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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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livesinadream
Regular

Reged: 06/29/06
Posts: 33
Loc: minnesota
Made an awful mistake...
      #243368 - 11/26/08 03:17 PM

I have done something very awful which I earnestly hate myself for.

I've went on a few dates with charming man and thus far we had a very nice time. I did not disclose my status however on the site we met on I did leave the answer blank. (Technicality who cares right?) Last night we went out, had a few too many drinks and we ended up masterbating eachother off to orgasam. We came on my chest so there was no penetratation or fluids exchanged. Today as I woke up I immediatly was so angry and hated myself I didn't know what to do. I feel like the worst person alive. When I was told I was poz I swore that I would always be up front as I could about my status and that I would never take away the choice someone had taken from me. Yesterday I broke that promise. I'm completely disgusted wth myself. I know what I have to do now is tell him my status, tell how sorry I am and how awful my choice was and hope he doesn't kick my butt. I like this guy but I realize that I've probably messed up any chance I could have ever hoped for. I know that the risk was fairly low but that is neither here nor there. I just don't know how I could have ever done this or how I can contuine to live with myself herein. An awful feeling today... I wish I could take back my stupidity and weakness.

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Jackie__Blue
Legend

Reged: 01/20/07
Posts: 1186
Re: Made an awful mistake... new
      #243370 - 11/26/08 04:56 PM

I know that this is something you are going to have to comes to terms in your own way. I agree with you about letting other people have the right of choice and it won't be easy to talk to this guy. But for what it's worth. You did NOT put him at ANY risk. Mutual masterbation is not a risk for transmission of HIV.

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Btony
Regular

Reged: 11/15/08
Posts: 25
Re: Made an awful mistake... new
      #243385 - 11/28/08 08:49 AM

There is no sense in kicking yourself for something that you cannot change now. WE all have made choices that were not the best. This guy might also be positive and did not tell you. He might understand and he might not. That is the chance we have to take everytime we go out on a date and disclose. Just learn from this so next time (and there will be many next times) you will make the decision that you are okay with. At least you just masterbated and did not do anything that might put either of you in a bad situation.

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livesinadream
Regular

Reged: 06/29/06
Posts: 33
Loc: minnesota
Re: Made an awful mistake... new
      #243387 - 11/28/08 10:17 AM

I know I didn't put this person at any risk I just feel so bad.. I feel like this isnt a way to be open about yourself and who you are. I am trying to discover that line of disclosure and dating. I wanted him t get t know me a little before he knew this aspect... So where is the right place to be? Tried disclosing before I met anyone (which seemed to provide a lack of dating) and then when I leave the status as ambiguious I feel like I'm being decieptful and not fully open about who I am which I hate..... Thanks for support all ...

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Btony
Regular

Reged: 11/15/08
Posts: 25
Re: Made an awful mistake... new
      #243413 - 12/01/08 07:39 AM

There is no one right answer unfortunately. Leaving the status on a site open is not being deceitful. In today's world, it is something we should ask each other if we are going to be intimate or sign on for the long haul. The time to disclose is when the situation may or is turning in that direction. If you are just going out for a cup of coffee, why say anything? I know this does not help much in the way of giving you the answer you seek. Just take it as it comes. You will know when is the time and when not to. Trust your inner self and do get discouraged if things turn out bad at times. Life is full of up's and down's. You are a good person for wanting to be honest.

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RayNGrant
Member

Reged: 12/12/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Minnesota
Re: Made an awful mistake... new
      #243784 - 01/08/09 04:32 PM

First off - yes "technically a mistake was made" but no real damage was done physically. So please don't beat yourself up so over this.

Secondly - it is in MY opinion to be upfront about your status - and if a dating/hook-up site (let's REALLY be honest here as to the intentions!) provides the ability to specify your HIV status, BE HONEST.

For a lot of men, the HIV status is ultimately a deal-breaker REGARDLESS of WHEN you disclose, so why waste each others' time if that's going to be a significant issue...

I have been with guys who didn't disclose until AFTER we'd had sex. The activities we engaged in weren't activities that I feel were a risk to me so I was never concerned about becoming infected. However it always left me feeling just a little bit mistrusting of the guy that he knowingly didn't disclose. The integrity issue is very important for a lasting longterm relationship.

That said, given the current hysteria that exists in the male to male sexual community and the hostility and fear and misinformation that exists, it's understandable how DIIFFICULT it is to make a disclosure and dealing with the rejection thereof.

That is something you'll have to work through. And it is better to disclose from moment 0 your status and get that out of the way. If the guy is gonna be weird about your status, better he does it BEFORE there is ANY emotional investment on either of your parts.

My 2 cents...

Ray


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