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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Cruhaven
Member

Reged: 11/22/11
Posts: 10
Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt
      #259360 - 12/06/11 12:55 PM

Just in time for the holiday season I was diagnosed as HIV+ and after two grueling weeks, I got my CD4 cell count and I am officially labeled as having AIDS. My count is 48. Sucks, right? Yeah. But that is not the whole of the story. In my quest for seeking some random sexual experience I may have infected my wife unknowingly. Molested as a child, raped as a teenager, I thought getting married would make it better. Cold marriage, very little sex from the beginning. Adopted 2 kids. Thought it would be better. It is not. I began to wander and now I am HIV+. I am pretty sure I was infected 5 years ago. My CD4 counts dictate that hypothesis. Of course this is all after the fact. She is getting tested now and we will know the results soon. Even though I was unfaithful, I would never wish this upon anyone. I never had even thought I would possibly infect her. I used protection. I thought I did everything right. But it did not happen that way. I am crushed with the prospect of me getting my rocks off, I have engaged her in a battle for her life if she is positive. I pray that our complete lack of sex has protected her. I have placed a huge burden on her life and that is simply wrong of me. I feel guilty, shamed and extremely remorseful. She's allowing me to stay in the house until after the holidays and then I am on my own. She is planning on a divorce, keeping the kids and in her words, "I do not give a fuck what you do." And I deserve that. I am guilty. So now the question remains: do I start taking meds and live? Or curl up in a homeless shelter and die? I am 45 years old. I have been struggling with this question ever since the diagnosis. Would it not be easier to let this take me then explain everything to my family, friends and workers? This is the dilemma that I am in. This is so confusing and frightening and scary and alot of other adjectives.

Any ideas? Thoughts. Please post if you are actually concerned or interested. I do not want to hear from haters and flamers.. There is facebook for that kind of behaviour.

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ablenwilling
Newbie

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 1
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259367 - 12/06/11 06:34 PM

GOD DON'T MAKE JUNK

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njpozdad
Regular

Reged: 01/26/11
Posts: 51
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259368 - 12/06/11 07:03 PM

Basically my story too......Married came out and then hiv+. I would like to help you....call me tomorrow in my office 732 578 7121....my email is sportsman07960@yahoo.com...It will help to hear a kind voice......My name is Charles HIV+ since July 2010....

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ammexico
Newbie

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 2
Loc: Mexico
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259370 - 12/06/11 10:02 PM

Hi! This is the fist time I enter this site. I saw your post and wanted to write something. i also had bad experiences as a child. I'm a mexican woman who is not hiv positive. My best friend is hiv + and I'm learning to deal with the disease since he doesn´t have a family but me. This disease has helped him and my self to understand that there is always hope. The re is someone that cares about you. Don't give up!!!! . I think that if you are writing here it is because you are seeking for support. We all make mistakes and that is part of being alive.
Hope you'll find the way to go throw this!

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GentNearMelrose
Newbie

Reged: 11/28/11
Posts: 11
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259371 - 12/06/11 10:34 PM

in my opinion, just my opinion, you don't need to tell any one right now, just get through the next few months and then you can give that more thought. Things may seem bleak, but meds seem to be the biggest issue here. Life is precious, I know right now this must be said. Save your life. Then everything else will works its self out. Get healthy, find the things you value in life. Hold on to them, I know things can get better, but you must want them to get better. All is not lost my friend.

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lincolnsense
Newbie

Reged: 06/10/11
Posts: 4
Loc: USA
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259372 - 12/06/11 10:40 PM

I hope you choose to live and start taking meds (assuming that is what your physician advises). It is definitely possible to recover and lead a happy and fulfilling life even given your difficult scenario. I have passed through a situation very similar to yours and come out the other end in very good shape. It has taken me almost 4 years. I spent several years beating myself up and living with shame and guilt. This is pretty common and normal when we get such shocking news. And it's even more likely when we have past issues (abuse, etc.) that are probably unresolved. But, if we want to live, we have to work through it, be patient and not be too hard on ourselves. Hopefully your wife's test will come back negative. Keep in mind that you aren't required to tell everything to your family, friends, and co-workers. I would strongly suggest that you get some type of support - either a very close trusted friend, a therapist, or an HIV support group which may be available through your hospital (or search on line). Or all of these things. This is VERY HARD to handle on your own - and you don't need to. I have found these types of support extremely helpful. It did take me several years to get out of the dark place before I took advantage of this help. I hope it does not take you that long. There are people out there who have faced what you are facing and have come through it successfully. Please think about it. Only you can decide how you want to proceed, but many people - including myself - are living good lives and have not let HIV dictate our happiness. Feel free to private message me if you would like to talk more. Best wishes to you. Paul

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lovinglife101
Newbie

Reged: 11/24/09
Posts: 8
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259380 - 12/07/11 09:56 AM

Hey Cruhaven,
I am very sorry to hear of your situations. I am 47 and have been living with HIV for 27 years. Do not give up. 15 years ago I had less than 50 T-Cells, I was homeless, scared and ready to die. The new medications allowed me to regain my health, regain my hope, and to work on my issues.

