The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App 
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol

HIV Life >> Gay Men

Pages: 1
New User

Reged: 11/19/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Memphis
Haunted by my own life
      #243245 - 11/20/08 01:10 AM

I'm still here. I'm still technically alive. I've lost a dozen friends and two lovers. I've tested neg every January since 1988. I thought I had the grief under control, but I've really hit the wall. The horror is playing out over and over in my mind.. Every day is a tear and snot-fest. How do we deal with what we have witnessed? For those of you that have been around here awhile, poz or not, how do you cope with seeing so much that no one should ever see?

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Haunted by my own life new
      #243366 - 11/26/08 06:10 PM

Well, the list of people I've lost to this disease is over 20 and yet I accept the fact that life is about change and that rarely is it possible to remain in the same place all the time....mentally or emotionally. So I seek out new friends or new places to visit or new things to interest me.
I wish you peace.... and... oh...Happy Thanksgiving.

6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Reged: 11/15/08
Posts: 25
Re: Haunted by my own life new
      #243386 - 11/28/08 02:01 PM

I have a hard time with it at times. Mostly when I visit the places where my friends and I shared laughs or some good times. I miss them but I cannot bring them back except in memory. I have not been positive as long as you but I knew of people that were positive. I have to admit, when I saw the AIDS quilt for the first time I cried. Not for myslef or my friends but for all the victims. I was amazed at what I was seeing. Lives taken or just changed. I wonder what would these people have given to the world had medical care had been more readily available. I am angry that this disease was put on the back burner for so long during the Reagan years. many of my friends did not have helth insurance in their jobs so the medication was too expensive. Plus the doctors were few and far between in our area.

How do I get through it? I just do. I cry when I need to, laugh when I need to and just carry on. I cannot imagine losing a partner but it is a reality I may have to face since my partner is HIV + too. Take comfort in your friends but never forget these wonderful people.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
New User

Reged: 12/11/08
Posts: 4
Re: Haunted by my own life new
      #243513 - 12/11/08 12:14 AM

Can I suggest that grief is not the only emotion you're experiencing? Death is a part of life, and while people have a reasonable expectation that they should not have to experience as much as you have, the fact is that for many people people in the world it is statistically much worse. That's not to invalidate your feelings. I've not lost as many as you, but I've seen the devastating impact of HIV, an impact that I think is only exacerbated by the euphoria we felt during the 70s and early 80s as mainstream acceptance began to look possible. From a high to such a crushing low.

But for many survivors (both HIV pos and neg alike), guilt can become a tangible, insidious emotion. Could this be true in your case?

Life is precious, and I don't think the ones who are no longer with you would want you to suffer so much. Enjoy life and enjoy the fact that they brought you joy and happiness and that others can do the same in the future.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
New User

Reged: 09/11/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Indianapolis, IN
Re: Haunted by my own life new
      #243517 - 12/11/08 03:49 AM

I have had many thoughts concerning things of this nature. I have honestly lost track of how many friends I have lost to AIDS. I have lost two friends that I had been sexually involved with for an extended time, but did not consider them to be lovers, and many guys that were casual sexual encounters over the years.

I am currently in a 26 year relationship (it has not been monogamous for some time) and my partner was diagnosed with HIV a little over a year ago. His CD4 was below 100 and his viral load was over 116,000. This was all found out after taking him to the emergency room one evening because he could not breath. He was admited, treated for pneumocystis pneumonia and in the hospital for a week. His CD4 has still not reached 200, even though his viral load is undetectable. Thankfully he is alive and still with me, even though he is having some difficulty with the situation.

I have been tested since testing began here in the mid 80's. Since my lover tested positive I have been tested every 3 months, and I remain negative. Believe me, I know the feelings you are experiencing. Yes, I am thankful that I am negative, but I wonder how and why I have remained this way. My partner does not discuss this with others, therefore I am very limited in a support base to talk with concerning the situation. He has to be the person to disclose his status (or at least give me permission).

Please, try to look at the brighter side of things and your own personal health. I am not in perfect shape, but am better than many my age. My partner is now receiving treatment and seems to be improving. He has been on Atripla for just over a year. We are working through things as best we can...

Keep going, hang in there, and be thankful for what you have, including your memories of those who have gone before you.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Reged: 03/15/07
Posts: 38
Im just a MUM new
      #243521 - 12/11/08 11:05 AM

I do inderstand how you feel and the sorrow and pain BUT
Unlike so many your are negative.Im certain your late lovers and pals would be so sad to see you in such a state.
Sweetie death is death know matter what the cause.
Aa MUM and an ex nurse I think you need help.
Grief councelling is for every one and to be able to just sit and talk and rant scream and howl is healing
IM English we dont do :showing emotions: but I did it and its the best thing I ever did.
Other thing you may think on about is Voluntry work say in a childrens hospital a few hours here and there if your working weekends most volds do 4hr shifts no more.
I promise you walk the wards in a childrens hospita
It will lift you. Join PHLAG Join partner groups there is so much help out there when I think back 25 years ago it dosent bare thinking about yet here we are 2008 Try to concentrate on what you have the pals who are still here. I wish I could make you see how blessed you are your negative and god willing you will stay that way. Be happy celebrate your pals lives by gfetting on with your life you are honouring them
Chin up sweets god bless and honest your not alone

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  

Reged: 03/15/07
Posts: 38
See your on new
      #243524 - 12/12/08 12:55 AM

Take care keep on living not just for you but for all those who have died. To do less is to disrepsect them
So get help depression wise grab life eat it all up
Love your pals family but mostly YOU
All the best Margaret

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
New User

Reged: 04/23/08
Posts: 3
Re: Haunted by my own life new
      #243544 - 12/15/08 01:57 PM

I know all about being 'haunted'. I was so haunted by death that I finally moved to another state. It really helped.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1

What's New at

Additional Information
0 registered and 1 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, gigi, riverprincess 

      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 7973

Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

UBB.threads™ 6.2.3