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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Reged: 12/13/11
Posts: 2
Was waiting to test positive for a few years
      #259441 - 12/13/11 03:59 AM

Well im 29 yrs old, 30 in January and i just got diagnosed over the thanksgiving holiday. It wasn't a shock to me because i had been waiting to test positve years ago-- i just was lucky for so long, I think that I started to doubt that I could catch it. I only date men now but i was bisexual for a long time, since around 14 I dealt with guys "on the low" and until I met my son's mom/ ex- fiance I did what the in thing was to do. To cut through some history, I went into the military and dumped her for a guy within a year of coming home. No i did not deal with the guy while i was in, in four years completely separeted from my fiance, I cheated on her maybe three times, not to lessen the wrong, but i always used protection and i got tested long before i would come home on leave, like that makes it better. Anyway though the guy that I left her for and I spent five years in a turbulent relationship. He was in and out of jail, we were homeless for a while. Any gay guy can tell you, its real easy to make a few dollars when your on the street, especially if you get high. I smoke weed still but back then it was Ecstasy, weed, alcohol, and shrooms, But eventually the guy and I were able to get it together enough to move in with my mom. Before that though, he was diagnosed with syphallis, the lady at the health department, even though illegeal-- pulled me aside and told me to protect myself because the explanation that he was giving for his infection didnt add up. I pretended to listen to her point but the whole time i was think i wish shed shutup, I should have listened. But how could i be mad at him for doing the same thing that I was doing its just that I wasn't on the receiving end of any anal sex that I guess prolonged my infection. So like i said we move in with my mom and we fight for about 4 more months and then he gets locked up for a year to 18 months. I begrudgingly go on with my life, still playing boyfriend over the phone to the ex, but dealing with a new guy already, a police. Now by this time ive got in my head that what the nurse was really telling me is that my ex was hiv + as well as the spyhallis. So im my mind im +. Im having protected sex with the police but not with any of the random guys that I slowly seemed to grow addicted to-- internet shopping for guys is just as addictive. So the police comes to me one day and says we should get tested, at least I should but he has a test paper saying that he's negative. Having gone to a pretty progressive high school, I know you can be positive and test negative-- so i feel like hes lying-- still do, there were other clues but liars lie and he was definitely a liar. So he and i start to go arye and then we get back together a=break up and so on. The ex comes home and we're sleeping around-- mind you he just came home from jail which is a sess pool of infection. And im on Adam4adam, men4now,, black men for sex now, etc all day everyday-- I mean like past addiction straight to dependency. And its never the same guy more than say three times, and its all unprotected. Not to be graphic but i was running around sticking myself into anything warm to feel close to another man-- hind sight right. So then i started sleeping with guys that were upfront about being positive, I was sure i already had. I had really convinced myself. I kinda get things together leaving both the cop and the criminal and start dealing with one of the random hookups from Adam. Everything is cool, he annoys me from time to time but its no big deal. I think I love him. We deal with each other for a year, I start straying of course, o i have a friend and side piece and thats it-- then I sleep with maybe three randoms and all three tell me they are positive. One actuallty told me in the shower after we had just sex, I didnt care. I started to feel like if I expect it to be positive then when it is, i wont be hurt. But im popping condoms as well during protected sex, on purpose. I had been doing that since the cop and i started to see each other the first time. So still with the guy that Im with now, a year into I get the call from the health department saying that somebody that I have slept with is positive and i should get tested, well no shit. to be honest most that I had slept with were probably positive. SO after a fight with myself I go get tested, its the first test in about two years at that point. Negative- so i start fussing about conspiracies to keep people infecting other people by not telling pos people that they are pos, or the test are wrong, because im sure by this time im pos.I continue to slowley move away from the current guy and continue to screw him, the side piece and the rest. About two years into the side piece comes to me like a man and says to me I just found ,,, Im like his rock. Getting him info on hiv showing him how to go on the internet and look up different terms, I need support but im trynna be somebody else support, i can almost laugh at it now. So i tell my lover that my firend( he does know its friends with benefits) is positve and im nervous about it because we've shared partners. He fesses up that he is too, so we get into. He says that the call i got was about him and it was the first time that he had tested positive. I let the argument go and got tested again, still negative. So we try using condoms, but ive never been able to get into the sex using a condom, but truth be told by this time, sex with him wasnt appealing like it was with random guys. But we continue until another argument on a drunk night leads my lover to admit that he was diagnosed in 1990 with it and had been scared to tell me because he assumed i was positive because we had unprotected sex. Funny thing is when he was just a random partner, we did use protection. So now i feel like everyone around me is positive anyway, but i dont dump the guy or the sidepeice, still with both today. And that where im lost at now. I got sick, swollen nodes and back and neck pain, went to the hospital and got tested and diagnosed within a week of thanksgiving. I havent cried or gotten sad, I was angry for about two days but it didnt manifest itself until he and I got into a argument, that I started. I havent told the side piece becausei think hell run his mouth to the rest of the world, and im so afraid of my family and everything finding out. I know they will support me on the surface but talk about me like a dog behind my bag and ive had enough of that. Its just like it seems to me that some many were trying to purposefully infect me and I just didnt care enough about myself to stop it, not how do i find the strength to leave these two worthless situations alone, the friend and the lover. I want to feel something about being sick but its like whatever, shits always going foul and i had been waiting for this since 2005 so now what. Sleepless nights and roaming the house, Im not sad, im just numb, confused, ashamed, feeling guilty and theres so much anger beneath the surface. Oh yeah and i have to deal with the Va and the women down there annoy me, Ive only had two appointments since i got diagnosed and both times a nurse hit on me (on appointment was bloodwork of course)and then once she started the pocedure kinda drew away from me. With the blood drawing especially I felt like the girl was like eww hiv confirmation tubes umm imma stop hitting on you know and go over here-- like i was wearing a huge sign. Somebody help me out here please-- i think im going crazy--

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Reged: 10/25/10
Posts: 1131
Loc: GA, USA
Re: Was waiting to test positive for a few years new
      #259443 - 12/13/11 11:26 AM

First off I am sorry that you tested positive no matter how it happened.

You're not going crazy, just the first time you probably sat down and had a self realization. They can be intense and often enlightening perspective of yourself. It sounds like you know you are angry, but I think you also know its with yourself. Well the milk was spilled and it was sour, but there is no reason to beat yourself up over it. You have plenty of time to get things back on the right track and make this a learning experience rather than an excuse.

Seek out a therapist to talk this stuff out, use the anger to achieve positive goals, and most importantly allow yourself the freedom to find you. Sounds like a bunch of hippy crap, but until you decide to make this into a positive life changing experience rather than the end, well it will be what you want it to be.

My inbox is always open if you would like to chat.

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Reged: 12/13/11
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Re: Was waiting to test positive for a few years new
      #259450 - 12/13/11 03:07 PM

Thanks you-- btw I'm kind of a modern day hippie anyway so the advice was on point for me. Just thanks for reading and replying, I needed it-- and I will try to use this anger as drive, that's a good idea.

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