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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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optimistic2009
Member

Reged: 07/28/09
Posts: 24
I feel dead and have lost the will to live
      #246877 - 08/04/09 04:51 AM

Hi All,

I am sorry for posting such a depressing note here but I feel like I have lost the will to live and have no reason to pursue my career----I am only 33 and I feel like what is the point of any hardwork now!

even if there is a cure, which everyone keeps saying there is'nt going to be one, it would be in the next 5-10 years. Do I wait thatl long

HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS PLS

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ruralguy
Regular

Reged: 07/08/09
Posts: 27
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #246879 - 08/04/09 10:27 AM

How long have you been pos? I'm pretty new at this but it seems like managing the disease itself is not so awfully hard. Managing the mental health side of it is definitely harder, not letting HIV become your identity, for example. Ever have any mental health counseling? It seems easy to get stuck in a mental state where one is just overwhelmed by HIV but I also don't think you have to stay in that spot. One needs to find something else that is hugely interesting to you. I'm not expert but that is how I'm feeling about it.

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optimistic2009
Member

Reged: 07/28/09
Posts: 24
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #246882 - 08/04/09 12:16 PM

thanks rural. Its been about 4 weeks now; keep thinking how I have met myself down and got into this mess! I m seeking counselling and have already had 2 sessions as been crying non-stop!

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ruralguy
Regular

Reged: 07/08/09
Posts: 27
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #246897 - 08/05/09 07:25 AM

Well, with only 4 weeks behind you, we are in a similar place. I still cry - just did again this morning after a lousy night's sleep. But the crying is less frequent. And yep, it is all about feeling stupid, having let myself down, embarassed and, well, ashamed of myself. These feelings were on me every waking moment a few weeks back. They are still with me, for sure, but not 24 hours a day. Slowly I seem to be getting more stable again. Constantly beating yourself up eventually gets old (at least I hope so). Life will go on for decades, probably with a pill a day. Millions and millions do some pill everyday. Ours has baggage that others don't but otherwise it is pretty similar.

These days, I'm just waiting for another round of blood tests (Aug 17) then a doctor visit 2 weeks later, then probably one the meds. The meds do appear to work well with fewer side effects than the past. They push the virus way way down to undetectable levels and in doing so make you way less likely to transmit it to anyone else. And your CD4 should get good enough that you don't need to worry about catching wierd stuff. That's the path ahead. Now go do something nice for yourself today, anything you like.

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ruralguy
Regular

Reged: 07/08/09
Posts: 27
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #246898 - 08/05/09 08:28 AM

I read your other post that mentioned business school. You should definitely go. Why, I expect you will ask and I'd say because it will be interesting and engaging. There will be lots of new people there for social connections. Staying home crying is NOT a better idea. I went to business school and loved it. You will be kicking yourself again later if you decide not to do this.

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optimistic2009
Member

Reged: 07/28/09
Posts: 24
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #246900 - 08/05/09 09:10 AM

Thanks Rural---I was hysterical yesterday and had to be taken to the hospital --- but I am much better as back in the office and trying hard not to think about it. I guess this is something I am going to have to learn with and eventually it will learn to live with me!

I want to make a genuine effort to start life fresh again---I am only 33 and don't want to give up. As hard a lesson, I have surely woken up and want to look at life differently and change my past behaviors!
Read about a possible cure this morning

TRADITION — Scientists working with VGTI Florida know where HIV hides in the body.

Now, they hope Treasure Coast residents can help them create a cure for HIV and AIDS.

For the past 15 years, Rafick-Pierre Sékaly and his team of researchers have studied why the antiretroviral drugs that treat HIV and AIDS by stopping the human immunodeficiency virus from replicating do not rid the body completely of the disease. They found the virus hiding in memory T-cells critical to the immune system, a finding announced Monday and to be published next month in the journal Nature Medicine.

Sékaly said his position as scientific director of the Florida expansion of the Oregon Health & Science University’s Vaccine and Gene Therapy Institute will allow his team to try to turn that finding into drugs that could attack and eradicate HIV.

“We have lots of clues, and we have the competitive edge over a lot of other groups,” Sékaly said. “... I came here because I want to make a difference.”



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Dreamer76
Regular

Reged: 04/06/09
Posts: 38
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #246923 - 08/05/09 05:14 PM

Hi,

I`m 33 as well, diagnosed in Mar. I found those first few weeks so tough... i confided in a coulpe of close friends who were of great support, but i also wasted some days in bed crying feeling sorry for myself and very ashamed!! that just made things worse!! i`m trying now to hit the gym more, travel etc.. anything that keeps me busy and makes me feel good!!

I so agree with `ruralguy`. somedays i`m great and other days i feel overwhelmed by it all!! i`m considering seeing a thearpist too!!

In any case, my friends were so comprehensive.. nobody`s perfect and the majority of people have taken a few risks... we just got unlucky!! It`s not a nice situation to be in but it could be worse!!! you and i are still young, i intend to enjoy my life, there`s lots of great guys out there poz or not!! i`m sure you`ll meet someone soon and have the happiness you deserve!!
Be strong, ! i`m trying my best!!
Dreamer

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optimistic2009
Member

Reged: 07/28/09
Posts: 24
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #246934 - 08/06/09 07:23 AM

Hi Dreamer

Thank you so much for your message below which is certainly encouraging. I have sobbed enough over the last two weeks including being taken to the hospital as I was hysterical and angry for letting myself into this.

