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celloy
Newbie

Reged: 06/08/09
Posts: 3
Loc: Miami
HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! *DELETED*
      #246379 - 07/01/09 10:16 AM

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gwridens
Newbie

Reged: 06/25/09
Posts: 8
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #246383 - 07/01/09 05:38 PM

It sounds to me as if your issue is more than just a "ready for sex" issue. While it is not uncommon for recently diagnosed people to want to abstain from intercourse, it sounds to me like he may be using his HIV status as an excuse to avoid that kind of contact with you. I'm not a professional counselor, but his actions (based solely on what you've said) seems to suggest the obvious. I was diagnosed in March of 2008 and to this day my partner and I have yet to have intercourse. This is for the same reason your boyfriend is professing. I'm not ready to take it to that level yet out of a petrifying fear of infecting my partner. It's not a rational or even realistic (if protection is used) fear, but it is still there. You can't understand the fear, so don't try. Only someone who is in our exact situations can relate. You are doing the right thing by being patient and waiting. If his fear of infecting you is truly the reason he is abstaining with you, then it is something only he can deal with and it cannot be rushed. It would be horrendously unfair of you to try.
That being said, I've found that "gut feelings" are there for a reason. If you have a feeling he is being unfaithful, then you should address that in whatever way you see fit. If you believe (or find out) that his issue truly is that he is afraid of infecting you, you should be patient and give however much time he needs. Be thankful that he is thinking of you (obviously someone didn't give him the same consideration). If you can't wait, let him go. He has one of the worst diseases known to man and he will need someone that can deal with everything that comes with it, both physical and emotional.

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celloy
Newbie

Reged: 06/08/09
Posts: 3
Loc: Miami
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #246386 - 07/01/09 08:45 PM

Thank you gw for the insight on the matter. I'm glad that I was able to connect with someone who shares a common frame of thought as him on the issue. I have been patient and will continue to do so.

I wonder one thing. If he is afraid of infecting me or anyone as he claims, and he is actually having sex - Is he not putting some unsuspecting person at risk. At least I am aware of what I'm dealing with and have accepted it. His logic would seem to be flawed - if that really is the case!

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gwridens
Newbie

Reged: 06/25/09
Posts: 8
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #246388 - 07/01/09 10:45 PM

If he is sleeping with someone else, and they are not aware of his HIV status, then you are absolutely correct. If that is the case, then many other issues are opened up. Specifically, he is committing a crime and can be prosecuted.
If he is sleeping with someone else that is aware his HIV status, then that is a relationship issue that the two of you will need to work out between yourselves. No one who doesn't know you can justifiably give you relationship advice.

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Dare2Love
Newbie

Reged: 07/02/09
Posts: 1
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #246397 - 07/02/09 05:43 AM

Hi Gause,

I have read your story and it felt as if I am reading my very own story! Not only are the facts (to the date) so closely related to my story, but everything you said is what I have experienced over the last year with my partner

I have not found a man whom I have loved more deeply and cared for more than my current partner. He is a wonderful companion, friend and lover. We are also compassionate – hugging and kissing. Nothing better than to feel my man’s warm body close to me at night, Hear his breathing, his touch and experience his care. I am also not trying not to put pressure on him, but I am in desperate need of sexual intimacy with my man, not just sex!

I can find sex anywhere and anytime, but I am committed to MY man and want to be with NOBODY, but only my man. I suppose I have old world values and ways of looking at things and may be naďf in many ways, but I value monogamy and would rather split, than have an open relationship! I could never deal with an open relationship – would just kill me!

My partner previously (prior to meeting me) had “fuck buddies” and he says that it has worked for him because he could decide when he wanted to have sex or not – meaning he had sex and a sex drive. He is very defensive if I want to talk about our situation. We had wonderful sex at the start of our relationship, but have very little sex and this makes me feel as if I am competing against “on-line” daddies and porn stars and could possibly never fulfil his fantasies! He has assured me that it is only on-line and not real people. When does fantasy become reality? Where is the line? How do you tell? He tells me that he does not have sex drive at the moment, but he is still watching porn on his own and masturbating. Is this healthy and right? Is there such a thing a right or wrong? I do not want to let him go and fully understand the implication of our relationship – HIV and AIDS - and I am comofrtable with our relationship!

I know, more than anything else, that I really truly love him with all my heart! I want to trust him! I want to be next to him and care for him as he cares for me! We are a great team!

I am lost… I do not know what to do! I truly love him and want to be with him, but do you honestly think his behaviour, like your own partner’s behaviour, is rational and will we ever be able to understand it? Could we possibly understand - fi so how? How do we deal with ithis?

What do I do to keep a positive outlook in my relationship and ensure that I do not push my man away?

Please share your thoughts and ideas!

Regards




--------------------
Need some help and guidance please...

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August69
All Star

Reged: 03/22/08
Posts: 79
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #246421 - 07/03/09 02:12 PM

I guess I could be considered the other side of the story. I am the one in my relationship that does not want to have sex with my partner. I have been with him for 17 years (open right from the start at his insistance). He became infected about 5 years ago when he was addicted to meth and was not in a frame of mind to care about himself or anyone else. This was also the time frame where I stopped having sex with him. I became infected 2 years ago by a mutual friend who has since killed himself.

