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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

Pages: 1
NorthLander
Member

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 12
Diagnosed Postive:Heavy Painful heart,how to cope with LIFE NOW !!!!
      #259369 - 12/06/11 09:53 PM

Am feeling so strange to pen here & very scare & terrify that people will know or found out who i am.

Here a short story:
I was admitted to hospital for Chronic Cholecystitis & during the stay, Dr ask if want to test for HIV so w/o any hesitation i agreed NEVER IMAGINING THAT I MAY HAVE THE DISEASE! The test was suppose to be out the next day but no news.. the nurse said my data was LOCKED and cannot be access...So when i discharged, i forgot about the whole thing.

Only after a mth i was call back for check up on my gallbladder inflammation but once the check is done, Doc disclosed that i was HIV POSITIVE!! at that moment i fell apart, heart was pounding hard & heavy..fell like i cant breath at all...

Throughout the whole day,I had a gruesome terrible time after Doc disclose to me
Till now am in shock and not able to handle myself very well with the suicide thoughts running in my head still !!!
I wanted to start treatment but the blood test for CD4 yet to out.
Want to cure but can’t, can only lower the viral load and increase my CD4 which might not be able to happen as well !!!

From an outspoken sporty person transform into a down quite character & having to put up a 'Double' face when seeing family, friends & colleagues... It's a heavy heart inside me & crying the whole night knowing that I have it...and I seem to lose that interest in doing sports!!!

Blame myself for it & off course HATED my ex partner didn't disclose to me that he had it... but what the point here!!!
And being single for 10yrs and wanted too have a long term relationship now all gone crashing down...
Will people give me the social stigma feeling? that I don want to experience at all… And I will find love to hold on and share my sadness to someone who will acknowledge me for who i am??
Will my friends despise me if i disclosed to them or they will stay by me???
Part of me wanting to tell but terrified of the outcome!!
What should i do??? Really Really lost NOW!!!

Am not sure how I am going to handle my daily routines and move on from now...
Just seem to lose those interests in life...
The worse part, I don’t know how to face my love ones,close friends & colleagues.
And I had to BOTTLED this dark secret to my coffin!

Y


--------------------
Cheers,
KC

Edited by NorthLander (12/11/11 12:00 AM)

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notinterested
All Star

Reged: 09/07/11
Posts: 127
Re: Just Diagnose Postive: Felt Shameful & Guilt new
      #259375 - 12/06/11 10:59 PM

Hang in there. All I can say is it will get easier with time, I promise. Do everything your doc tells you and don't let this identify who you are because it doesn't. Think of it as a rock in your shoe that's always there and kind of annoying but life still goes on. I know how you feel though about putting on a smile when your really screaming from the inside. I felt that way too and some days, not very often anymore, still find that dark place, but I always find a way out as I try and just focus on the good things that life brings me. If you don't have a dog, consider adopting one. My little puppy has brought me much joy and happiness with her unconditional love. Take care of yourself and hang in there. It will get better.

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NorthLander
Member

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 12
Re: Just Diagnose Postive: Felt Shameful & Guilt new
      #259377 - 12/07/11 12:22 AM

TQ PeaceandLove,

I do hope it will get easy as days pass but it kept me thinking so many -ve thought on 'What If'..

But for sure i will take your advice of 'a rock in your shoe that's always there and kind of annoying but life still goes on

I will try to think of it everyday..but you know that something you just want to get it out from you...

I wish i can have a dog but my family had 2 nieces so can't

I will take care & try to run more marathons to get it out from my mind

You too take care and thanks again for the very 1st encouragement for me from you.


--------------------
Cheers,
KC

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hellfire
Member

Reged: 10/04/05
Posts: 23
Loc: fl
Re: Just Diagnose Postive: Felt Shameful & Guilt new
      #259517 - 12/17/11 06:44 PM

it will get easier. life will go back to normal. & yes, you can still find love. the road is bumpy & its a lot of information to take in at once, but you just need to take a deep breath & relax. living with the what ifs & the coulda woulda shouldas will only drive you crazy. & just like with anything in life, you will run into ppl who will be close minded & less accepting. as far as friends, you TRUE friends will stand right beside you & be waiting to help you up when you stumble. I have lost a few "friends"... which actually has enriched my life by them leaving. i know the ppl who surround me & support me lov me... truly honestly & wholeheartedly. its a genuine respect for my life, not a selfish conditional "like". as far as family, my mom & dad know.. i felt i owed them that. it was hard, we cried... but in the end, its broken down a stereotype. heterosexual non IV drug using women can get HIV. i didnt do anything wrong, except trust the wrong person.

i know, we all here know, that its seems like an overwhelming obstacle with so many uncertainties... but once you settle in & realize that all of life is uncertain, things will fall into place. its taken me years to get to where i am. im not thrilled i have HIV, but im no longer sad or angry about it. just like my red hair & green eyes, its part of who i am. it doesnt define me, it doesnt make me less of a person... me makes me stronger - which is something i NEVER thought would be possible to feel 6yrs ago.

give yourself time... remember that love is all around you, ppl can, will & do care AND, youre never alone.

