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livinghope
Newbie

Reged: 09/14/08
Posts: 5
A lonely place
      #242035 - 09/14/08 06:22 AM

I tested positive exactly a year ago. I am not on meds yet as my immune system is reasonably good. Although i've accepted my status, my fear is other people knowing about it & perhaps judging me because of it, therefore I have only told my sister. I am still with my long-term partner of 11 years and love him dearly, but I just can't bring myself to tell him that I am positive. Our relationship has been eventful over the years, my partner has a gambling addiction and has suffered bouts of depression as a consequence, our physical relationship took a bashing and we stopped having sex almost 6 years ago, but we still love each other even without it. About 3 years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life & slept with someone i'd met in the City - that's when I contracted HIV. I feel so ashamed of what I did & can't believe that one stupid mistake has changed my life completey. I also feel very isolated & lonely because I don't have anyone to talk to other than my sister. I often look at my partner I wish I could just talk to him about everything that's been happening to me, but I wonder if I will ever tell him about my status.

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August69
All Star

Reged: 03/22/08
Posts: 79
Re: A lonely place new
      #242043 - 09/14/08 06:34 PM

Sounds like reality is, you have a very close friend with whom you share living arrangements. Like a lot of relationships it sounds like you have developed into more of a roommate type of relationship instead of lovers type of relationship. The fact that you cannot bring yourself to tell the truth about your status tells me you do not really respect him or respect yourself. (You deserve to have someone who will accept you for who you are, not what they want you to be)

My partner and I (together 17 years) have gone through many difficult times, alcoholism (both sides), Crystal Meth addiction (his) a few break ups, moving to different cities, etc. The main reason we are still together is the communication. He became poz back in 2004 when he was hooked on crystal and having sex mainly in bathhouses when he was stoned, and I became poz in 2007 after playing with a friend of ours.

I can forgive lots of his downfalls, but lying to me, putting me at risk, not telling me, would definately be the end.

I guess in a nut shell, what I am trying to say is If I was your partner I would be very pissed off you did not tell me.
If you did tell him then you would be able to work TOGETHER at battling this disease, or work on getting on with your life without him. (you are either going to stay together or break up)

Good luck with whichever decision you make.

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livinghope
Newbie

Reged: 09/14/08
Posts: 5
Re: A lonely place new
      #242061 - 09/15/08 04:24 PM

Thanks for your message, there is a lot of truth in what you say and underneah I know you are right. I think my main problem is that i'm having real difficulty accepting what I have got. I feel so ashamed of myself so keeping it to myself puts me in denial because I believe it iisn't real if other people don't know about it. I know it sounds crazy but it's just the way I feel. I love my partner & I know it is selfish of me to keep something like this from him, but it's my only coping mechanism at the moment. I am also releaved to know he is HIV negative because I managed to persuade him to get tested without me revealing my own status. At times I really want to talk to him about it but each time I clam up & find myself withdrawing from the moment. I would also like his support in managing this illness but worried that it will send him into a spiralling depression again. I don't know anymore what the best solution is. What I do know though, is that my life is miserable at the moment and I don't think it's good for me to cope with this in isolation indefinately. Maybe time will tell.

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sonnyldy
Newbie

Reged: 09/18/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Illinois,USA
Re: A lonely place new
      #242113 - 09/18/08 06:34 AM

I am a 40 yr old female who has been Hiv+ for 19 yrs.My suggestion to you.In order for you to get over the fear of ppl who might judge you.Don't tell everyone,only tell those who really love you.Know that it is your responsblity to let the person you will be getting intment with deserves to know.Thinking the person you contracted it from knew,it would be better you knew.Then it would be up to you to further contact with that person.Yet be thankful you were told.Here is a confendence builder.If the person you tell gets upset say " At least I told you,instead of you finding it out some other way."Most of the time that person will agree with you.Your long term relationship of 11yrs,you should be able to know how he will act.Also you would be surprised how ppl act when you reveil.Once you do tell,you will feel a weight lifted from your shoulders.You might even say "Ahh that was better."

--------------------
My friends call me Sonny.I guess because I am a very upbeat person.

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August69
All Star

Reged: 03/22/08
Posts: 79
Re: A lonely place new
      #242114 - 09/18/08 11:32 AM

At least you are aware of the fact you want his support. Hopefully this means you are moving in the right direction. Denial is just one phase we go through, sometime it lasts longer than we would like. Have you spoken to your Dr about getting support, or getting pointed in the right direction to speak to someone who can help you come to terms?


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livinghope
Newbie

Reged: 09/14/08
Posts: 5
Re: A lonely place new
      #242117 - 09/18/08 04:15 PM

Yes i've been referred to a consultant psychologist to discuss how I should deal with these issues.

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survivor4me
Member

Reged: 06/09/06
Posts: 19
Re: A lonely place new
      #242135 - 09/19/08 10:25 AM

hey, email me. I think i can help. I am in a LTR (15+yrs), diagnosed 2 yrs ago.... am in a similar situation and I can only tell you that I not only felt I loved him so much as to tell him (as I might lose him) that I also needed his support as my best friend. Please email me for more.

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livinghope
Newbie

Reged: 09/14/08
Posts: 5
Re: A lonely place new
      #242157 - 09/20/08 02:16 PM

Thanks for your kind words, I guess it's going to take some time for me to come to terms with things myself but i'm ready to start.

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