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Just diagnosed and trying to suck it up...
#259734 - 01/01/12 02:24 PM
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I was just diagnosed a little more than a week ago. I am still go through wild emotions. One minute I am able to clean my house and laugh at comedies and the next I feel depressed and wanting to cry. I still pray everyday that my results from the test taken on base will negative, even though I was prelim pos at a civilian hosp. So I may be in denial as well. I don't want to go on meds to control my emotions but GOSH how did any of you get thru the emotional rollercoaster??? What happened when you went to work right after your diagnosis? I'm scared someone is going to ask me how was my new year's and I will burst out crying! I'm trying to tough it out, riverprincess, but it is soooo hard....
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I think alot of us went through similar feelings as you when first diagnosed. I was in denial and had a 2nd test done. I took the 2nd test right away and when I took it, I just knew it would come back negative but as I waited for the results reality sunk in and was pretty sure it would come back positive. I knew I was just fooling myself. I decided, ok, I just need to face this, see my doctor, trust my doctor and just do whatever I was told. The best advice my doctor gave me at the very beginning was not to let this identify me and that it was no one's business. It took awhile for it all to absorb but once it did it became easier. The only mistake i think he made was not putting me on anti anxiety medicine which he should have done immediately with me. I think I was trying to put on a brave face when I saw him but I was very unstable in the beginning. I never had panic attacks before so I didn't knoq what they were but I ended in the ER several times because I couldn't breath and didn't know what was happening to me. The doctors ran all kinds of tests on me and found nothing wrong with me. They were all panic attacks and had I been put on some kind of medication, I could have saved myself many horrible days and nights. My primary doctor put me on ambien so i could sleep which is very important. I don't think anyone should feel guilty if they need medication to control emotions as it's a very stressful thing to find out you have HIV. Faith, support from a friend or anyone, and medicine are all important in my opinion to get through the early days after diagnosis.
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Thank you, PeaceandLove. I hate to be whiney but I sure needed to hear those words again. I suspect I might post something similar later as the work week goes on. I talk to my sister but I hate to continually burden her with this. I sure hope this site can take it for a while. Thank you again.
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You aren't alone. I found out in November after a very public illness at my work (actually was on an overseas work trip with 20 co-workers and ended up in 3 different hospitals trying to figure out why I was so sick and was dropping so much weight).
I found out on Nov 7. It hasn't been 2 months for me but if there is anything I can assure you - is this does get easier. I still think about this every second. Let yourself go through the process of dealing with this - scream, cry, grieve, give up - but only do it for a short period of time and then pick yourself up and start looking for how this will make you stronger. I thought it was crap when people told me that, 2 months later, I totally believe it.
After 2 months, there are 3 things I've learned:
1. When I feel totally alone, I read these forums to realize I'm not going through anything new here.
2. Sleep is the most important thing in your life right now. If you can't sleep, you will become exhausted and even more overwhelmed.
3. Be careful of who you tell right now. This will change your relationships with friends and family. In my case, they've been incredibly supportive but I realized now I was too much of a wreck to really accurately assess if it was the right decision to tell people. I also wasn't strong when I told them so if they hadn't had any previous knowledge they immediately went back to those sad images we had of what this like in the 80s and early 90s.
Stay strong.
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My Elisa was reactive the Tuesday before Christmas. I've been holding on to this secret around my family over the holidays. It's a nightmare. I know the odds are my Western Blot will be pos... and I'm afraid of how I'll react on Wednesday when the test comes in. I took the Elisa result VERY hard... since then I've gone through 10000 emotions. I hope I will be stronger when the final test comes back. I'm trying to prepare, but I don't know how.
I want to tell my family, but I fear that it will make it even worse for me emotionally. What can they say right now? I'd be the one convincing them that I can still have a life - or even be around for a few years - and right now I still need to be convinced of that myself.
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Thank you, Stillnumb. You are right I do need sleep. If I continue to have these mini anxiety attacks and losing sleep, I might have to talk to someone about meds to calm me down.
TheGoodLife, thank you for sharing. I wrote on your other post. I"m so sorry about this. If you stay on this site, you will feel a bit better about this in time. I am wrestling with massive guilt myself about spreading this to others so right now I am probably the last person to try to comfort you. But the others on this site can because they are past this.
TheGoodLife, I apologize for being too invasive but you mention your family. Are you married? (Please don't answer if you don't want.) Are you thinking about suicide? If you want to talk further, I will be up for AWHILE tonight. You can private message me.
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AIDS2HIV
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Legend
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Reged: 12/19/05
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Posts: 2165
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id hafta say... You are right on schedule 
we all go through this in some form or another, just remember...this too shall pass.
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It will get better, promise!
I found out on a Saturday and when I went to work on Monday, I felt like I was just a zombie - I'm sure I looked awful. I just kind of walked around and stared at everyone with a vacant look. I really did not know what I was going to do.
But, getting here to this forum was the thing that really started helping me get my thoughts organized, got me amped up on information to take to my doc, and start attacking the situation head-on. Once I had a plan with my doc and started identifying the dots and then connecting them, I started feeling like myself again and having hope. From there, I got genotyped, selected my meds, and got going on what is now the rest of my life.
Talking to the people here helped me realize I was going to be ok if I chose to be. Five months later, when we found out about my girlfriend's infection and AIDS diagnosis, we sailed through it and are doing very well. We are now both very healthy and have a very long and full life ahead of ourselves. The traffic here will probably kills us before this virus does, or some other aging issue. We (including you) are so blessed to be dealing with this in an era where there are good meds to manage it and lots of new technologies in the pipeline that will improve our chances even more and more.
I know you are grieving right now, that is what you need to do, but you will be ok, and you will smile again. Please contact me for anything you want to discuss. Talking really helps!
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