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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Reged: 06/12/10
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Yesterday, My Life Changed Forever
      #250720 - 06/13/10 12:25 AM

I must start off saying that as if yesterday, I was this vibrant, full of life, African American 24yr young lady with a bright promising future ahead. Now, after getting my test back yesterday and hearing, I am sorry to tell you this but you are HIV positive, how do I continue on?

I have always been the happy, smiling and logical person of the group. I never meet strangers and I have always worn my heart on my sleeves. So I canít act like everything is ok because truth is my body is going to fail me soon or later and I going to get sick and this wasnít part of my plan. Since the news, I have cried practically all day and I haven't smiled since which is not my personality.

I did tell my best friend and my aunt who raised me as her child. See, I don't have a big family and I come from a very small town who casts out stigmas of any sort. So, I must hide this from the world and I don't know how because I will never be the same person. I am not strong enough to deal with this. They did try to be supportive but they have never dealt with anything like this. My aunt is sick herself with lupus and some joint disorder and she has a lot on her plate and I felt selfish just telling her. My best friend on the other hand is very spiritual but she lost her mother a year ago and she is already the backbone of her family and now I just added pressure on her, I canít believe I am this person now who needs help. I have always valued my independent nature and outgoing personality.

I grew up as the golden child of my tiny poor family. I am the oldest and only girl. I graduated second in my class in HS, joined the Army in my junior yr of HS and went to a nice college on a full academic scholarship. I was supposed to do great things. To top this off, I just got home from a deployment and since returning home, I am just now finishing up undergraduate school and yesterday after receiving the worst news in the world, I had to go apply for graduation. One of my biggest accomplishments feels like nothing to me now and I just want to die and give up. Again, this may not be the way to go about this but my life is over as I know it and I will never be the same.

So, now I look back and say how do I get past this. I have been reading blogs and basically anything and everything on websites to understand HIV. I want to say, I will get past this but I am not that person. I am me and I donít do sickness, I have always been active in sports, healthy and never in a hospital or on any meds ever.

So to read that I must change everything just to keep CD4 levels up and viral load low, I am going crazy and feeling more depressed by the second. I don't know how I could be so careless and let this happen to me. I always knew the consequences yet, I let myself down and everyone else. I had dreams to be become a medical social worker, actually supposed to start graduate school next year. I have no desire to do anything now, but die ASAP. How did my life end up here?

I read that you must conquer this and don't let it destroy you. How can I be happy and know that I killed myself and that I will never be the same. I live in a smaller state and we don't have the resources like bigger areas. I don't know if I can do this and regardless of that fact that HIV patients are living longer, I don't want to suffer and cause any more pain to anyone else.

I can't say that I am not to blame, I did this. Worst part to me is that the one man I loved more than life itself, hates me now. I had to tell him and he treated me like I was the worst thing to ever happen to him. I have loved this man for six years and the entire time, he has always been a jerk but now in the midst of me telling him that I am positive, he is gone. He wants nothing to do with me and he basically hates me. So now I have to live knowing, no man has ever loved me my entire life and now at 24, I am going to die one day of a virus alone with no children and no hope to ever getting better.

So my question is how am I supposed to be happy again when I have nothing to look forward to but a suffering life and then death?

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Reged: 01/20/07
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Re: Yesterday, My Life Changed Forever new
      #250721 - 06/13/10 02:16 AM

Iíll be one of the first to tell you that living with HIV is not always a cake walk. Like you, I donít do sickness. Still donít do it. 14 years after becoming HIV+ Iím still in pretty good health. My husband, not so much, after 21 years, but you know, if it wasnít HIV, it could be a number of other health related issues. The longer I live the less HIV in and of itself is important. Iíve learned that we all have a load to carry, lessons to learn. Some of us do it by walking this path.
Itís rotten timing but the love of your lifeÖĒthe always a jerkĒÖ.sometimes painful things in our lives turn out to be for the good. It doesnít sound like he was going to be any good as a support source. Heís probably dealing with his own fears. If the two of you never tested together, it may have been him that gave it to you. But at this point none of that really matters.
You say all you have to look forward to is suffering and death. Not so. I know that is an impossible belief for you at the moment. I know how you feel. No hope, no idea how to cope or where to turn. What you are feeling is so very normal. Hell your world has just been turned upside down and inside out. Itís going to take time to find balance and regain yourself. You will. Not only that but you will find that you gain a stronger self.
Itís good that you have been able to seek support. I know itís hard on the people that care about you to hearÖand some you canít tell, but they too will adjust as will you.
I canít tell you that it all just magically gets better. It doesnít. But it wouldnít if youíd been told you had ovarian cancer, or diabetes or had lost a limb or all movement in an accident. Itís part of life. No one has an idyllic life. No one. But human nature saves us. The shock wears off, life becomes a new normal. I can tell you that you wonít always be happy dealing with HIV. You will get tired of the drag of medications, doctor appointments, but you donít have to change your entire life for HIV. Nor does your life have to revolve around HIV.
ďSo my question is how am I supposed to be happy again when I have nothing to look forward to but a suffering life and then death?Ē
You still have everything youíve ever dreamed to look forward to. That included a long term relationship and kids if that is what you want. You have a degree to be proud of. I didnít go back to get mine until I was 49.
What do I look forward to after 14 years? Laughter with friends, (yes you will smile again), feeling the sunshine on my face, sleeping in on a rainy Saturday morning, finding a really great pair of shoes, achieving my dreams, road trips, babysitting the grandkids, digging in the dirt and seeing what new plants I can growÖ.any way I hope you get my point. Life is full of things to look forward toÖboth big and smallÖand you will look forward to them.
Meanwhile be kind to yourself as you adjust to this change in your life. Take the lessons you learn through this and remember them because they will help you deal with living with this disease. Strong people survive and you certainly sound as if you fit that bill.

