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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Anonymous
Unregistered

IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE
      #214529 - 11/15/06 07:02 AM

WELL .,HERE i AM AT 52....having survived the first and second waves of HIV as a gay man in NYC in 1975-1983..and find myself now...in 2006 facing this disease ...like you all are.. I am a hep c survivor...took that treatment and tolerated it well...and most say the HIV drugs arent as toxic....also am a big bear with excellent controlled diabetes....but feel as if DISEASE has knocked me down emotionally so many times now...that Im simply reeling...having dual reactions: classic hysteric freak out as if it were 1985 in Chelsea in NYC...2006 more sane, calmer reaction having knowledge of new classification of this illness as 'manageable" but still...a sad, sad mess of a successful man.....I am just so sad....feeling like sex was a game of roulette and I lost....I am an oral insertive top only.....sucked a little bit..but mostly was a mutual masturbator and top oral inserter..and I lost my spin at the roulette wheel finally.....I want not to be a drama queen or neurotic, and deal with this all calmly...but its damn hard.....Still am testing negative..with viral load of 1000 as of 4 weeks ago.......new blood draws will tell me next monday where cd4 count and viral load is now.....and Im anticipatory to say the least..have many wonderful role models...but is there anyone else out there who survived all the first second and third waves in their 20's 30's and 40's only to succumb finally in their 50's......???? Please respond to thtis thread.....Im an intelligent man..successful and formerly thriving even after hep c nightmare...who now feels stupid and enfeebled....I know time will help...but I am simply in shock!

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Fem
Newbie

Reged: 11/15/06
Posts: 2
Loc: California
Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214552 - 11/15/06 11:39 AM

Hi there,
Though I do not fit the bill for individuals you're wishing to hear from, I recently received my diagnosis and just want to send you some support and warm wishes. My specialist made a very simple statement to me when we first met last week: "You're still the same person, you're just living with a virus."

It's true. You're a successful person in your 50s who has lived an amazing life and you will conquer this just as you've conquered other things in your life. I wish you all the best and very good health.
+F

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coby
Grand Master

Reged: 04/01/06
Posts: 189
Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214564 - 11/15/06 02:14 PM

I'm puzzled how you can be testing negative! You do know that a viral load can be a false pos and your count is only 1000, I'm not so sure that you are positive. Did they do a western blot? Did you go thru ars? You say that all your exposures were low and you are testing negative still so what makes you think you are positive? It does not sound to me like you have HIV at all with all do respect.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214565 - 11/15/06 02:27 PM

Coby is right. PCR's are not approved for diagnosis because of their rate of false poistives. The only way you can be diagnosised with HIV is to have a postive ELISA and it MUST be confirmed with a Western Blot.


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214572 - 11/15/06 04:42 PM

well...I thought maybe i was getting a an indeterminate diagnosis when I talked to my GP...he said that i tested negative to antibody test....but I had approximately 1000 copies of virus in viral load test.....the infectious disease specialist said false negative was what i had.....cause enough time hadnt gone by to form the antibodies to test postivie...but that the viral load test was the follow up test to confirm diagnosis.....and that..having 1000 copies said I had VIRUS....even if not antibodies yet.......I deluded myself for three weeks while I waited for appointment at specialiast that maybe my 1000 copies were some sort of misleading anomaly...but my specialist basically said "you are HIV-positive" if you have virus.......monday when lots more blood tests come back...will tell more of the tale......I have lived with hep c virus (for 27 years without knowing it.,,until defeating it with treatment) .no symptoms there either!)..and have that toenail virus too...so Im obviously VIRAL.....and have lived with them before..and if I am positive..I will contiunue to live with them I guess......so shaken up by it all..yet having to live my life..make $$ etc...Im trying not to obsess!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214602 - 11/15/06 08:01 PM

Search the archives regarding PCR testing for diagnoses and you will find that a count of about 1000 is almost always a false pos. They say that cross contamination is the reason for such results. Prior viral fragments that are not completely dissolved from the testing unit can cause the next test to become pos. when it really is not. If you are outside the window period for antibodies, then you are Neg.
This is one of the major reasons that PCR IS NOT FDA approved for diagnoses of HIV!!


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214605 - 11/15/06 09:29 PM

Hi -- I was 44 when I was diagnosed (I'm 46 now)...I'd had a terrible year -- my mother died, my partner of 12 years and I separated and sold our house -- and I reacted by 'acting out'...move to SF, tried crystal meth, had (some) unsafe sex...the Paxil I was taking didn't help either, because it reduced all my inhibitions so much...Anyway, I've met several men in their 40s who've had similar experiences...We're sort of the 'mid-life crisis HIV' group, I guess...I'm sure there are plenty of other guys who are in their late 40's and 50's too...All I can say is that the meds are working great (my HIV is undetectable and my CD4 cells are increasing monthly); I feel lucky that I'm not resistant to any meds, so I'm taking Atripla...so just one pill before I go to bed each night, no big deal. Of course the emotional fall-out has been a big deal, but I have lots of good support. I hope the same is true for you. The most important thing to do is to reach out and ask for support, and I'm glad you did that here. Keep it up, be well. The latest research says that the average life span after diagnosis is 24 years (and that's the average...it could be longer), and there's likely to be many more medical treatment advances during the next 24 years. So I think you can look forward to growing to a ripe old age. Best of luck.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214609 - 11/15/06 10:03 PM

Ghezz are you going to a witch doctor?? A viral load rna/pcr test will often show < 1000 copies its simply the lower level of the test. If you are Neg on the anti body test and 6 weeks or more have past since your last exposure you are NEG. If you are indeed 52 and gay in NYC you should know this stuff.

