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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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livesinadream
Regular

Reged: 06/29/06
Posts: 33
Loc: minnesota
hanging on...
      #243185 - 11/16/08 12:52 PM

Well I've been poz nearly 3 years now... Seems like only yesterday that I came on here about a week after being told to find the support and help I needed. I can't say how wonderful it has been to have this place. I haven't been back here in awhile, but I think I need some support again.

About a year after my diagnoses I met another pos guy that I started a relationship. I'm sure many of you understand the emotional depth of your first poz-poz relationship. This guy taught me so much about how to be stronger, be ok with who I am, not feel shame.... so many wonderful lessons. Unfortuantly we ended things about 7 months ago as he moved away. These 7 mons have been awful and I'm terribly lonely. I miss my lover and my best friend in so many aspects. With him I could 100% be myself and open about being positive. In my otherwise life I haven't told anoyone about my status for fear.. fear of people changing their perception of me from a stong man to a weak, sick, dying person which is of course not true at all. I just want to be treated as I always have and dont want any perceptions to change with others...

My dilemna is that I'm so bloody lonely. In the midwest here there is such an awful stigma against positive men and there are no youth support groups (I have been to a few different groups but I never really felt like I fit in) So I spend my time hoping to meet a guy on gay.com or manhunt or poz.com.. how stupid I know but at least in these venues I can list my status as ask me or blank. Its my way of putting my foot in the door of the second comming out so to speak. I just really wish I could have someone to help me through this rocky road of life. I'm tired of sitting at home on the weekends. I'm not a big bar fan and enjoy activities with some depth like museums or concerts or what have you. I guess what all my rantings are ravings are about boils down to I'm lonely, sad and wishing I had a partner in crime to help me navigate this rocky road. Someone to lean on when times get tough because I'm tired of always leaning on myself. I'm sure many others are in a similar boat I guess I just felt like venting a bit..... thanks for listening all..

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Btony
Regular

Reged: 11/15/08
Posts: 25
Re: hanging on... new
      #243200 - 11/17/08 06:51 AM

I understand the issue of being lonely. I live in the South and it is not much better here. There seems to be a stigma everywhere when it comes to being positive. When I was single, I would want to date but would be faced with the issue when to disclose my status. You don't want to tell everyone nor do you want your business on the street. When I dated, I was rejected by many guys when I told them which made me think that I would be alone. I did meet someone a couple of years later and we have been together for many years now (almost 12). Try to hang in there and know things will happen when you least expect them to. You can always talk to us here if you need to vent or words of encouragement.

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NYCBob
Newbie

Reged: 05/29/07
Posts: 1
Re: hanging on... new
      #243347 - 11/25/08 01:36 PM

Friend, I'm from Indianapolis, have been Poz since at least 1986, though another man who was poz near DC loved me, now I"m not sure. Want to move to another city next march, and work with minority kids again, also write some novels and plays. Sincerely, another Dr. Bob

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alaricedmonton
Newbie

Reged: 11/25/08
Posts: 1
Re: hanging on... new
      #243349 - 11/25/08 03:47 PM

Hey bud,

I was diagnosed on Sept 11 of 2008 - talk about irony! What's kept me going has been the courage displayed by the main characters in the Bucket List movie. I decided that I wasn't going to let a virus destroy my life, instead I'm living my life for whatever excitement and adventure is left coming to me.

I tried disclosing my status on various dating websites and in chat sessions on gay.com only to find the vast majority of people were deathly afraid of being infected and wanted nothing to do with me. But keep in mind, HIV is fairly common these days since it's been around for so long. You're likely not the only pos person in that chat room.

I've been very fortunate though to have run into another pos gay man relocating to my city for a new job. We've been in touch by msn and skype (kinda cool using skype to watch a DVD together by webcam) for a few weeks now. Things look like they have some potential so the test now is seeing how well we get along in person when he arrives this weekend.

