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New User

Reged: 02/27/08
Posts: 6
Married with Children?
      #237077 - 03/02/08 03:20 PM

Hi Everyone,

I've been reading the forum for a couple of weeks now and you ladies are great! I am curious to know if any of you are married, ever been married, and have children. What happened when you told your husband about being +, did he stay? Did he test + later? I'm so stressed out and I'm just trying to find some even footing and put my ducks in a row so that I can be a realist at my husband of six months reaction if all does not go well from my testing. I think I'm making myself sick from the worry and I just want to get it over with so that I'll at least know which way I'm going. I can't eat, I can't sleep, it's always running through my mind each and everyday. How long will I live? What happens to my daughter? Will my husband try to hurt me once it's confirmed? If I am in fact +, I'm 99% sure it wasn't my husband but I know who it was. I certainly apologize for rambling but like I said, I'm stressed out, I can't even enjoy my life right now and the emotional pain is manifesting into the physical. Any input you ladies have would be greatly appreciated.

Hugs to you all................

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Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: Married with Children? new
      #237078 - 03/02/08 03:47 PM

OK, first I would have to say you can not do this to yourself. Until you know what your results are, do not stress out about it.
I was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. One year after my husband and I were married. The only reason I found out was because I landed in the hospital for 1 month with PCP. Turns out, I was infected from my daughters father about 3 years before I met my husband. I thought that he was going to be out the door. He had no attatchment to me, we had no children together(just two I have from previous relationships). HE was wonderful. He stayed with me all the time at the hospital and has stood by me since.

As for how long can you live? Well like I said until you know your diagnosis, I would not worry. I plan on seeing my children get married and having children of their own. I started at the beginning of my diagnosis with a cd4 of 52, and after 4 years I am up to 600's.

So again I will say that I think you should find out your results before you "put your ducks in a row". Keep s posted on how things work out!

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New User

Reged: 02/27/08
Posts: 6
Re: Married with Children? new
      #237089 - 03/03/08 01:47 PM

Thank you Fran for your words of encouragement. I'm trying really hard to not beat myself up but needless to say it's been quite difficult. I keep replaying the bad decisions I've made and I can't seem to let it go. I have my annual physicial exam coming up next month and I plan to have all of my bloodwork done to put this to rest one way or another. In the two or three weeks that I've been on this roller coaster I've lost 10 pounds and I have the shakes. I keep reading about how so many of you are doing well and how HIV isn't the death sentence it once was if you take your meds on time and basically eat right and just live life. My mom has a friend who has been + since 1987 (probably earlier than that) and you would never know. He still does some things that I wouldn't do with a compromised system like drink and smoke but he's 58 and doing great!

I have a five year old and I just want to be able to see her grow into a woman and have kids as well. She is my light in the darkness.

It's wonderful to hear that you're doing so well and your husband is very supportive. I only hope that my husband can be the same if my suspicions are true. Do you still work everyday? Have there been many changes in your quality of life since you've been diagnosed?

Thank you again Fran, I hope to hear from you soon.

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New User

Reged: 03/07/08
Posts: 2
Re: Married with Children? new
      #237219 - 03/07/08 08:30 AM

From a Mans point of view.
I have been with my Partner for 10 yrs now, we met, both having HIV. I do wish the best for you and your delema. But, on the Flip side of this. If Your husband should go bananas, and want to take ur children away from you. Please! first things first. Make sure you know where your blood counts are. Second. Know your rights! If you do happen to be pos. You Do not Have to be a Doormat and let anyone walk over you! First and Formost. You are a Mother. Your concern for your family shows your obviously 1 of the good 1ns.
As Long as you take care of yourself, You will be able to handle anything anyone throws at you, especially if the worst comes to worse.
I myself had my family and friends all turn their backs on me. they accepted my being gay, they didnt know how to accept the HIV. and I'm the 9th of 11 children. My parents have been deceased so no support their. I freaked out ! Spiraled into depression and into a mental hospital cuz of side affects from the antidepressants. Don't let this happen to you. You wont die over night. Nobody does of hiv.
Sweetheart, stay strong and if for anyone, stay strong and healthy for your children.
Wishing you all the peace and Love in the world, Bulldog

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New User

Reged: 02/27/08
Posts: 6
Re: Married with Children? new
      #237226 - 03/07/08 01:59 PM


