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HIV Life >> Gay Men

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New User

Reged: 07/22/08
Posts: 3
Loc: New York City
How Safe Is Safe?
      #240885 - 07/22/08 04:28 PM

I am newly diagnosed gay male who is trying to navigate his way through dealing with this process. Obviously testing positive brings up a whole array of issues dealing with sex, and I wanted to use this forum to raise my issues/questions, and get advice from people who have been dealing with this a lot longer than I have.

Since my diagnosis I have been pretty freaked out with the thought of having any sort of sexual interactions with anyone. I know that this is a very normal reaction, and that I will become more comfortable with myself and my sexuality with time. The major factor that I know see, is if I could now be comfortable engaging in sexual acts with someone who has a negative status. I would never want to get someone infected with this virus.

How safe is safe sex? What are people's experiences with oral sex? Do I have now always use condoms when receiving oral sex? I tend to have a lot of precum, and I know that the virus can be transmitted through that. This makes me very nervous. In addition, I feel like I will be so inhibited and uncomfortable and worried that it will affect my behavior.

Do most gay men find it easier, to date and have experiences with other positive men for these reasons?

Any light that you could share on this topic would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time.

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Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: How Safe Is Safe? new
      #240889 - 07/22/08 05:20 PM

Hi there Dancin Man......
I see you live in New York City. You have some of the countries BEST resources to give you support. The Gay Community Center and Gay Mens Health Crisis offer many programs to help you......

I think its important to explore your own responses to HIV by going to a support group. The experience for me was extreemly beneficial.
As for sex, well, its very individual as to how you deal with the HIV issue. I am one of those who sought only other positive men. You can figure out how this all fits in your life in time. Wear a condom for anal sex, and for oral.... It seems to be pretty safe. There are those who claim to have gotten HIV by this route but the numbers are VERY small compared to the millions who are infected by way of intercourse or sharing needles.
And you have a long time to work on it. So dont worry take your time and check in here so we know how you are doing.

Joel aka Bear

6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Reged: 06/26/08
Posts: 68
Loc: Texas, USA
Re: How Safe Is Safe? new
      #240905 - 07/23/08 01:18 AM

My lover is negative.
It is totally safe for me to give him head if I don't taste blood in my mouth, or have bleeding gums. For a negative lover to give you head is a small risk and better done with a condom. Now, if your viral load is undetectable, the risk for a negative partner getting it by giving you head is very low but there is still a very small risk.

Read and search oral sex and HIV.
Most doctors believe the risk is acceptable for low viral loads.

And I suggest starting meds and get your viral load to undetectable if you plan to have sex with a negative partner for this will greatly reduce you risk of transmission should a condom break or come off, and make oral sex safer. It really helps your peace of mind. Don't fear the meds. They are your friends with HIV.

I got this advice from my doctor. Not reading online.
He helped my negative partner to overcome his fears.

For us there is the matter of negotiated risk in lovemaking.

Always wear a condom for intercourse.

Never let anyone use your razor or toothbrush.
They should never touch your blood either.
Bood to blood contact has the greatest risk of exposure to HIV and other nasty bugs in the Hep. family too.

You can date someone who is also positive. It's easier.
If you both have non-resistant strains, and no other diseases, it is safe for you to have unprotected sex to my knowledge.

If you have sex without protection, with a positive person who has a resistant strain, you can become what is called cross infected complicating your condition. Avoid that. Bareback circuit or ice parties is a breeding ground for that problem and still many idiots do it anyway.
DON'T USE DRUGS !!!!!!!!!
Not to mention drugs will drive your viral load through the roof and make you sick very fast.
E is a bad idea too. Part of the lifestyle change is good health without drugs, or excessive drinking.
It's too easy to drop your guard and have dangerous sex.

If your in New York you are in the heart of the most infected gay population in the nation for HIV. On the positive side (no pun intended) you can find many men to date who are positive.

I admit it is easier to be with someone positive instead of negative.
It is always in the back of your mind not to infect your partner if he is negative; however, it is very easy to keep him safe. You will get use to using a condom, and some of them are so thin (and strong) you can still enjoy sex with them.

Many negative guys will head for the hills when you tell them.
Don't let it get you down if that happens. A good one can be educated and come around in time. If they don't see you freaking out or being down, they will feel much better and if they like you consider loving you anyway if they are worth it.

I mentioned on another post the dating website called:

I've seen HIV infected boys (18-25) list there for dating and get many hits of interest. The site is for anyone, straight or gay.

You are 21, and I'll bet your beautiful too.
Remember your qualities and use them now to find your love.
You will only be young once dude.
Make it count and get a good lover--shop around.
Your dating pool has changed; however, the men are more committed to find a life partner who accepts them too.

I wish you all the best sweetheart.


I am forever amazed at the abundance of hydrogen and ignorance in the universe.
~Albert Einstein

Edited by Samurai (07/24/08 09:36 PM)

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New User

Reged: 07/23/08
Posts: 1
Loc: Arizona, USA
Re: How Safe Is Safe? new
      #240951 - 07/24/08 06:09 PM

I like guys that make lots of pre-cum, I think it's a turn on and precum works like a lubricant when giving hand jobs. But, yeah, the downside is the risk for someone who is giving you a blowjob. There are ways to minimize the risk. It's your decision man.

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New User

Reged: 08/08/08
Posts: 5
Re: How Safe Is Safe? new
      #241220 - 08/08/08 08:18 PM

I am negative and I just found out my b/f is poz: trust me, the first person you are with who is negative will have just as many questions as you do right now. I am in the same exact boat about sexual intercourse. But this site has a lot of info and it is putting me at ease. I have been on it all day. Read up

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