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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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John
Unregistered

Newly Positive and wanting to die!
      #419 - 03/30/00 11:59 AM

I was just told a week ago that I tested positive after a mistake was made with my paperwork. First they told me it was negative but realized now that it is really a positive. I am very,very scared. I will never tell any of my friends. I have seen what goes with a disease like this. No one will ever know! I need support but will stay closeted with this status. I have felt suicidal since this happened. I am even going to go buy a gun next week as I don't think that I can live with this. I did everything right and played it safe all the way. It didn't work! I am so confused.



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BodyWise
Unregistered

Re: Newly Positive and wanting to die! new
      #421 - 03/30/00 11:59 AM

From one Seattle boy to another: You are not going to die (at least not any time soon). Email me ASAP so we can get together and talk.



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John
Unregistered

Re: Newly Positive and wanting to die! new
      #424 - 03/30/00 12:00 PM

Hi Seattleboy2,

I have felt so low and depressed since this happened. All I want to do is cry. I don't know if I am coming or going since this happened.
Sign me,
Lost!



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John
Unregistered

Re: Newly Positive and wanting to die! new
      #427 - 03/30/00 12:00 PM

My email is created2love@hotmail.com




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Tricepmuscle2000
Member

Reged: 04/19/00
Posts: 11
Loc: NY
Re: Newly Positive and wanting to die! new
      #3660 - 04/27/00 11:15 AM

John,
PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT BUY A GUN!!!!!! I am the negative partner of a serodivergent couple, my partner tested positive 10 years ago, he's still here. You have such a life ahead of you, you may not see it now, but you have an opportunity to teach, give and recieve so much love in this world. I would be devastated MORE if my partner committed suicide than if he died of AIDS, he is still alive and fight this disease (and me ;-) ), more me these days, but he is fighting. Fight to stay alive and with us. You have so much to give to yourself and others, love yourself and feel free to contact me if you want to talk.
PLEASE, PLEASE DO NOT END YOUR LIFE!! Your life has changed, it is a new chapter, a new beginning for you, believe it or not you will find a time in your life when you are grateful for HIV (I know it may not sound that belieable from someone who is HIV-Negative), but I've seen it in many friends who have passed and people I have cared for. There are people that care for you and about you, give them time and understanding, you may have to help them along the way, but they will be there to help you, too.
LOVE and LIGHT
Chuck



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Bry.
Unregistered

Re: Newly Positive and wanting to die! new
      #3752 - 05/03/00 05:09 PM

John, when I found out I was trying to get back into service. I have had 6 yrs of Army experience, I was missing the adventure/team atmosphere and heard about a cool job with the Air National Guard. Man, I was all gung-ho to get back into the service lifestyle. As usual we get tested and I didn't think twice about it and then one saturday I had to sign for a letter. My life changed from the second I read it. I didn't say I had HIV just that there was a problem of a personal nature and I needed to get with my recruiter and go back down to the processing station. My fears were realized and they took me into the colonel's office and made me take a seat. The chaplin was in there and I just knew what they were going to say. The shock of it all was almost too much to bare but I say almost. Once the shock wears down it's so much easier putting life into perspective. I mean I use to drive down the road and just look at people and wish I were them. Things are much better now but of course I am no longer able to serve my country like I was wanting to. The toughest thing for me as I started my medication was getting myself on an eating schedule. I'm not going to lie to you. It is a hassle in the beginning but it's something that can be dealt with just like anything in this world. Right now you need to get this stuff off of your chest, find a friend or family member because you will need their support. You sound like you had the same fears I did but when you tell them the load it takes off is tremendous. Anyway there's still life to look forward too. I still skydive, scuba and ski, life is still a thrill for me and it can be for you too. Don't give up on yourself to easily!! It took about half a year of self pity and feeling sorry for myself. Finally I said screw this [censored]...it's time to have fun again. My prayers are with you!



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Newly Positive and wanting to die! new
      #4229 - 05/22/00 12:53 AM

I just found out that I am HIV positive, also. And I feel what you feel...My mind has been going back and forth...I want to die...no, Im determined to live...I can live with this, no I can't....Just think about it though....we really can live with this....if you want to email me, Id love to talk to you...I,like you, cannot tell anyone except for my partner...I felt so alone till I went to some online support groups and people offered me hope..maybe I can do the same....
Mary



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Newly Positive and wanting to die! new
      #4816 - 06/03/00 01:12 AM

Look I was just tested in April! I am scared too but I DO NOT WANT TO DIE..why would you buy a gun? It's time to fight. As for staying in the closet with your results, I can't tell you what to do, only you know your situtation. However, I can tell you that you might just be underestimating(sp) people who love you. Where I work there is an older woman, your typical busy body always in everyone's business. When she found out I expected her to run screaming...but guess what, she ran...right to me and hugged me with tears in her eyes telling me that she cared and would be praying for me..There are people who care for you and will support you emotionally, that is what you need right now. With the advances in medicine that have happened and are currently in the works. The way I look at is like this, if I had to get this virus at least I got it at a time where there is lots of hope! And I for one plan to fight this thing tooth and nail!

Please join in the fight, stay with us a while!!!!!



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BSM
Newbie

Reged: 12/09/04
Posts: 2
Loc: Seattle, WA
Re: Newly Positive and wanting to die! new
      #122165 - 12/09/04 12:45 AM

John, this is hard to deal with, but not worth taking your life over. I felt the same way you do now when I tested positive in Nov 89. All I could do is cry and ask myself "How" because I thought I had always played safe. It took time, but the best thing that happened to me was to come out and I found I had more support than I could imagine. Telling someone you are positive doesn't mean they are going to run away from you. You may find out they could be one of the best shoulders to cry on. If you ever need to talk, feel free to e-mail me and I can talk to you. I never thought I would be alive today back in Nov 89. I have lost two lovers to AIDS, been in and out of the hospital, CD4 down as low as 36 with a viral load of 480,000 and today I am healthy, happy and undetectable and in a nice relationship with an HIV- man. Its not the easiest thing to do, but you have to keep a positive attitude. HIV has changed my life in so many ways "for the better". In a way, it is one of the best things that happened to me, because it made me make some changes in my life and I am still here because of those changes. Please don't give up!! Brian

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Newly Positive and wanting to die! new
      #211369 - 10/11/06 03:12 PM

"Wanting to die?"
I Found out i was positive about 3 weeks ago and I got the same emotions you have. Hiv is a CHRONIC Illness... This is the new generation and living with hiv is just the same as living with asmtha, or acid reflex. as long as you apply your self and think positive,, i know people who are AIDS patients and so for lived 16 years with it.
We can die any day from accidents, drownings, choking.. what makes you think that Hiv will reuin your life.

From a PROUD HIV MOTHER : )

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