I love him with all my heart, just cannot bring myself to have sex with him. I must admit that when I first became poz, and for a good year and a half , I did not want to have sex with anyone. I really felt sick. I have since started meds, and feel much better. I now have a better sex drive, and frequently go online.

There are numberous reasons why someone does not feel comfortable having sex with someone they care about. The big one is that they do not want to infect (or reinfect) their partner.
I have found thou that if the affection tapers off, that is not a good sign. That is generally a sign that they are looking elsewhere.

He could be having a difficult time with his hiv and is not feeling well.

He could be having a lot of stress at work, or stress just coping with the hiv.

He may not want to burden you with years of treatment, cost associated with the disease, etc.

I think you need to have a difficult discussion with him as soon as possible. Find out where he is heading in the relationship. It could be that he is planning something romantic for you. Really hard to say without knowing his personality.

When my partner found out he was positive, he almost left me without telling me. He did not want to burden me with his problems. I told him that leaving was not an option and we would face this together. I do love him and care about him.


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allangering
Regular

Reged: 07/04/09
Posts: 46
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #246479 - 07/09/09 05:53 AM

I understand that you and your boyfriend would feel very overwhelmed with all that is happening. First I would urge you and your boyfriend to be sure that the doctor you are seeing is very experienced in HIV . The fact that your boyfriend probably became infected. If he is not become ready for that so you don't force him. I thing you should trust him.
_____________________________
Natural cure for genital warts


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FLOWERMAN
Newbie

Reged: 06/18/09
Posts: 5
Loc: Rochester, New York, USA
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #246738 - 07/28/09 09:19 AM

I too am in a sero-disconcordant relationship. I have been for 12 years and it can work. There is a lot of concern from my partner about infecting me so we do not go into activities that are high risk. When you look at the "menu" of sexual activities the low risk one's out number the high risk. Insertive sex has been agreed to be out, BUT there are still "toys" that can be used, just dedicate specific ones to each partner. Other than that everything else is fair play.

There are time when my partner has low or no sex drive, it can be low testosterone levels, a combination of the medications, "guilt" or a number of many other things. Be paitent.

When I compair the quality of my life with him in it, to what it was before we met and he disclosed, I am so lucky.

I have done a total professional change, I now work full time in the fight aginst HIV/AIDS, the ignorance that so many people have, and working with people infected and affected by HIV. If I had never met this man, I would still be existing in a very boring life.

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allen42
Member

Reged: 02/08/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Michigan
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #246832 - 08/01/09 07:51 PM

Not knowing either of you well enough to give good advice I can offer some food for thought. Respectful open and honest communication is key in any realationship. If you're having doubt as to his reasons for puting off penitration then you should talk with him about it I don't believe any one would see that as being pushy. I can also say my sex drive disappeared for almost two years after first being diagnosed it's a lot to deal with and if you're not in his situation it would be impossiable for you to understand all of what he's feeling and I dont believe it is un realistic that he is being honest when he says he's just not ready yet. Again my best advice is talk to him and keep the coomunication open Best of luck to ya both Allen

--------------------
Allen W Murray

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DS86
Newbie

Reged: 08/01/09
Posts: 7
Loc: New York
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #246845 - 08/02/09 08:56 AM

Wow. I could almost swear you were MY boyfriend posting this about me. Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over a year now. You hit a lot of good points but one thing that I am sure others and yourself have thought of is to tell him to seek professional help. Talking through this with a therapist or a close friend, to trully get to the bottom of his fears will help. I currently have the SAME problems and its really hard. I still have issues when we have sex, but only me and my boyfriend are able to have anal intercourse but not always as long and as pleasurable for both as we would both like. I recommend that you bring that up to him in the most loving and affectionate way. I am curious to know how you are both doing now because me and my boyfriend still deal with the same issues. Feel free to send me a message, as hard as it can be, I can only imagine how much you want to share your boyfriends body and love in bed but I know personally that it's hard sometime. The stigma of infecting our partner and putting them through what we have delt with is something that would probably drive me to suicide ( not really ) but close. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. My name is Joe, I live in New York and I am 23. Although I don't agree with the open relationship and sometimes without that strong sexual connection you get tempted to stray but if the love is there then it will definitely last. I could not imagine living without my boyfriend at this point in my life. I wish you the best of luck and keep in touch.

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jcruz898
Newbie

Reged: 09/02/09
Posts: 3
Re: HIV - with HIV + boyfriend....PLEASE HELP!!! new
      #247417 - 09/02/09 02:49 PM

Hi, I am HIV + and my boyfriend is HIV -. When we met we had a great sex life and still do. I do admit after finding out my status my sex drive has gone down. I very attracted to my b/f but sometimes don't get the urge like I use too. Give him time and he will come around. It took me a while to come around but things have been getting back to normal. We have been together for 3 yrs. Its hard but you also have to remember sometimes you need to try new things. Role play or set the mood. Show him how much you love him and he would really appreciate that. Sometimes it's hard not to wonder but keeping a positive out look is important.

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