You will be alright.

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Reged: 06/04/10
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Re: Yesterday, My Life Changed Forever new
      #250730 - 06/14/10 01:59 AM

Hello NeverLoved,
I understand your pain, fear and shame. I was diagnosed positive less than two months ago and I have struggled with it ever since. This is not an easy road, but I can say that it gets better slowly. I feel that everyday I learn to accept myself a little more, and understand what is happening to me. This is not a death sentence. Take some time to review this website. It's inspiring, as there are a lot of people who have changed their lives for the better and are living well, even after 15 -20 years of being diagnosed.
It's great that you are upbeat and healthy. Keep that going, it can help you in the long run! Surround yourself with the people that you love (and who love you). They will accept you for who you are. As for this man, the way he treated you when you need him most.... that is UNACCEPTABLE. You don't need him in your life anymore! Focus on taking care of yourself right now. Love and peace to you!

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Reged: 05/08/10
Posts: 15
Re: Yesterday, My Life Changed Forever new
      #250813 - 06/19/10 06:57 AM

Esmerelda hit the nail on the head. In today's world, you're more likely to die from a stray bullet than you are to die from HIV. My cousin has been positive 20+ years. When he told me that, I was floored because like you, I thought it was THE END.
I had a scare months ago, and he was my go-to-guy. Essentially what he said is this:
If you are pos Some things must change (diet, drinking, risky behaviors, etc.) Others must not (dreams, drive, perseverance, goals, determination)
YOU'RE STILL HERE...AND YOU WILL BE FOR A LONG TIME. MAKE THE BEST OF IT!!!! I offer my friendship, support, shoulder, ear...and even my pos cousin. If you ever need to talk, give us a shout

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Reged: 03/20/06
Posts: 21
Re: Yesterday, My Life Changed Forever new
      #251146 - 07/13/10 01:47 AM

I know it feels like your world is over. I am a woman like yourself and was 21 when I was diagnosed. I felt the same way - destined for failure in every way. I felt like I was actually dying.
The truth is, for me, in many ways I was. A part of me did die. I will never be the same as before. But another part of me was born - like a Phoenix who dies to experience rebirth from its own ashes.
It is so difficult to see over the trees right now -- but I can attest that you will find your way out of the forest. There is an end to it. You will be reborn and you will find strength you never knew you had.
There will be many difficult times when HIV will be lurking to kick you when you are down but alas you will get up. And each time you will be the better for it - and it will get easier.

Your desperation is normal but it will pass. I went on to have 2 more healthy children and have a long lasting relationship. You can too. You can do everything you wanted before - don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

God Bless

poz marie

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Reged: 02/02/11
Posts: 32
Re: Yesterday, My Life Changed Forever new
      #254145 - 02/02/11 06:03 AM

hey girl im a black male who tested pos nov 2010 we gotta stay strong we already deal with enough racism poverty and now hiv history tells us we've been beatin down for to long if our ancestors survied slavery we can survive this we as black people can over come this we are a very strong race trust me we will overcome this disease!

god bless hit me up if u need advice

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Reged: 02/02/11
Posts: 464
Loc: Thailand
Re: Yesterday, My Life Changed Forever new
      #254412 - 02/17/11 01:29 AM

Jackie is right, and thanks for helping me get my first laugh and smile in for the day! NeverLoved: you will be ok, as long as you stay on top of your health, be proactive in your treatment, diet and care, and stay happy.

It has been less than a month since my diagnosis, and I am trying to move forward and focus on getting meds going and living the best life I can. You will be ok - take care and PM me if you would like to talk!

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