But status aside, dating is tough enough. I'd suggest just filling your life with other things - find a hobby or get started writing that novel you've been putting off. People are attracted to others who are outgoing and those other activities will also make you more interesting to the potentials out there, whether they're pos or neg.

That special someone will come when the time is right. But you know what they say about a watched pot - get out and live your life, the guys will show up in time.

Jason

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BrokenWingedBird
Expert

Reged: 11/30/04
Posts: 113
Loc: United Kingdom.
Re: hanging on... new
      #243360 - 11/26/08 05:08 AM

Hi, "LivesInADream". I live in a very remote area like you, without hardly a gay man within a 50-mile radius. I have confided my HIV status to my doctor and she confirms there are no other HIV people living in this area. The difference between you and me is that I have a long-standing partner. I know that if I didn't have him, this would not be the place to be. I would HAVE to upsticks and plunge myself into the middle of some big city where I knew there was a BIG gay population with all the usual support groups. Getting HIV is a terrible thing, we know, but it also requires extraordinary adaptability from us. Or rather it challenges us to be really brave, when otherwise, without HIV, we might just have trundled on through life in a very hum-drum fashion. From what you say it sounds to me like you need to screw all the courage you have inside you up into a powerful fist and move yourself, lock stock and barrel, to a completely different environment. It will seem like its tough. But you can plan it. Ensure you have savings to carry you through. But once you are there, you MUST introduce yourself to all the support groups, don't continue on alone. Get along to ALL the HIV-support groups you can find and introduce yourself. Your world will open up and change. And it's much more likely that you will meet someone and form the relationship you desire than if you stay put. Do be brave!

Lots of Love to You.


--------------------
Without a dream, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly. Keep hold of your dreams.

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billyboi
Newbie

Reged: 05/29/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Tampa, FL
Re: hanging on... new
      #243568 - 12/17/08 10:18 PM

After reading your post, I realize that's my life right now with the exception of finding anyone to date. I have been poz for 4 years and thank GOD, no sickness or medications. My body is doing something to take care of itself. However, I am finding it very difficult to find guys to talk to much less date, about my status and someone who may give me some insight about what I can do to stay "positive" about my outlook on life.
I too experience loneliness and not having any intimacy. I found this site and have hesitated to come on here, but after reading several posts, I decided to respond. I am lost honestly. Despite my brave face once I am out of my apt., I have a good job and my social life is good as far as being active with sports and such.
The problem is dating. I am hesitant about going on sites expecting anyone to be serious about dating. It's not like there aren't many "lookers" just most of them are very superficial (even some that are poz) and lack any realistic expectations of just being decent. Anyway, I try my best to stay upbeat about the future, but being single for a VERY long time (6+yrs)and dateless, I've gotten discouraged and have lost some hope.
I feel ya on the "partner in crime". It'd be nice to have someone to share things with both good and bad. I have to hope and be optimistic about my future. I don't think anyone wants to be alone as they age, but it seems like there isn't much out there to be "excited" about as far as a relationship.

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Btony
Regular

Reged: 11/15/08
Posts: 25
Re: hanging on... new
      #243576 - 12/18/08 07:24 AM

Hi Billyboi. I do not know what I can say without sounding like a broken record or a counselor. Before my partner and I found each other, we were resigned to living alone for the rest of our lives (pretty sad outlook when you are in your 20's). All I can say is that someone is out there and may turn up when you least expect it. It may be a work buddy or someone you have known for a while. It is difficult to date even when you do not have HIV. In my experience, a lot of guys just want a physical relationship with no emotional attachments. Now that you have an added piece of luggage to your life, it seems even more difficult (but not impossible). I went through a lot of guys until I found my partner. Once I disclosed my status, I got everything from the cold shoulder to "they were busy". Try to keep your chin up. If it happens for you (and I do hope it does), great. I found when I was not looking, love found me. I hope these few words of encouragement help.

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