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Trav
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Three weeks ago today
#264854 - 07/24/12 10:39 AM
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Sorry my story is probably just another story you guys may have read about, but for those of you who do read thank you.
On July 3, 2012 I got the results that I'm HIV positive. Since then I feel like I've been living in a fog. I was already dealing with mental health problems such as depression an anxiety and now knowing I'm positive I notice I 've been having mood swings, and etc. My sleep an eating habits have become a problem. I still haven't seen a dr yet but thankfully I have an appointment on Thursday (July 26) so I don't know anything else except I'm positive. I live alone and I'm trying to deal with this on my own. I've only told a few people who know me and are close to me. As far as family just my mom and dad know.
I've experienced days where I feel like ok you're positive do what you need to do and then there are times I feel like a walking disease. Part of me is happy for getting tested but another part of feels like I wish I hadn't gotten tested. Health wise getting tested was the right thing to do, however mentally I wish I didn't cause of the stress it has caused.
Will these feeling go away? Will I ever go back to feeling normal or will these be considered my good and bad days?
For those who are on meds what does good days and bad days mean?
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cm82391
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Its totally normal to be feeling the way you are!!!
When I first tested positive, I was a walking zombie, everything was in a fog. I too wish I had never gotten tested, almost as if not knowing would cancel out the fact that you had it!!! But you're right, getting tested was the best health choice you could have made. Now you have a shot at a normal healthy life.
Good days and bad days on meds are really not the same for any two people. My friend and I are on the same cocktail, it makes him throw up and have horrible nightmares, it makes me groggy and tired all the time. It really depends on your body.
Attitude is another big thing, don't let the disease win! You're going to be all right!
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thebird1959
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I'm sorry to hear of your recent infection. I still cringe everytime I read a post that somebody else tested postive, but under the circumstances I'm glad that you found your way here and know that you are not alone. You've come to the right place. I know what you're going through and what it can do to you emotionally because I tested positive 5 weeks ago today.
You're probably still in shock and are having a lot of very strong emotions. In time you'll work through them and start feeling good about yourself again. It'll get better, trust me. Think of it as a "new beginning" and not as the end. Just hang in there and PM me sometime if you need somebody to talk to. I usually check in a couple of times a day. Good luck in your endeavors and I wish you the best!
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riverprincess
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A way to see and understand about life being pos. There are 5 stages that we mentally/emotionally go through once you pass through just the senseless fear of being tested.
Stage 1-- You think being diagnosed as pos means a death sentence. Your fear is so great that you just about want to just die instead of the suffering that you think lays ahead of you. You can't sleep eat or even think. All you want to do is cry and find a hole to live in. But then comes.....
Stage 2 --You realize that the world didn't stop and that life actually still goes on . But you realize that life will never really be the same and you think of the what ifs. Each day that the sun rises and sets you find yourself accepting that this is here to stay .
You want to find out every bit of information that your hands can get a hold of . You research all the research. You inquire about lab work and the more you try to figure it all out the more your head just wants to go POP!!! Your totally overwhelmed by it all, exhausted and then comes .........
Stage 3-- You see that the only knowlege that you really need is that which pertains to you. And you see that although life has changed it's still ok . Sure you may wonder about who you can confide in . You learn about personal choices. You have a really good grip on what this all means. You may even being going to support groups to see how others are doing things with life. I call this also the color stage. That's when you see your life as a good thing again, The blues are bluer, greens greener, yellow brighter and reds bolder. Life actually looks good and you see that the problems in life that seemed sooo big are really quite insignificant now. This is a life changing stage that brings you to ......
Stage 4-- You want to help others that are just coming to terms with their diagnoses. You share how its not really any big deal, that there are worse illnesses that are unmanagable. You help them to see how in an odd way this diagnoses can actually be a blessing , Because you now see how precious it is and how you want all things to truly mean something. You may be back at work ( yes you can ) . Life actually looks like new opportunites . You see it's all just a matter of ATTITUDE ! And finally comes
Stage 5--This is actually a stage that ALL folks pos or neg must face . And that is when our life will end. But since we have already looked at death in stage 1 , we now replace that fear with a more realistic approach. And this can be truly amazing. And alot depends on each individual. I had friends that embraced their death by planning it all out themselves. They didn't run in fear, they took charge and empowered themselves . They realized it was just another stepping stone in their journey , a new chapter in their lives. And I can say I am soo blest to see the example they showed me.
I know this was long , but I believe well worth the insight.
There are many good days that far outweight the bad days
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Hello riverprincess,
I've seen you post your 5 stages before and each time I read them, I dissappointed that you include that 5th stage. I know it's a fact of life and you explain it very nicely, but I can remember when I first found out I was positive, with the stress and anxiety I was going through, if I read your post, it would have only increased my stress and anxiety. I know at that time I only wanted to be encouraged about life. Any discussion or though of death as I thought I was dying now only upset me more. So I say this with love and honesty, I really wish you would change your 5 stages to 4 stages and keep in positive, no pun intended. I just fear that seeing that last stage could really add stress even though I know your coming from a good place. I hope you don't take offense to my post. Peace to you.
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kicker
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Peaceandlove I totally agree with your statement and would like to add that the whole thing shouldn't be reposted. It's well meaning but not well thought out.
Who says that you have to reach any stage and cant go back and forth between stages. Learning you have any illness causes grief and everyone deals with grieving in their own way on their own terms. To say you need to reach different stages to be "ok" is totally absurd. That and you can't go back and forth is also a misnomer.
It's absolutely wonderful that river princess was able to define her own personal experiences into stages and idealizations. But they are your own not what everyone else needs to achieve to be "normal".
