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Lynn
Unregistered

I spent so much time worrying
      #1433 - 04/02/00 08:31 PM

For the past five years, I have spent many minutes and hours worrying that I carried the HIV virus. I wasn't aware that any of the partners I had were infected, but I was still worried because in the past 10 years, I had unprotected sex. About a year ago, it became an everyday thought. Many of the decisions I made were effected by this.

I opted for triple life insurance coverage through work when I was first hired, because they didn't require evidence of good health. I avoided giving blood, just in case I got caught. I avoided making love to my husband, for fear I might spread it to him. I planned an easy way to kill myself making it look acidental so my husband could collect life insurance if my test came back positive. I convinced myself I wouldn't be able to have children. I bought a less expensive house so that I wouldn't be required to obtain additional life insurance, thus prove my "good health". I worried my husband would leave me and I would lose all my friends. I worried about telling my parents.

My demographics
I am a 28 year old white hetero female. I graduated from college with a Bachelor of Science. I was raised upper middle class. The only drugs I have tried was Pot in college. I had sexual relations with 21 men. Some protected, some not. I had an abortion when I was 20 and Genital Warts when I was 22.

I got tested when a friend of mine announced she was pregnant. I have wanted to have a child for a long time, and finally decided to do something about it. I was very scared. I took the test and spent 2 agonizing weeks waiting for the results. I called twice a day for 8 days to see if my results were back. Finally, they were, this morning.

And guess what, negative. All the time and energy I spent worrying was wasted. I have my life back. I will only have one more sexual partner for the rest of my life, my husband. I can donate blood and get some life insurance. I can make love to my husband everynight. I can try to help others that are in the same situation.

If you are scared, alone, or need to talk. Please respond to this e-mail, and I WILL contact you.






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youngmom
Unregistered

awaiting results new
      #1434 - 04/02/00 08:31 PM

I am awaiting test results I have also had genital warts, chlamydia, three abortions before having my daughter and I have had 19 sexual partners but the suspense of awaiting the results are enough for me to never be as wild as I once was I just am thinking I will be fine and I will deal with it when they come back but I am dealing with it alone.




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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: I spent so much time worrying new
      #1435 - 04/02/00 08:32 PM

I have almost the same situation for the last 2 years, except I am frightened to get to testing stage where i could gain my life back.
I would like to talk to you... my email is vivaciousgemini@hotmail.com i am sure you now have a wealth of information what seemed real or fake now that you know you are negative



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Anonymous
Unregistered

I wish I had seen this earlier new
      #1436 - 04/02/00 08:33 PM

Oh My God I wish that I would have seen this a couple of months ago. In November of 1998 while out with a friend someone sliped the date rape drug in my beer and I woke up in the morning in a hotel room. One minute I was at the bar the next minute I was in a hotel room. It was with someone I knew vaguely. Of course he denied that he put anything in my drink. I had to deal with the huge emotional mess of that only to learn a month later from a friend of mine that is a nurse and works in a hospital, that he had tested positive for HIV.

I don't have to explain to you how the fear of god went through me. Not a day went by that I didn't think about the fact that I could have HIV. It ruled my life. I cried uncontrolalblly for days at a time. I mean on the way to work at lunch, when I got home. I told only a few trusted people, but noone understood what I was going through. I was basically alone. I just recently reached my 6mo point and got tested and it came back negative. Although I still have to get it a the year point I'm told that 6mo is basically the real test.I wish I would have seen this artical months ago it could have been so much help to me.
The major lesson in all of this is Don't ever leave a drink at the bar, Value your life.
I just turned 23 years old and have dedicated my self to educating other people my age about the dangers of HIV and date rape. I truely believe that if you don't learn a lesson it was truly for nothing.
After everything I've been through it won't go to waste.