Good luck on your up coming test results.

BTW what is an "oral insertive only"? Are you saying you only get a B/J and do not perform oral sex? If so how do you explain your status? Are you claiming to have become infected via insertive oral only?

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214630 - 11/16/06 05:41 AM

Hi, i understand so well, im 51 year old and got diagnosed a year ago, have been in the society for 34 years, lost many friends, have many close friends who has been hiv positiv for years and i thought i was living, doing sex safe , but then at a age of 51 i was in the game to, i handle it well so fare.
I relax on the thought that i have been unlucky, i have had many thoughts about how could this happen in my age with all my knowlegde, but we are only humans and humans do mistakes, so i do my best to live a healthy happy life with this diagnose as a litle as possible part of my life, we are so much more then a virus, so focus on that, i do and i have wonderfull days and times with my friends and with my self..
There will be days when its difficult and that would happen what ever kind of life we live.
My way to deal with it has been seeking groups with hiv+ people and meeting people living with hiv+ and that give you strenght and make you cope better with your thoughts and feelings, joining a selfhelp group can be very good for many people.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214633 - 11/16/06 06:03 AM

I feel like you do. I'm 51years old and tested positive. I too, am intelligent, I work in a hospital, I have 2 college degrees, and I certainly know all the hiv prevention methods out there. I met a guy and after our 3rd date, he wanted me to perform oral sex on him. He assured me he was hiv negative. What did I do? I did what he asked. That's all I did. About a month later I got really sick and my family doctor thought I had gastroenteritis. I started losing weight really fast so 6 months later we decided to do an hiv test just to make sure. I tested positive. I was in total shock and denial and felt like my life was over. How could someone get hiv from one blowjob. I felt like you do. I felt very stupid, I blamed myself over and over again, I couldn't believe someone with my knowledge could let this happen. I feel different and alienated from my friends, I see everyone around me as hiv negative and think I'm the only one that has hiv. I'm afraid to get involved in relationships, I'm just simply afraid of "living". I still have refused to accept this disease. I fight it everyday of my life mentally and it does take a toll on my life. When I look in the mirror, I want to grab myself and beat myself up for being so stupid for letting this happen. I wish so much I could go back in time and change that night, but I can't. I don't know what to tell you, all I can say is don't give up on yourself, don't let this stupid virus win, and know that there are other people who feel like you do. I'm one of those people. I plan to be the viruses worse nightmare inside my body. I won't let it beat me and I won't let it hurt anyone else. I have it contained and I'm watching every move it makes. I've put them in my own personal prison and that's where they will remain...there is no possibily of parole...they will die here. When a cure is found (and a cure will be found because we're smarter that the virus), they will be executed, there will be no more trials.
This is how I deal with my disease...it's all I have to survive. You have to find your way of coping...don't let it beat you!

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214666 - 11/16/06 12:53 PM

are you sure you got hiv from receptive oral sex???

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214707 - 11/16/06 10:01 PM

I completely relate to what you shared and appreciate your sharing it. I was diagnosed as poz in February of last year at the age of 50. Somehow, having been tested more or less every 6 months for the past 20 years, I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I generally had been careful. I guess the key word there is "generally." It does get easier as I'm sure you've heard before. But, I still have moments of disbelief and discouragement but, overall, I accept that I cannot change the diagnosis but I can change how I live my life. Good luck to you.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214743 - 11/17/06 06:37 AM

just one rquest...
get tested again, this time WB test. you do not sound at all as a person at risk, and you have not been comfim as HIV POZ. take even the rapid test, 20 minutes and you will know for sure if you are really poz, which i doubt it 100%.

give yourself some time, window period, then take the test, and let us know the result...the transmission by BJ, giving or recieving has been ruled out many time as a completely high risk, and one few cases has been really documented as authentic transmission...this is very comfusing for many...

so, please take the test again, and let us know.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214753 - 11/17/06 07:50 AM

I did get tested again last onday..and bloodwork results will be back and hopefully tell the tale...I tried to write back last night and mention that I did have a discussion woth my infectious disease specialist and asked if I had any reason to have hope that I was still negative and he said yes...My actual viral load count was something like 1326..with negative result to antibody test....Im not sure if hes doing western blot..he seems to have a wait and see..well check bloodwork again in 3 months.....as my exposure probably came last 2 weeks in August..and its just too soon? I am so confused about all the tests..although the poster who scolded me for not knowing enough is partly right, but I never needed to know more...I always tested negative...for almost 30 years...so iddint dwell or explore all the errant data..false positicves and negatives...etc...I am on the case however and thank most of you for your kind words..that one poster irritated me! not what i eeded in this surreal mode Im in......

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: IN THE THROWS OF A RECENT DIAGNOSIS OF POSITIVE new
      #214819 - 11/17/06 05:48 PM

Throes. The word is "throes."

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