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optimistic2009
New User

Reged: 07/28/09
Posts: 24
Why does it get harder!
      #247087 - 08/17/09 12:57 PM

Hi All
Its been just over a month since the diagnosis and I have been on a roller coaster of emotions! I have an exam coming in three weeks time and I can hardly focus on it. I am so scared to fail in this exam yet cannot study.

Today all day, I have been feeling so dead! I hate myself for my moment of weakness. I find myself going on the internet every 2 hours looking for HIV cure and there is'nt one yet!! there is hope but then I spoke to some doctors and they say there will be never a cure! we have the best treatment so get on with it.

There is so much recent cure news---is that all hopeless? I feel dead, lifeless and getting to the point where I feel like just ending it all. I know I won't as what's the point in doing that but then what's the point of living as well now?

I am so sorry for this message as it is so negative but I need to vent!!

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Jackie__Blue
Veteran

Reged: 01/20/07
Posts: 1186
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247093 - 08/17/09 07:56 PM

It comes and goes.

Right now I know I have to deal the mass depression that has settled over me. I'm tired of dealing with medications, doctors, insurance and just being HIV positive. Just walking away from it all and pretending I don't have to care is looking very attractive.

I've had better times and i hope to hell I get out of this mood, cause right now I just want to give up. I just don't care anymore.

But even with that, I stay with my studies and keep working toward a degree in Human Services so I can help people like you and me. I keep concentrating on getting the good grades cause there's always the chance that I won't off myself tommorrow and a degree might be handy.

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dean661
New User

Reged: 05/08/09
Posts: 19
Loc: California
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247098 - 08/18/09 12:05 AM

Hi optimistic you don't have to apologize for venting that's why this siite is so valuable. My diagnosis is almost four months old now and unlike your experience iwas dazed and confused at first. It feels like the depression part is just creeping in now.I think I know what Esmerelda and others have said, it comes and goes. If you are anything like me I think your studies will be a safe haven from being alone with your thoughts, I use my work. Keep studying if you can things will eventually become less scary and you will not always feel so defeated.you are in my thoughts...you too Esmerelda

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optimistic2009
New User

Reged: 07/28/09
Posts: 24
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247099 - 08/18/09 01:05 AM

Hi all

Thank you for your kind messages and I could'nt agree more that these are emtions we will go through for as long as we have this disease!

Yesterday was a really bad day but I did settle down towards the end of it. Feeling a lot better today and hopefully will stay like that. The way I look at it is that at least my future is something I control (partially) whereas my past is something I cannot do anything about.

Love to all

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Gene_CaliGuy
New User

Reged: 08/19/09
Posts: 1
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247107 - 08/19/09 08:24 PM

I understand exactly where you're coming from. I went through all the emotions when I was diagnosed. I received my diagnosis a little over 5 years ago.

Like you I spent a lot of time on the internet looking at different things. I wanted to educate myself. I felt ignorant, stupid, and just so confused.

I found myself a great specialist and decided to put my trust in him. He gave me some words of wisdom that I'll pass along to you. "Stay off the internet looking up information."

He explained to me that though the internet is full of informatino some of it is outdated or just not reliable. Then he pointed me to this site and said it was a great place to get the most up to date information and find some support so you don't feel so alone.

I can tell you it's tough to navigate those first few months of diagnosis. You'll go through the ups and downs of it all. You'll beat yourself up. You'll pick youself right back up. You'll dust yourself off and move forward.

Just know this -- what you're going through is NORMAL. We all go through it.

If there's anything I can do to help you, someone to listen to, someone to share experiences with, whatever, feel free to contact me.

Just hang in there, it gets easier in time. I promise!

Gene


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jersey_joe
New User

Reged: 04/27/09
Posts: 2
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247108 - 08/19/09 11:24 PM

wow. the experience never gets any easier. 22 years+ and I can remember "day 1" so vividly. love and forgiveness are key to getting over this first (huge) hump. it is no suprise that you are distracted, as this is a life-altering discovery. there are many paths to love and forgiveness; how connected are you with a positive support system? (pun intended) this is also a major relief to see that you are not alone, and to see/hear/watch others in the moment, sharing their own fears & successes. i will continue to watch for you to see how you develop. hugs and strength

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ruralguy
Member

Reged: 07/08/09
Posts: 27
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247110 - 08/20/09 08:37 AM

I'm only 6 or weeks into this. Now awaiting my second round of boold results and them most likely meds. The downs remain extreme, especially if I don't feel well in the morning. Earlier this week we (my ptr and I) spent a few days with our huge family (30 nieces and nephews) and I got a real lift out of the littlest kids. They were totally simling and playful and happy and they managed to completely distract me for hours. Just wonderful. But then again, I can just collapse in tears so easily which is soooo unlike me.