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"G"
Unregistered

Re: I spent so much time worrying new
      #1437 - 04/02/00 08:34 PM

Oh Gosh
I have been going throught the same thing. 2 years ago I had unprotected sex with this creepy guy who later told me he never used protection and he had had sex with many women. He told me a lot of things that scare the hell out of me but I don't know which are true and which are lies. A lot of things he told me I later found out were lies. ANyway, I freaked out about it for a while and then I forgot about it. ANd then recently I started getting these yeast infections that wouldn;t go away. And on the box there is this warning about HIV. OH wow. I tried to put it out of my mind. I figured it didn't matter. I wasn;t having sex with anyone and I'm young and without responsibilities. I figured if I did have it it would be best not to know until it was necessary. And then these past few weeks I could think of nothing else. It got to the point where I was making myself physically ill over it. SO, I felt I'd rather know that I have HIV than live in this constant fear and doubt. SO I went and got the test a couple of days ago. I am freaking out. Severely. I wish there was some symptom. something to reassure me or give me a clue. I have had a bunch of blood tests done for any kind of problem.... anemia thyroid chem, blood sugar and everything other than my blood sugar is fine. That;s a little reassuring. ANd I can't recall any flu like symptoms following sex with that guy. Actually I remember I got a case of the sniffles soon afterwards. I had a runny nose and I was sneezing. BUt no fever. ANd my lymph nodes aren't inflamed. I am terrified. I had one long term boyfriend after him and we used condoms for several months but after a while he convinced me to stop using them. We're not together anymore but I don't know what I would do if I gave him HIV. I mean, I told him all about the experience and my fears but he was willing to take that risk. But I would still feel responsible. Look, I am just venting here. Everyone I know is sick of hearing about this. But I can;t think of anything else. I can't imagine how I would tell my parents or my ex-lover or my friends. ANd I don't know that I am strong enough to deal with it. ANyway, if anyone has any words of reassurance or whatever please e-mail me. I still won't know the results for a few days.






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Kath
Unregistered

Re: I spent so much time worrying new
      #1438 - 04/02/00 08:34 PM

Lynn,

Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope. I have been going through a similar crisis for about six months now and don't know how I'll ever muster up the courage to get tested. Like you, I have, in the past, slept with around 20 men, some protected and some not. I've never had an abortion. Recently I've been having more yeast infections than usual. This is what sent me into the nightmare of "what if?" I too am in a monogamous relationship now and cannot bear the thought of him being exposed. It's terrifying. If you would e-mail me at sukijune@hotmail.com I would be grateful.

I would also really like to hear what happened for the women on this thread awaiting their test results.

Thank you,
Kath




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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: I spent so much time worrying new
      #3812 - 05/07/00 08:29 PM

i am a junior in college, 22 years of age...white female who was with one female for 3 years.we then broke up..then i decided to sleep with a male i barely knew..JUST A ONE NIGHT THING...for the past 8 months i have been with another female....the person i want to spend the rest of my life with...i truely love her and have decided to marry her...i am terrified i may have contracted the hiv virus from the male about 9 months ago.i have no idea if he has the virus or not and dont know anything about his sexual experiences..he did give me HPV(genital warts) though. it was protected sex but i guess the condom broke..i am soooo scared to be tested...i would like to be tested so it would give me a straight answer..i have spent the past few weeks in terror....scared to death...and making decisions as if i knew for a fact i were positive......please write back.....i am just scared about being positive to hiv because i just found out about the warts....should i be scared just because of getting one sexually transmitted disease......or am i over reacting? i know many women have sexually transmitted diseases....do most of them also have the hiv virus?



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: I spent so much time worrying new
      #4135 - 05/19/00 02:52 PM

Hi: I am a 28yr old asian female, very well educated with an MBA from a top 10 business school - and I've still managed to put my life in jeopardy because of many stupid moves. About a week ago, I got really drunk while out with friends and stopped into a bar located in the bottom of my apartment building on my way home. To make a long story short, I ended up having sex with the bartender (who I'm kind of friends with) but who I think is probably someone who is pretty promiscuous. I'm so disgusted and disappointed in my behavior. I'm so ashamed of myself and feel like the stupidest person on earth who definitely knows better. I was so drunk that I don't remember most of it.. I know he didn't ejaculate inside of me, but I know that what I did was still incredibly UNSAFE. I've been tormented ever since, crying all the time and imagining the worst. Watching scenes of marriage or kids or family on TV just remind me of what I may never have now that I did the stupid things that I did. I don't want to live if these things cannot be part of my future. Anyway, I can't tell anyone about my situation because I'm so ashamed. I've since asked this bartender about his HIV status and he says he tested negative, but has had unprotected sex since then with other women. I feel so doomed right now. I was tested about 2 months ago, but now I know I need to wait at least another 3-6 months. I don't know how I"m going to make it through this.

If you have any advice, I'd love to hear about it.



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: I spent so much time worrying new
      #6883 - 07/09/00 11:04 AM

I am going through the EXACT same thing. I had a relationship with a guy in college that ended 11 years ago and I have been afraid of this for the last year. He was very unfaithful and I have been sure he infected me. I don't know if he even has it. In fact he was tested once while we were dating and the test was negative. But he slept with so many other girls behind my back I just don't know. I got tested a year ago and it came out negative but I am still not convinced. I went to get tested again this past week and I am spending another agonizing two weeks waiting for results.