Bless your heart........Thank you for your words of encouragement. I'm making peace with the what if's because Tuesday is results day and I don't want to go balistic if they are positive. I'm not concerned about my husband taking my daugther from me because she's not his (you wouldn't know it at all). We are a family that loves the Lord and serve Him faithfully but even in the midst of the biggest trials your faith can waver and panic can set in no matter what the circumstances are. Before all of this came about my husband and I have said that no matter what, divorce is not an option. Well, realistically this is a loop-hole in that statement. I will not be a doormat and allow myself to be treated badly, I'm still the same person with the same heart to love and do good. If he is unable to handle this and decideds to leave, I'll be okay in the end. I still have a wonderful child to raise and I know of at least two family members who will be there for me no matter what.

I realize that if the results are positive, I will not die tomorrow or next year or even the year after that and so on and so on. I am inspired by each person on this site and each story that I read and I see that life does go on. It's altered, yes, but it seems that attitude and a support system are just as important as medications when managing this disease. Not to sound like the AA 12 step program but it really is one day at a time.

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Reged: 05/13/07
Posts: 435
Loc: Phila,Pa
Re: Married with Children? new
      #237232 - 03/07/08 04:06 PM

Hi Anxious,I can't speak for your situation only talk about what happened to me,when I was diagnosed I had been seeing a man for about 6 months.I got sick and was hospitalized,completely out of it for three months,my family tells me that he came everyday to visit me even though I was unaware of anything at that time.When I found out that I had AIDS I told him and that he needed to get tested since we had been having unprotected sex.He stood by me and luckily was negative.We stayed together for a few more years before breaking up over things that had nothing to do with my being positive.
Yes I was scared to tell him what I had,didn't know how he would react,but had no choice since I knew there was a big chance that he would be positive too.
I hope and pray that you will be negative but if not my thoughts and prayers will be with you as you decide how and when and what to tell him.
Let us know the test results and feel free to PM me if you want

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Reged: 08/31/06
Posts: 159
Loc: AK
Re: Married with Children? new
      #237248 - 03/08/08 02:11 AM

oh Hon - You will be ok - Yes, you are stressed and waiting is horrible but you will be strong. You can never know how someone will react, and you have to let them have their time to absorb it, get their head around it, gether information - so, if the initial response is bad, don't give up (unless he does hurt you - totally unacceptable!) - give him some breathing room and time and see where it goes - in the mean time - get information for yourself, find a great Dr, get the baseline numbers of your CD4s and viral load, and lean on us. We are here for you. You may be surprised at his response - it may be thoughtful and courageous and tender - he loves you enough to marry you - through thick and thin. I just got married and told my husband on our first date - he held me and comforted me and then did some research on his own.
HIV does not change what a great person you are - it does not eliminate all the good true things he adores about you - don't allow it to terrify you.
Keep us posted and let us know you are ok.

Focus on your potential.

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New User

Reged: 06/20/08
Posts: 1
Re: Married with Children? new
      #240040 - 06/20/08 07:34 AM

When I found out I decided to stay because I love my wife.
I could not blame her for her ex not revealing his status.
We have a son and a beautiful life. It is possible that your husband will understand. 7 years later it's still death till we part.

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New User

Reged: 01/28/10
Posts: 16
Loc: seattle. wa
Re: Married with Children? new
      #249241 - 01/28/10 11:36 PM

I'm a newly wed, newly pregnant, newly tested HIV 31 year old. Been married less than 3 months, I am 14 weeks pregnant. My husband does not have medical insurance and has not been tested yet. I was diagnosed less than 3 weeks ago.

He has been very supportive and after we educated ourselves and learned that with meds the baby should be okay. And HIV these days is not a death sentence. He says he's not going anywhere even if hes negative. Our best friend is also positive so he's made it easier to have it and feel normal.

We have not told our families yet. Mine live in another state and it's not a good phone call topic especially with them all excited about the baby and yeah our kids just got married!! We're not sure when or how to tell them yet. I guess in time that all works itself out.

I'm a writer, a poet and I guess my coping mechanism for anything has always been to write about it. So I've already started a book on being Married, Prego & Positive.

It's nice to know none of us are alone in this. And it's weird to be told you have this disease and need to take meds when you don't feel sick. I guess I always thought if you have some deadly disease you would know it.

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