I mention all this because I agree that the net is great for making connections and seeking support in these forums, I also this there is so much old info that one can obsess over bad info if you are not careful.

Be sure to take some time to be nice to yourself. Buy an ice cream. Spend some time with a child. Anything that you felt was a treat before will be more special now.

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rainmountains
New User

Reged: 08/21/09
Posts: 2
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247125 - 08/21/09 02:06 PM

I know very much how you feel. I don't know how old you are, but it sounds like you're in college. I was 19 (almost 20) when I was diagnosed and the following semester I basically failed every class and almost got kicked out of school. All other priorities seem to fall by the wayside when you think you are going to die. Well, no one can make this go away, but a LOT of people can help you and WANT to help you. Counselors, friends, family, etc they will all understand and give you support. You really need to just keep kicking and try not to fall into depression for these first six months or so. Trust me, it gets a hell of a lot easier. Your life will never be the same, true, but hiv does give you a second chance to start living as healthy as you can. Now is a time for healing. You aren't going to die, and you probably aren't even sick yet... and the great thing is, once you do get sick, you start meds and then your immune system goes back to normal and you live like someone who doesn't have hiv. You will be fine for a very long time. Us younger people who have gotten hiv in the last couple years really can be confident that the treatment available to us in the future is going to be great and we'll be able to live into our 70s. So chin up! It's not the end of the world, its just a harsh blow and you will make it! A year from now you will feel completely different about the disease and who knows, you might even be able to laugh about it. I can

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optimistic2009
New User

Reged: 07/28/09
Posts: 24
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247131 - 08/22/09 01:59 PM

Hi All

Thank you so very much for your kind words and support. Indeed, everytime I breakdown, I come here to read what others are going through, to re-confirm that I am not going to die with it tomorrow and that its just like any other chronic infection!

They say, time is a great healer and I believe in time, this will be a bad dream especially if they come-up with a cure in our life times. There is so much money being poured into this, who knows the Houston doctors work, or the theory by Dr. Skaley or the italian doctors 'shock and kill' therapy might just work.

As for now, I am just going to try to work very hard to live a full life, pusue my career, start post-grad next year! These are things I can control/influence. My past I cannot.

Anyway, thank you so much and God bless you all.

Bluemountain I am 33.
x

Edited by optimistic2009 (08/22/09 02:00 PM)

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renevatio
New User

Reged: 07/25/09
Posts: 8
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247140 - 08/23/09 10:49 PM

optimistic-

I am much in your same situation. I am 36, and diagnosed on July 20.

I have dredged the very bottom of my being in the previous month. I am in the process of changing...everything. I am using this new challenge as a way to launch myself in new directions, do things I had only dreamed about...to reflect on my past path, and re-focus on where it is I want to truly be in the coming years.

Facing my mortality, for me, has been powerful to say the least.

Now, mind you, I still awake each morning, after too few hours of sleep, running through all the endless questions of "why?" and "why me?"...and weep. I am still in the midst of mourning the parts of me that I have lost, pieces of my "could have been" that I have no choice but to allow to die now.

But the detritus of that which is stripped away becomes the fertilizer for new growth in my life. Suddenly there is all kinds of space in my life made by everything that has been cleared out by this disease...

In all fairness, I have suffered a massive life-changing loss once before, just a mere 5 years ago, so I would imagine that this process of letting go gets easier each time you face such a tragedy. It is never ever what I would call easy, though.

Though nothing of great meaning in this world comes easy, eh?


My advice? Breathe, feel it all, weep, and then embrace the change. You will, I'm sure, one day look back on this experience and be thankful for all the lessons that were birthed here...all the strengths you uncovered in the process...and all the joys you may have never had otherwise known.


Hope I am not sounding to preachy, but maybe I need to hear all this myself.



Take care...


~R~

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bnagayguy
Member

Reged: 01/29/09
Posts: 25
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247413 - 09/02/09 01:21 PM

The point is....YOU CAN CHOOSE TO BE HERE AND LIVE -- NOT JUST EXIST -- BUT LIVE, DO and ACCOMPLISH something in spite of being poz!!

