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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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Reged: 08/08/08
Posts: 5
Emotionally going crazy
      #241218 - 08/08/08 08:02 PM

Hello, this is most likely going to be a long post: I tend to over write and especailly when I have a lot on my mind. But I will be greatly appreciative of anyone who takes time to read and advise on your thoughts and opinions.

Here's my story: I was dating a guy for a few months, since December. We ended up fighting about something really stupid and had about a two month break. In that time, we both tried moving on I guess. However he ended up drinking and having unprotected sex with another man once. This happened about three weeks before we got back together.

He then started to notice things show up on him. Yes he was definitely infected by several STDs. Luckily when we got back into it we were safe however I knew he still needed to be tested. I was really concerned for his health and feared HIV would be in him.

He was so scared to tell me what had happened, I told him I loved him any way and that I would go with him to get tested. He didn't even want to do that because he was ashamed of it. It was as if he was more concerned about his image than his health (and he still is to an extent).

So we went, the quick results test showed me to be negative for HIV, but he was positive. I initially started crying asking him to tell me he was joking and just trying to mess with my head. You know, kind of hoping it was going to be one big giant bad dream.

But it wasn't. I missed work for 2 days, just crying because I felt like I lost him. It was as if he was not the same person anymore. At first I felt like I could not even touch him the same way. We have made progress on that.

Yet I am still struggling. I want to be able to go to group therapy but he does not. We compromised to a couple's session if we could find one. No progress on this so far.

I am very mad, angry, upset, sad, scared, concerned, and ignorant to a lot of this. I know that the information is out there but it is just too much for me: I don't know where to start. I figured that I need to get my emotions under control first before I can start to fully understand.

Sometimes I feel like he does not even care: he is too scared about what people will think that he does not want anyone to know. I understand he is a private person, but I am VERY open about myself (and I understand I have to respect his wishing seeing he is the one who is going through this and not me). I have respected his wishes so far but I feel like he is asking me to sit on my hands to do my job at a computer.

I am the type that has to talk about what is bothering me, ask questions, get opinions: and at the moment I cannot. I hate that I feel like I cannot even talk to my close friends for their advice and support. So hence being here on this message board

I try to talk to him and he changes the subject. He says that he copes with things by being strong yet I feel that it is a weakness that he avoids the subject and/or is procrastinating.

I love him: no doubt about that. I want to be with him, I want to spend the rest of our days together. I want to go with him to the doctor every time he goes. It just sometimes feels like he is being distant and still keeping things from me while I am wanting to know everything.

I requested that he contact the guy who infected him: maybe he does not know what he has and he is infecting others. I feel it is the right thing to do. And if he does know, nothing he can do but move on knowing we tried. He cannot bring himself to do this. I just feel so angry that he could be doing this to someone eles's son, partner, father, cousin, brother, friend, etc.

Thoughts? And I apologize if this is unstructured, it's just how my thoughts are flowing at the moment.

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Reged: 03/22/08
Posts: 79
Re: Emotionally going crazy new
      #241354 - 08/13/08 08:10 PM

Everyone handles this at their own pace.

My partner became poz from what we could figure back in Dec 2004 or there abouts when he was dependant on Crystal Meth (really messed with his health and his mind). He is a very private person and he did not get tested until Dec 2006. He is now a health guy with a good CD4 count and a low viral load. (this is good) and he does not need meds.

I became poz June of 2007 and my numbers did not recover. I currently need Meds and now after being on meds for just over 8 months my numbers are finally getting back to the "Normal" range. (and no it was not my partner who infected me but a friend of ours)

I guess what I am saying is that HIV affects people differently. Sometimes the body can recover and just needs to be monitored, and sometimes we need meds right from the start. The best thing to do is ask questions, read up on the disease. This site has a lot of information for people who need questions answered.

I found a lot of information on what the blood tests mean, when to be worried, what to look for..etc.

How long ago was your friend diagnosed? Is he seeing a specialist? What are his numbers? CD4 count, Viral Load? These are all things as a partner you should be concerned with. Also, hate to be devils advocate, but HOW LONG has he been infected? You said he was very private..when was the last time he was tested?

Having HIV now adays is not the death sentence it used to be years ago. He will still have a long life ahead of him if he monitors his bloodwork. You are both very lucky to have one another in your life.

e-mail me if you need to chat.


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New User

Reged: 03/30/07
Posts: 7
Loc: Alabama
Re: Emotionally going crazy new
      #241629 - 08/25/08 04:44 PM

I went through quite a bit of denial, depression and bottling up of my feelings upon my diagnosis. I had felt like life was over for sure, and even returned to my usual dependence upon cocaine. I have since been one year clean from cocaine and I am currently reading Dr. Mehmet Oz's book on eating properly and beginning to exercise again. I agree with Mr. Bear ( Hugs to ya!) about everyone handling this on their own terms in their own time. No one has to the power to overcome anything on your behalf, it's something you have to do for yourself, when your ready.

Support is the key to overcoming anything. What one can do with a kind ear of a listening person can only help to make achievements come about more quickly. Chin up and if you are not partners anymore or supportive. It helps!

Living through it in Alabama.
YIM screename = imposteramos

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