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angelbear
Newbie

Reged: 12/18/11
Posts: 5
Re: Diagnosed Postive:Heavy Painful heart,how to cope with LIFE NOW !!!! new
      #259525 - 12/18/11 09:03 PM

Hi my friend I was reading your post and I have to tell you, I know is not easy when you find out for the first time that you are HIV+ but hang in there, in my case when I was detected I only had 2 T-Cells in my body so that meant that I was AIDS, when I was detected it was in 1998 and ppl were dying from it now you could have a normal life with the treatment, I was raped when I was 16 and that's how I contracted the virus, they put me on meds and I been undetectable since 1999 and even tho i'm positive I found a partner who's not and loves me and respect me for who I am, you would find yours too don't worry, you life is not ending because of this is just going to change a little.

good luck

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fveryspecial
Newbie

Reged: 12/22/11
Posts: 3
Re: Diagnosed Postive:Heavy Painful heart,how to cope with LIFE NOW !!!! new
      #259575 - 12/22/11 05:38 PM

To my sister and brother, first find time to heal. It will get better with time for you have support right here with others just like you. It gets to a time when you will feel as if noone else understands your pain but hunny, here we all do cause we all have been there. Believe us when we tell you that it dose get better and you can and will live a happy life sweetheart. Much love to all and Happy Holidays. Until next year, LALA

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NorthLander
Member

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 12
Re: Just Diagnose Postive: Felt Shameful & Guilt new
      #259618 - 12/26/11 11:27 AM

Hi hi

Merry Christmas to you, hope you had a great celebration.

Thanks for the poz feedback & for sure it will take lots of time for me. Till now i can still feel the pinch on myself that i had it.
Here we are promoting people to accept ppl like me & so when i saw this advertisement it make me upset... even i want to move on with my life...

Just kind of feel a bit guilt towards my family, and from my friends yes they sure can't accept me having this HIV..

And i could hardly tell anyone as i scare back fire outcome & i would not know how to handle it...if i could not handle i afraid i will just go die!! honestly...

Finally the wait is near & i will know my result on 29Dec abt my VL verse CD4..I am terrify and i scare of the result plus the medication will causes effect..

Once again thank you for your encouragement and i will try my to best to stay positive and not let HIV act as a hurdle against me...just pray hard for that...

Cheers

--------------------
Cheers,
KC

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riverprincessModerator
Moderator

Reged: 12/25/11
Posts: 1738
Loc: Jersey Shore
Re: Just Diagnose Postive: Felt Shameful & Guilt new
      #259673 - 12/29/11 12:40 PM

Whatever your t-cel count is , you'll do fine. Many of us have had single digit counts. You just take your meds and do the best you can . There are much worse illness tht others have to deal with. This is very managable. And it is not so easy to spread to others as many think.

--------------------
Look up to the Heavens for the answers to Lifes questions .

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wanttolive
Member

Reged: 12/30/11
Posts: 15
Re: Diagnosed Postive:Heavy Painful heart,how to cope with LIFE NOW !!!! new
      #259703 - 12/30/11 10:16 PM

Wow. Your first post describes exactly how I am feeling now. I was just diagnosed a week ago. I have like dying but I know I can't off myself and go to heaven. I put on this fake smile and tell my sister that I am ok. (She is the only ones besides my former sex partner who knows.) How did you get past this devastated feeling? I don't think I have ever felt this way in my life except when my mother and grandmother died.

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NorthLander
Member

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 12
Re: Just Diagnose Postive: Felt Shameful & Guilt new
      #260053 - 01/11/12 08:44 AM

Hi RiverPrincess,

Thank thanks you so much for your encouragement !
I will take ur advice but at times it hard when u actually know the CD4 is getting low.. Reality am still find it hard to accept.

I will try to stay postive & life on healthier .
And I hope u too as well.

Cheers
Y


--------------------
Cheers,
KC

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