Being solely focused on one aspect of your life does nothing to help deal with that issue - in this case, HIV/AIDS. What you've shared is simply fear - nothing more, and, nothing less. With the intensity you're indicating, I would strongly urge you to get some counseling/ therapy, and fast!! Don't let your fear (of the unknown) overtake your life.

Your treatment provider might be able to help you locate a therapist. If not, check in with an AIDS service organization in your area; they can do all sorts of referrals and other things to make living with HIV/AIDS more manageable (check out http://directory.poz.com). Having a helping hand, especially when newly diagnosed, is a great blessing in this sometimes overwhelming world of HIV/AIDS.

You indicated you were studying for an exam. Don't let being poz be what brings you down to failure on your exam. I would urge you to become very combative with HIV/AIDS - don't let being poz undo all that you have worked so hard for - your time, energy (mental and physical), money, etc. Because you are poz doesn't mean your are incapable of being positive in thought, word and action. Being poz will, hopefully, allow you to see and do more than you ever thought you were capable of doing and/or being!!

Become confrontational with HIV/AIDS by learning how to live with HIV. Continue your studies and graduate; create a fitness/exercise routine for yourself (there is probably someone on staff at your recreation/fitness center who can help with this); learn about proper nutrition -- what will help you continue to live as a vibrant and healthy individual. Check out Nelson Vergel's and Michael Mooney's book "Built to Survive". It is full of great information on living successfully with HIV. Also, check out Louise Hays book "You Can Heal Your Life"; she has done unmeasurable good for thousands living with HIV/AIDS.

Learning you are poz is, indeed, a forever life-altering experience. Being poz, however, is no excuse to tolerate or accept less than what you are capable of doing and, more importantly, being!! Being poz does mean you have to rethink what you do and how you do things; it doesn't require you to just give up because you are poz. That - giving up - is your choice, based on your thoughts, words and actions (or lack thereof)!!

Life is most certainly worth living!! Again, the choice is yours: do you continue to do what you're doing - schooling, friends and family, work, travel, etc., or does being poz win out because your fear overtook your thoughts, words and actions? HIV cannot, and should not, be your demise; your own thoughts, words and actions (or lack thereof) will be your demise.

I was diagnosed poz over 20 years ago, which was usually a death sentence back then. And last year I nearly died because of illness (not HIV/AIDS) that went undetected for nearly 4 years. So, I have a pretty good idea of what being poz truly means.

Being poz does not mean you need to stop living; on the contrary, it's all the more reason to START LIVING!!

If you care to be in touch with me, feel free to hit me back.

I wish you a beautiful life and all the best. BE WELL!!



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MUCHI1
New User

Reged: 06/04/09
Posts: 2
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247439 - 09/03/09 06:28 PM

Hi I felt that way too for a long time but thank goodness I had family support and friends and now life is worth livin there is so much I want to do and I want to travel, get married, have babies and help others to get out of their depression and look ahead

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allangering
Member

Reged: 07/04/09
Posts: 46
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247503 - 09/10/09 07:16 AM

Sometimes my erection is extremely harder than normal. I don't take any pills and I don't make drastic changes to my diet. But on a few occasions, with the same woman obviously, the erection is SO GREAT that I wish I knew how to control it so I could do that all the time. Any theories?
______________________________
Click Here For Natural Genital Warts Cure

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JAGuar
New User

Reged: 09/14/09
Posts: 2
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247552 - 09/14/09 04:14 PM

Totally understood! I tested positive in May and have been all over the board emotionally ever since. But in the moments when I am most clear-headed, I know that things are gonna be fine. It's those moments of blinding fear that make me forget, though. There are no sure things, thus there will never be a time completely without worry. But that should be in the back of the mind. If the problem is not absolutely in your face this second, then try and forget about it for a time. I remind myself of this as often as I can. It has gotten easier

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Angel_Ronnie
Regular

Reged: 06/01/06
Posts: 256
Loc: Gauteng, South Africa
Re: Why does it get harder! new
      #247579 - 09/16/09 05:59 AM

bnagayguy has layed it out perfectly I couldn't have said it better if I tried. It is time to live life not only exist, I have done many things for myself which i wouldn't have dreamed of doing, consider doing I started therapy mpre than a year ago and in january of this year my therapist said that it would be a waste if we continue. Appreciate life and the people in your life but live your life as yours not to others expectations.

Only in time will it get better the emotions the tears but at the end it will be worth it it will make you even stronger as a person.

--------------------
"Live for today, because what you do today is what you use to make your future"

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