Today, I am healthy and happy. I spent the last ten years in school, earned my BA, then two Masters and now on my way to a PhD.

Everyone makes mistakes and bad choices. We are all human. Learn from this and each day try to do the next right thing, for yourself and for those you love.

You are not alone, we are here with you!

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njpozdad
Regular

Reged: 01/26/11
Posts: 51
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259395 - 12/08/11 02:33 PM

Just something to think about....If society had accepted gay men unconditionally as it does straight men then we wouldn't have found the need to marry and try to change....I was raised Italian Catholic in the 1960's in a very macho family of all jocks so I could never had told anyone what I was feeling...This is not really totally your fault. A homophobic society needs to take some blame as well.....I hope you reach out to those who have responded to you. You need to hear a kind voice.......Get into treatment.......Start meds ASAP....Each day will be easier than the previous day....and soon you will be happy.....THe fact that my wife and I never had sex protected her from being hiv+ so its likely your wife is neg too.........

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Cruhaven
Member

Reged: 11/22/11
Posts: 10
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259416 - 12/12/11 12:32 AM

A quick update: her results came back negative. That is good news. Now I can deal with just myself with this disease.

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GentNearMelrose
Newbie

Reged: 11/28/11
Posts: 11
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259426 - 12/12/11 08:01 PM

Great news Cruhaven! I'm pulling for you sir! Hope it all works out!

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njpozdad
Regular

Reged: 01/26/11
Posts: 51
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259484 - 12/15/11 05:41 PM

Good News!

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ammexico
Newbie

Reged: 12/06/11
Posts: 2
Loc: Mexico
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259491 - 12/16/11 12:27 AM

Great news! Stay strong!

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angelbear
Newbie

Reged: 12/18/11
Posts: 5
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259526 - 12/18/11 09:23 PM

Hi my friend, I just wanted to tell you everybody makes mistakes and I hope you choose to live, live is precious, I was rapped when I was 16 and thats how I contracted the virus, it was hard on me but I sill wanted to live, when I was detected 1998 I only had 2 T-cells in my body and now I am undetectable and living a normal life.
I agree with hollywoodgen there is no need to tell anybody about it only your family and who ever you engage any sexual activity nobody needs to know your business, from now on always use condoms remember that aids is not the only STD out there.

Good luck

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Pos_in_Thailand
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/11
Posts: 464
Loc: Thailand
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259637 - 12/27/11 10:07 AM

Hi again. I hope you got my other message.

I don't think you should feel ashamed. You have been in a relationship that does not sound very loving or nurturing. You have been emotionally and physically deprived of affection and were seeking to console yourself and feel like a valued human - I think many would have done the same. Your wife says she is deserting you? Well, it sounds like she did a long time ago. I think that once you work through this and are on your own and have your legs under you again, you may see this as a blessing that got you to live and not be in this unhealthy situation any longer.

While you are waiting to get going on the meds, your doctor should be putting you on preventatives to keep you protected, such as Bactrim and antifungals. As I said before in another message to you, you need to get sensitivity testing and get on a cocktail ASAP to get your body back in the ring again. The Red Cross has programs all over the world that give people the same quality medications as you get in the US, at a fraction of the cost. My Atripla meds coat me $100 per month. My labs are about $70, and the genotyping and sensitivity testing was about $300. You can get 6 months of meds at a time - I know many people who travel here twice a year, get their meds and go home. Maybe you find out if there is a Red Cross program in Mexico? That may be easier for you to get to. Use the internet to find out. If you can get to Thailand, I can get you in touch with the Red Cross Wellness Clinic at Lumpini Park - I know they will take care of you there. Search Mexico or another closer country first to see what you can find.

Don't lose hope and stop hating yourself. You must love yourself right now and use this to catapult you into the life that you have always dreamed of having. You can do this!

PS: I found this URL that lists treatment centers in the Mexico and Baja areas. Maybe this can help you get started?
http://aids-etc.org/aidsetc?page=rep-umbast-mx

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jbjesus
Newbie

Reged: 04/01/10
Posts: 1
Loc: Georgia, USA
Re: Diagnosed Positive, Feeling Shame and Guilt new
      #259657 - 12/28/11 08:56 AM

You can make it, don't give up on your life or family. I was in almost the same situation as you are. I was molested as a young boy, grew up without my dad, I was in the church almost all of my life and married for 23 yrs. When I found out that I was hiv positive, my wife left the hospital and was very angry, our children was still in high school, but I was determined to keep my family together, I was very sick at that time Cd4 count at 8, forgot viral load but it was very high. I prayed and ask God to cover my family, recommitted myself to church. Today my our children is all growned up and we are still together, my family is supported and most importantly, I'm in church and praising God. please contact me in my email I would like to share more with you in detail and become perhaps friends and support of each other...Thx. & you be encourage, it's not the end of the world for you

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