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Deny
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Reged: 03/25/05
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Posts: 2
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HIV and Treatment Denial
#139248 - 03/25/05 12:42 PM
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I was told a month ago by my doctor that I was HIV positive and that my cd4 count was 380. My doctor informed me of the various treatments to take if my CD4 drops below 350. I told my doctor that I refuse to take any medications, that I am not sick, and that I will be okay. My doctor tells me that I am in denial about my HIV status. Although I've been tested twice I feel that one day I will get tested and my result will be negative. I refuse to believe that my body cannot fight off any sickness. I cant come to grib with this, I WONT ACCEPT IT, it will not DESTROY ME.. I REFUSE!!! I feel like if I start treatment, I have admitted defeat. Am I the only one that feels that their HIV status is a dream and that one day you will awaken?
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Tscotty
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Reged: 03/26/05
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Posts: 13
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Dear Deny,
13 years ago I shared your same philosophy. No meds no nothing for over 4 years. Eventually I accepted the fact that I should begin something and it just so happened that it was in late '96. With the advent of the protease inhibitors and the idea of the "cocktail" I was of the notion that I would be cured...well here I am in 2005 and last month my Dr. sat me down with all the graphs and labs and detailed scientific information proving that I am now resistant to all current classes of available drugs for HIV treatment. Now I am in a research drug study giving myself injections of Fuzeon. Even at this stage in the game I look great and feel great. I actually applied for a life insurance policy several weeks ago knowing that they would run a HIV test. I was really praying that they would approve this insurance as confirmation to me that I didn't even have this disease. My point is that we all go through denial (and not just in the beginning) and our denial is real to us. You might get alot of negative responses to your position but I believe that you have the right to this process. What is really important for you is to seperate what you think you know about HIVand what are the facts. Get a second opinion on the test, search out the absolute best Physician in your area and discuss with them the best available treatment options. There is soooo much support available to you and if and when you do decide to accept what's going on - the treatment possibilities for you are endless at this point. Go ahead, be angry, and keep being angry until you are well. I got on this site today looking for pity because I am staring at this stupid little needle full of hope and then I read your posting and wanted to reply - hang in there. You are not alone.
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Jessie
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Reged: 06/15/04
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Posts: 395
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To Deny,
You are absolutely NOT alone...I have frequent dreams that whenI tested positive in 2004 that it was alla DREAM..Even now I feel that in some ways I dont have this illness, that i feel fine and right now my counts are good and vl is low BUT the reality of all of this is that I am infected with the HIV virus and I do have to accept it, even with all the anger and the three times I made the doctor re-check and re-test for the virus and sat and listened to him tell me that I was positive, I still have it in my head that I am not..that it will all go away..that one time when I test my blood in 3 months that the doctor will say"Jessie, you do not have HIV"...I know what you are feeling..the resistance to accepting the illness in your life as a part of your life..stating over, almost like you have to start a NEW life because of the illness, when infact you do have to start over....start accepting..start getting rid of the anger and the sadness and the p[ains of rejection and the fears that go along with having this illness..Yes Deny, I do understand what you are feeling...very much so my friend BUT you must know that you are NOT alone...listen to TScotty..he has the right idea and attitude..he knows what it is like to have the fear of meds, injections, adverse affects and overall misery with having this disease BUT he also has experience...much more than I with meds and living with the illness for longer....AND my friend Deny, he still has HOPE!!!! His "little needle of hope" as he called it in one of his other posts....It is people like TScotty that keep us going, give us the hope that we will be ok and that we must learn to face our own demons...if we want to live!...much love and understanding goes out to you and all that are feeling these emotions...~Jessie~
HIV+ since 2-3-04
"While there is breath, there is hope"...=)
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Deny
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Thank you both. I appreciate your advice. I'm still not accepting it (smile), but I will check my vl and cd4 every 3 months. I think my next results will prove that I can get better without medication. I know some would say that this is false hope but I feel this is a challenge for me and that God will instill in me the strength to overcome.
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LOVE
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Reged: 03/22/05
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Posts: 16
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DENY
I can't claim to know what you are feeling and why you are not accepting your status. The fact of the matter is, by accepting that you are HIV+ is not accepting that you are defeated. By accepting means now you are ready to fight the virus. By taking your medication and GOD on your side you will beat this virus hands down. I'm not on the meds yet, my Cd 4 is 618 and viral load 202. I have accepted my status and I'm not angry or denying but I have made a decision that I will live positively and the virus will not defeat me. God in on my side I will fear no evil(virus) and again i know with GOD everything is possible, the cure can be found before we know it. BUT untill then medication, positive living, our faith, strength and love and support for one another is all we have.
LOVE
POZ since 19/02/ 2005
" I can do all things through CHRIST that strenghtens me"
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Would you feel the same way if you had diabetes and needed insulin? or if you had heart disease? it sounds like you're buying into the stigma of HIV, and that's very dangerous, physically and emotionally. don't let the stigma get you down - it's a virus that can be controlled so why not do all you can?
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