If you decide to repost this again please do so by changing the wording to reflect that these were the stages you went through and how your views changed. Not that this is what every positive person goes through. Cause quite frankly I can tell you this is NOT what I experienced to find acceptance within myself nor did it take me long to get there. And I still have days where I bounce between acceptance, grief, depression, affirmation, etc.
The whole thing is personal and no one should be made to feel that they must reach any stage to be ok. You are ok and normal in any stage of the grief process even if you bounce around.
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thebird1959
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I realize that I'm still a peon on here, but I think what riverprincess wrote was well thought out, and that she did a wonderful job. I wasn't aware that we had to be fair and so politically correct on here, and to make sure that we didn't say something that was the truth, but might make someone feel bad.
All she's saying in Stage 5 is that it doesn't make any difference what ailment or disease we have, like it or not in the end we're all going to die of something in the end whether it's HIV related or not. Nobody knows how there life will end or when they're going to die. If you stop and think about it none of us are even guaranteed the whole day when we wake in the morning. If it was left up to me riverprincess I wouldn't change a thing. I think that it will help more people than it will hurt.
What she wrote gives hope to somebody that they won't feel like they do in Stage 1 the rest of there lives and gives them a reason to go on living. It lets them know that things will get better, and to just give it time.
I just tested positive 5 weeks ago and I know what it feels like to be stuck in Stage 1. I feel like that I have progressed to Stage 2 now. And, I hope and pray that I keep progressing and things keep getting better. Do I regress sometimes and slip back into Stage 1? Sure I do, but I'm spending a lot more time in Stage 2 than Stage 1. And, can't wait to get to Stage 3!
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Sorry but I don't agree with you and I don't agree with this whole stages of life thing. This maybe her story and your story but it's not mineand I would never prescribe to anyone these 5 stages. Everyone deals with this differently. The only reason I come to this site is to offer encouragement to those recently infected with HIV because I know how difficult it was for me when I first found out. You mention about not being aware that we need to be fair and politically correct on here, well I would say to that it would irresponsible not to be and shame on the person who isn't. Many people come on here frightgened and scared and to offer anything but love and encouragement is terrible. Everyone knows that death is a fact of life but this isn't the forum for that in my opinion. If I were newly infected and someone responded to a post that told me when i get to Stage 5, i will die, I would never come back to this site and that would be my loss. I don't think it's right. If you or anyone is so eager to talk about death then maybe start your own site or start your forum with the topic of death. Who knows maybe people would be interested, I know I won't. I'm into encouragement, optimism, making most out of life, have a great attitude and dealing with this the best way I can. So enjoy the dark subject matter if that's what your into but please don't share it with those that don't need it.
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Trav
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I came on here looking for support and also to just write out how I'm feeling. My original post about it being three weeks now since I tested positive I've only gotten a few replies from people, the other replies are about The 5 stages so I'm asking can you guys not comment on it on here if you replying to my threads.
Today I have a dr appt and I'm nervous, I'm not sure what they are going to do and I'm going to feel when I get my labs back.
If anyoone can share their stories about how long they started treatment after they found out they were positive I would appreciate it. I'm still not sure what to expect.
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kicker
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The general gist of therapy now a days is to start ASAP. That is after you are ready to commit to treatment. You will have to take a pill or pills every day for the rest of your life.
The best way to know if you are mentally ready is to ask the dr what medication they want to start you on. Then buy yourself a pack of m&m or some other pill size candy along with a pill box. Try taking the m&ms or whatever at what the dosing times that the medication they want to put you on is.
Try this for two weeks at least. Find out and write down how many times you forget, what thoughts run through your head, anything that has to do with taking the pills. Including time you take them etc. bring this to your next appt and show the dr your experience.
If you find you are not able to handle it for whatever reason don't get upset. It's normal to have a rough go at it to start with. Keep trying the candy approach till you are confident and comfortable. The goals of your doctor is to treat you with effective therapy. To do this you need to be honest with yourself and with your dr. Treatment only works if you are ready for it. Don't go into it just because.
Be sure you are mentally and physically ready for it. This will ensure a happy healthy life and the success of your first treatment.
Also don't underestimate the power that stopping to take a pill will have over your mental health. It might seem like something so simple but it can also be the hardest thing you have ever had to do because it's a daily reminder. So be prepared.
That said with today's standard of meds they are a lot less toxic and easier than ever to adhere to. Side effects are minor if any and they can help you live a full life.
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riverprincess
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I didn't mean for my stages of pos to uspet you , especially the 5th stage. You'll understand better as you begin to live with this " illness " Then you will see it all in the light it was meant for. Again I apologise if it rattled but it is what it is. It's not a bad thing . You just don't understand why it needs to be there.
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riverprincess
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Hey Bird , Three steps forward and one step back still puts you ahead. Thank you for your understanding what was meant by it all.
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riverprincess
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Everyone is focusing on the last part but seem to forget where it all began. And it was with encouragement and optimism . Everyone is so hung up on what was written in stage 5 that they have totally missed where it all started. So please don't get your skivies all bunched up . It's not about the end, geeze it's about living, but guess yous just don't get it.
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thebird1959
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You're right riverprincess, everybody is focusing on the last part. Dying is just an inevitable part of living. I like like most people would find it pleasant not to have to go. Do I worry about it? No, I've got better things to do. When I read the 5 Stages I focused on the first 4 which gave me words of encouragement. The 5th stage was just wrote as an ending to life, sorta like a good movie that you hate to see come to an end, but it does. Just like reading a good book. When you get to the last page that's it.
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riverprincess
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So glad you understand Bird . It sorta hurt me when I got all the negative feed back but I know the intendtions were misunderstood. Glad you understood.
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