderful years together.

i think we all are willing to make time for those important things in life. i'm sorry it took me so long to understand that i am one of the most important things in life.

i also have a couple of friends in your situation and i have seen them overcompensate to their ex's and families due to the guilt of "breaking up the family." maybe you could take a look at that and see if that's what is going on.

finally, if i were having your feelings i would seek the help of short term therapy to help get an outsider's perspective on your situation.

good luck to you. i would give your new found guy a chance. maybe he was sent to you to help you with the crazy life you have. partners have a way of doing that.



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MikeNUSA
Newbie

Reged: 11/02/09
Posts: 2
Loc: MidAtlantic
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #254848 - 03/17/11 02:23 PM

I am 52, poz, have an exwife and children who are in their 20s. You are doing a good thing, keeping involved with your children. It is better to be an involved father instead of a deadbeat dad. There is a difference, so don't let your children guilt you into thinking you are something you know you are not. Two of my child-in-laws (two of my kids are married) have told me how my children told them I was there, with the money, though their mother complained about money. I say this, because there is your story, your exwife's story, each of your children's story, there is the father's story and the mother's story. Does not mean anyone is wrong or someone is right. It is not an easy road, it is worrisome, dreadful, cheery, all types.

Whatever life you are making for yourself, is a good thing. You don't say what life you are making with your children APART from their mother. There are things, to do together, but things, you & she, needs to do with your children, separately. This lets the kids see you are okay, their mother is okay (hopefully), more importantly, the kids feel they are okay. Children will still think they are to blame somehow. Even when you tell them it is not their fault.

I am sure you have guilt, this is normal and somedays, that guilt is feeling unbearable. Here is where you must be careful with yourself. It is easy to give in and do something dumb for quick relief or to ease the pain you are feeling. This is how mistakes are made, whatever it may be.

If the mother of your children is spending her time with the children, while you are not working, then you have time, for yourself. The 'you' time, is where you can decide to pursue this person you have found. Realize, not every bit of 'you' time, will be spent with this person. You still need 'you' (me) time. This is good, even if you are in a marriage, working, with or without children, etc.

I suggest you review the '7 Habits of Highly Effective People' and take from it, the parts that you can fit and use in your life.

As for being on short time, you really do not know this. You could die tomorrow, in five years, 20 years or 30 years. There really is no way of knowing and it is better this way. I have seen people who retired in their early 60s because of health reasons (not hiv) and were given less than five years to live, where they are alive at 83! I've seen some where they died quicker than were told. There simply is no way of knowing.

Do what you can with your life now, watch your food intake, watch your weight, eat healthier as much as possible, take supplements if you need, try not to live in compartments with your life.

For this new person, give it time. There is no need to rush, this is the beauty of a real relationship with another. You have lived the man/woman have kids, life, but life is not this way for many in reality. It only appears to be. This is true no matter the sexual orientation. You are simply one, who has decided not to live this way. Good for you! Don't! But, you will have to rework your view of relationships and what they mean to you and those involved with you.

Peace

--------------------
Mike

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Pozince78
Newbie

Reged: 03/18/11
Posts: 1
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #254855 - 03/18/11 02:24 AM

Hi There--Your post makes me wistful and somewhat sad, because altho' I know nothing, really, about your life, I fear you may be passing up something altogether rare and special that may haunt you with recrimination as you grow older and (the gods forbid) pass away. Here's my perspective: I learned my own father was Gay while I was attending academy, around the age of 15. Up until then I'd spent untold energy hiding my real self from everyone, but most especially from my parents as they'd always expressed such high (and self-serving) expectations of me and my future life. Anyway, that drama would take pages just to outline, so I'll get to the point. My dad is now 83, going strong, and while he tries not to show it, is always on the verge of a hysterical, emotional collapse. He has become so dependent on my domineering mother, and waits on her hand and foot (she used guilt and religion to train him after she discovered his tendencies when she returned early from her job as a nurse and found him in bed with another man). It confounds my imagination to wonder what he'll do if she departs before he does. As far as I know, and I think I know just about everything concerning this issue, my father hasn't had a satisfying physical or emotional relationship with anyone of any sex since he fought in Korea and had a relationship with the man I'm named after. He is naturally subservient and self-effacing (an "Omega Male"), and now he seems to demonstrate a total lack of self-worth, any expectation of deference or respect from anyone, anymore concern for his own right to dignity, happiness and "the good things in life" than he had as a child. He is the most likable, gregarious, entertaining individual imaginable. Each week, some 20 to 25 of his former employees take him out to eat, but not a one of them has a clue what he endures in his private life, the needs that aren't met, the (probable, but unexpressed) wish that he'd lived his life differently. Of course, he's of an entirely different generation and I have dedicated myself passionately to living my life in an entirely different way; however, my concern for you is that you are putting the most precious of life's gifts on a back burner and instead dedicating yourself to a diversion which probably won't outlast you and which will never grant you the satisfaction or excitement or just plain care that you might get from taking a chance on a relationship with another human. Have you considered the possibility that you may be a "workaholic," addicted to your work as a way of avoiding the passage of life? Or perhaps dedication or guilt connected to your sense of fatherhood is interfering with your willingness to pursue or be pursued by this new friend? Many other possibilities come to mind. Frankly, all I really know is that I don't know. Perhaps a therapist would? It seems to me like the most logical and productive course you could take. Please just don't end up "married" to your job. At the very least, in the current economy when people who have worked at a firm for 25-30 or more years are getting their pink slips, relying on one's work to replace human affection should give one pause. My thoughts and hopes are with you. I wish I were wise and could say something definitive, but all I can do is share my own observation, experiences, and hope they provide even a crumb of assistance to you in this struggle.

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njpozdad
Regular

Reged: 01/26/11
Posts: 51
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #254857 - 03/18/11 08:13 AM

Thanks Mike so much to think about

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NcLongtermer
Member

Reged: 03/17/11
Posts: 15
Loc: North Carolina
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #261025 - 02/07/12 04:05 PM

Hi, thanks for your posting. I saw on your profile that we have something in common, I am, also, a pianist and very acitve musician in Raleigh.

I would like to hear from you.

Michael
MrNcTourism@aol.com

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riverprincessModerator
Moderator

Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1788
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Unhappy with my life new
      #261047 - 02/08/12 09:35 AM

Hi there , after reading your posting I sorta had to chuckle. Please don't get offended , it wasn't at you but more so cause you reminded me of a couple of friends. Those where the moms are constantly running here and there , to soccer practice , dance classes, football practice , anything that their child is involved in they are running with. And then theres my other dear friend that is such a workaholic that she complains of never having time to meet anyone , let alone dating . So you see my friend your far from being alone. We live in lives that can be full of " appointments" I'm truly sorry that your wife is dealing with her own illness , I'm sure that is making the stress level greater. All I can say is just find 5 minutes here and there to just breath, focus on our Lord and know that He will show His strength when you are feeling your weakest. And if you want you can message me , if you can find the time. lol hugs to you my friend

--------------------
Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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