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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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AloneintheDark
New User

Reged: 08/16/06
Posts: 2
Loc: Los Angeles
Alone and Afraid
      #203720 - 08/16/06 02:35 PM

I just got my scarlet letter about 10 days ago...I'll never forget the moment I was being told at the clinic of my new status, my eyes refusing to look the clinic worker in the eye...I looked downward..afraid to see the truth in his eyes, this isn't happening..no this is some bad dream..there's a mistake..my eyes blurry..unfocused, blankly staring suddenly became crystal clear and focused on the medical chart sitting on this messenger of bad news' desk...he was talking..at least I think he was..but I never really heard anything past the word positive..that was my medical chart on his desk..stamped in huge block letters in several places POSITIVE. That was the begining...a new chapter...the last chapter? I don't feel any different and I feel totally different at the same time. I'm not sick..I just went in for my regular 3 to 4 month std/hiv check. I went for blood work a couple days later...I was terrified. The Doctor must have sensed it...hmmm I'm guessing even someone in a coma could have sensed it..gave me a couple pills for anxiety...I don't have the results back yet. I can't function...can't think of anything else...I cry a lot...I feel like I'm spiraling down into an endless black hole. I find myself without many friends...when did that happen? I wasn't paying attention when friends moved away, died...lost touch with...the last few years I've been consumed with work and flying back east to care for my elderly parents. I told an ex of mine and a couple of friends...or the closest thing I have to a friend...all were supportive...but everyone is busy with their own lives and problems...I never felt more alone in my life than I do now...I feel so overwhelmed.

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ai77
Member

Reged: 04/12/06
Posts: 62
Loc: California
Re: Alone and Afraid new
      #203733 - 08/16/06 04:56 PM

Hey there - Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I was exactly where you are a few months ago. You ARE NOT ALONE. Crying a lot, the mental "fog" and shock, feeling overwhelmed are all really common. It WILL get better. It's good you found your way here. This is a great place to be. Here are some other things that have also worked for me:

1) Calling a hotline.
Did it twice, once when I had just been diagnosed and didn't know what to do next, once when I found out my ex-bf had died of an AIDS-related infection. Felt weird at the time, but am glad I called both times. They can offer you emotional support plus let you know about resources that are available to you.

2) Getting hooked up with my local ASO
ASOs often offer or know of support groups that you can join. Meeting positive people face-to-face who are living truly good and productive lives and have been doing so for a long time has quite possibly been the biggest factor in me realizing and deciding that I can do it too. Some ASOs also offer mental health sessions.

It sounds like this has been a big wake-up call for you in terms of realizing who's still around in your circle of friends. You have the oportunity to reconnect with people and also to make new friends, both in and out of the poz community.

Hope this helps a little.


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polywog
Member

Reged: 07/30/06
Posts: 79
Loc: toronto
Re: Alone and Afraid new
      #203738 - 08/16/06 05:13 PM

Alone, realize that everyone on here can understand exactly how you feel - when i got my +ve status in march, I was exactly the same, I can't even remember the conversation I had with my dr., and i was in his office for over an hour, all i could hear was POSITIVE. What helps one of us may not help another and each of us can only try to help you by giving 1st hand advice that works for us. Many of us ,months later, are still in disbelief, still are depressed, worried, consumed, feeling helpless. I promise you things will get better - there is a way to find encouragement - 1st of all, learn to take care of yourself, physically, nutrionally and emotionally. The outlook for HIV is not bleak like it was years ago. People live a long long time with fewer symptoms than ever, and new meds are constantly being introduced to combat HIV - the exact words my doc told me were "you will live out your normal life span"....of course we'll need meds, but you WILL LIVE - nobody wants this, the stigma is AWFUL - but no one has to know unless you want them to (except your sexual partners). Take your time and do some research into your prognosis, and you will find that this is a mental roller coaster, take care of yourself and stay healthy and you will LIVE>

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Alone and Afraid new
      #203758 - 08/16/06 07:04 PM

You are not alone. I feel everything you are feeling. I found out I was positive three months ago. Still trying to wrap my thoughts around it. Glad you were able to tell some close friends. I wish you hope.

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Jenni
Regular

Reged: 11/06/05
Posts: 149
Loc: Texas, USA
Re: Alone and Afraid new
      #203767 - 08/16/06 07:38 PM

You are not alone here. We may not be physically there for you, but anytime you need to vent we are all here to listen and give advice when needed.

Welcome to TheBody!!

--------------------
It's you that I live for and for you that I die.
So I'll lay here with you until the final goodbye

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Hopeneverdies
Unregistered

Re: Alone and Afraid new
      #203774 - 08/16/06 08:40 PM

Do not be afraid, u r not alone. I know how difficult it is to recieve such a diagnosis, but remember, it is not the end, its is the BEGINING of a new chapter in ur life, filled with hope, accomplishment and happiness. the only difference is u have to take care of urself more both physically and mentally, u will be fine and trust me, after 25 years of research and knowledge, I see a cure coming in the near future, that is something worth hanging on to while taking care of ur health, it will take time to adjust, but i will adjust, take it easy on urself, join a support group and dont let the depression beat u, be well and stay well my friend.. :)

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Alone and Afraid new
      #203775 - 08/16/06 08:42 PM

i meant to say *but u will adjust

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AloneintheDark
New User

Reged: 08/16/06
Posts: 2
Loc: Los Angeles
Re: Alone and Afraid new
      #203926 - 08/18/06 06:38 AM

Thanks for all your encouraging words...they carry more weight than you know...hmmm what am I saying, I guess you do know...and I guess that's why I'm here. Being able to vent and talk with people who really do know how I feel. Late at nite is the worst time for me...I can't sleep...I keep thinking about 'IT' over and over and round and round. Funny how all my huge problems that I use to think were huge have suddenly all become rather small and not worthy of the amount of worry I use to give them. I worried that I don't have any insurance and would never be able to afford medication when I someday will need it. I applied for ADAP..not sure what it stands for but I know what it means to me..hope, when I had so very little and access to medication and medical services that can provide a chance at life. It also affords me to seek mental health guidance at a time when I've never felt more crazy and more in need of it. I can be thankful and see these as the true gifts of life that they are. So very many with HIV in the world go to bed tonight with those very heavy burdens weighing deeply on them...I pray that burden will be lifted from them as well. So tonite I'm thankful and that much stronger..it's with these thoughs I say goodnite...and it's with these thoughts I shall tackle tomorrow.

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alivehoping
Veteran

Reged: 04/05/06
Posts: 655
Re: Alone and Afraid new
      #203937 - 08/18/06 09:33 AM

the questions of when where and how arent relitive anymore to your status,what is relitive is to get the help you need and talk with someone you can trust,with knowledge of hiv.stress can be an enemy to your health,and eating right and remaining health consious is the most important things now,you will soon see the gloom disapate and things do get better with time.as you know your not alone,here were all in the same perverbial boat,and there are some here who have been positive a long time so find information,that will help you learn more to deal with your new challenge in life.hope this helps you,take care

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max66
New User

Reged: 07/25/06
Posts: 12
Loc: Arizona
Re: Alone and Afraid new
      #204273 - 08/21/06 02:09 PM

I read your post and thought what a gift for writting you have. I cried after I read what you had written. I've felt those feelings, as I'm sure many here have, and I just wanted you to know how supportive people here have been for me and can be for you too. Although we are seperated by distance we are connected to each other here. Peace.

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