However, counselling and talking to other young career oriented people has made me realise that its not the death scentence that it used to be and I will carry on pursuin my dreams --- it has certainly been a harsh awakening but I am going to think of this as a wake-up call to change my behaviors and go back to being the person I used to be!

I certainly hope there is a cure in the near future and we can revert to being HIV free again. Lets hope and pray for the best.
xx

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PSWrandy
Member

Reged: 07/06/07
Posts: 23
Loc: wa, usa
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #246982 - 08/10/09 05:02 AM

It is not easy to get the bad news that you are HIV+. When i was told i did not expect it either and was quite upset, being told i had sero-converted. What made it worse for me i was already dealing with a severe depression and stress situation where i had already tried once to die. I had already been in the mental health hospital three times. When the diagnosis came through i just froze, like i could not believe what i heard. To be honest i was a total mess for an extremely long time and went through every turn and aspect to get help, whether it be groups, case manager, mental health help (which i could not get before the HIV diagnosis). I was in need of help and it had gotten to the point of also being homeless too. YES, like you i did a lot of crying and i even remember my mother calling me about some bank issue where i had over drawn my account, and have her yell at me iin the process. I was a wreck, no home, HIV+, mentally screwed up, and limited income. I needed help and i was lucky to have some guys that were willing to put me up for a short period of time. I got thrown out from one place to another, for 18 months. Life was no picnic, and all i wanted to do was die, and already made a promise to many people that i would not make any attempt again to do the dirty deed of closing out my life.

I am now 5 years into my HIV life and i can say doing quite well. I do not have friends, but i do have a life that i keep myself busy with that allows me to live and have a reason to live. Helping others like you makes it all worth the while. Your life is valuable and taking it and giving up is not the answer. I have been there and tried. If interested i will send you a copy of my poem i wrote called "Blindly Lost". I am now 55 and have a long life ahead of me as you do at 33. There is no reason why you cannot live a very normal life whether anyone knows that you are HIV+ or not. You need to look in the mirror and see that you are still the same person as you were before, and there is no stamp written all over your face that says HIV+. Give yourself time as you will get past the crying and allow yourself to live and know that it is done and that your life will go on just as if though nothing has changed. I do wish you well.

ENJOY YOUR LIFE.
write if you need to talk or vent, i am here for you.
randy

--------------------
Respectfully,
randy

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chevytexas
Regular

Reged: 06/19/08
Posts: 25
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #247014 - 08/11/09 11:22 PM

I sincerely hope that you're feeling a little more stable by now; it takes a huge amount of energy and time to absorb this sort of news.
I'm only replying to tell you some things that might help you put this in perspective. I, too, figured my life was over; I even visited a psychiatrist. His message: you wouldn't believe how many HIV+ folks take the news badly, spend their last dime on a last fling and live on, and on, and on.
Today, some 20 years later, that is humorous; I hope you will gain that perspective in time. I not only kept my job, but retrained myself and even found a management job that allows me to enjoy my work and participate in AIDS awareness there as a hardworking, knowledgable coworker.
I have been on aggressive medications but am currently on a more basic "middle-aged" regimen of worrying more about my cholesterol, nutrition and exercise as well as my gray hair, reitrement benefits, a grandchild and my teeth: in short, the "regular worries" you should have in Life.
Get a good immunologist, a support mechanism (friends, family, coworkers, HIV networks like this one) and Take Back Your Life. We all wish the best for you; I see you've gotten some feedback here and hopefully you've taken a deep breath. Yes, it is taking a long time for a cure; focus on the manageable in your life, and the goal of quality of life, not length --and --surprise!-- it could be 20 years later for you, too.

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elle
Newbie

Reged: 08/13/09
Posts: 3
Loc: Malaysia
hello there new
      #247029 - 08/13/09 03:07 AM

Why don't you start reading my blog www.livelifelikeyouweredying.blogspot.com to give you some motivation in life.

Trust me.. you will feel much better.. I hope.. Let me know if you do..

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Queenster
Newbie

Reged: 06/19/09
Posts: 7
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #247356 - 09/01/09 07:47 AM

Hey, guess you are fine now and have stop crying over split milk. I say so cos it doesn't help crying.

Have been diagnose two years now and started medications early this year. I started a year later cos I never wanted to accept my status but I never cried. All I could say at that time was " It can't be me God, how will I get marry, how will I make babies? Those were the thougts. I hear a voice saying be calm girl and move on you are not the only person out there and thank God, there's medications to keep you moving.

Initially, it was very terrible and awesome but keep fate and He who created you will be your guide. We all love you here on this Site and we will be much glad if you could stop crying and keep the fire burning.

All our love man...........keep moving forward and never give up.


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heal
Newbie

Reged: 05/07/10
Posts: 7
Re: I feel dead and have lost the will to live new
      #250249 - 05/07/10 10:02 AM

I study natural medicine and treat those who are infected, they have no symptoms and no count increase .
Dont be afraid I cant quote a cure to you I would put myself on the chopping block if i did ,but i will say this start with st johns wort it is a herb google it .I have been researching for 23 years try it

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