I finally told my husband about my fears and he is trying to be understanding but really doesn't understand just how scared I am and just how much this is consuming my life.

I also had an abortion and I wonder if this is coming up now because I never really dealt with those feelings. And now my husband I am are talking about having a baby. I knew I couldn't get pregnant if I did have this disease or go into a pregnancy blind.

I spend hours a day surfing the web. I have been to this particular web site pretty much every day. I don't really have any symptoms but I look hard at moles, my mouth, my throat, my whole body looking for signs.

I would like so much to be able to accept the results of the first test I took. How do I let this go? How did you get over this? I am desperate. I have 10 more days to go before I find out the results and am a mess.

I hope you do respond to this because I have been looking for someone that understands what I am going through. I wonder how many people there are that go through this?





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Charlie25
Unregistered

Lynn, I could use your help! new
      #22818 - 09/28/01 07:00 PM

Lynn I am 25 and am petrified that I have hiv. I have only been with 6 people, also upper middle class, white, didn't have sex until 20 yrs. old, tried drugs and alcohol in college but no IV drugs ever and I am convinced I have hiv and will never have a husband or a family : (. I am trying to get the nerve up to go get tested this week, I can hardly handle the thought of finding out i'm positive though : (. I read all these posts, and see people living good lives and yet, I feel mine will be over since my goals revolve around a child and family. Anyway, your story was interesting. Thank you for sharing. Charlie25



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worry wart
Unregistered

Re: I spent so much time worrying new
      #38161 - 08/13/02 02:58 PM

Lynn,
This sounds so familiar only I have spent the past 7 months wworrying myself sick! I cheated on my husband for the first time February of last year. The affair recently ended about a month ago. It was always protected sex with the condom breaking twice, following extremely quick pull outs.(but there was still room for exposure) About 2 1/2 months ago we engaged in sex w/out a condom SO STUPID I KNOW! I'm the type that never gets sick...but starting february of this year I got a sinus infection and I also started experiencing UTI's and baterial infections(vaginitis), and I had this purple pus filled pimple on my side that itched like a bug bite but I know it wasn't. Well, my gynecologist told me 2 weeks ago I have trichomonasis. EVERYTIME I go online to read something on trich it mentions HIV. I haven't had thrush, or fever, or diarrea that lasts for a period of time, I did experience about a 5 Ib weight loss, but I have gained it all back plus some. Well my big day was on July 17th I took a Home Access Test and it came back negative (thank God). BUT then I read that it can take up to 6 months to show antibodies!! It's enoughh to drive you insane! I spend all my days looking at my two kids just wanting to cry at the thought that it could be possible. I pray all day everyday! I spend hours on the internet reading about symptoms and HORROR stories basically. My heart goes out to all the people have contracted this horrible disease, they will continue to be in my heart and in my prayers. I applaud all those that live with it so well. I plan to test again in September and pray that it will result in a negative result, I don't know if I could cope if it didn't. Like you, I also avoid sex with my husband afraid to death that I could be positive. As I said I am no longer having the affair and will be faithful the rest of my life!!! Can I ask what made you think you were positive?



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: I spent so much time worrying new
      #187692 - 04/24/06 12:59 AM

hey linda, I have the same problem... Worried abt my HIV status... Can y help me?

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Scaryghettoguy
Newbie

Reged: 09/28/06
Posts: 1
Hi Lynn, i am so worried, even though not tested new
      #209271 - 09/30/06 04:53 PM

Hello Lynn,
Thanks be to God that you are not affected with the demon HIV virus. I wish i could be like you.
I had unprotected sex many times in 2004. In December of the same year was diagnosed with hypatitis B. But HIV was Neg. at that time. Since then i have always been fine, becaused the doctor told me couple of months that i recovered from hypatitis B Virus.
Then i had another unprotected sex in Oct 2005. In january 2006, i had a cold for about one two weeks. I thought it was becuase of the snow i came encounter with for the first time in Ohio. But since then till now, i am still having body ache, that is muscle ache i believe, and also was recently diagnosed with H-pylori disease. My doctor sugested that i should do the HIV. But i am still too scared. I want to prepare myself to accept the situation. I am so full with stress and muscle pain that i can not even bare them no more.
Please help me. I need some one to talk to me.

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