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JakeLA
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Reged: 05/07/06
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Posts: 1
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Total Top No Longer Fooling Himself
#190068 - 05/07/06 12:30 PM
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I was more than taken aback when I learned 4/4/06 the DNA HIV test I had taken two days prior had come back positive. I am 29, bi but mostly gay, white male with a graduate degree and a voracious sexual appetite, who is now experiencing IRONY at its most potent.
I read several books a week, subscribe to the NY Times, the LA Times, The Guardian, Harpers, The Atlantic Monthly, Salon, and I couldn't live without NPR Radio. Despite these sources and their enormous contributions to human knowledge and my own, part of my rational brain, the part that concerns itself with evaluating risks and other such details, must have overlooked the wealth of data I have been consuming for the past 15 years. I'm a total top who has never been fucked- no, really! Never have been and don't anticipate doing it anytime soon. I had read the pamphlets warning top of their risks to HIV exposure and I have read academic journal articles concerned with the same. I have even engaged HIV testing care workers in lengthy discussions on the topic. These sometimes turned into debates. I get tested every three months or so and was last tested a month and a half prior to the positive-result test. That test was the blotter test. It took only 15 minutes and I left the clinic with my negative result and with the same confidence I had had as I entered. Three days ago, however, my confidence seemed to have been due a big reality check. Tops, who never ever ever bottom, and who now and again have unprotected sex with HIV positive persons, are DEFINITELY at risk of contracting HIV. So who cares that for 12 years of fucking the same way, sometimes safe, sometimes not, I had consistently tested negative. Odds are, at some point that risk we fool ourselves into believing is minor or highly unlikely, will at some point rear its illusion-shattering head.
Am I angry? Yes, mostly for allowing my cock and its urges to drown out perfectly logical and rational information. In most other areas, I would say I am almost too rational and realistic. Am I sad? No, but I anticipate some sadness to come. Right now, I am confused by my lack of an emotional response- my mood seems to be the same as it was before I knew. Mostly, I am embarrassed for proving an old cliché- that men really do think with their pricks.
So, Top Men- You are at risk- Condoms truly suck, but what sucks more in the obligatory HIV STATUS DISCLOSURE "Talk" you will be forced to endure before every sexual encounter with a new partner. Yeah, that fucking sucks a lot more.
Protect your prick!
Foolish Top
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Survivor
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Legend
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Reged: 10/30/05
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Posts: 3256
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Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
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Jake, I am truly sorry to here about your diagnosis. It does "F... Suck". Your post speaks from the heart and I appreciate that.... Top's or Bottom's welcome here. I know this virus knows how to circumvent the smartest of peoples. And human nature, that need for human companionship (male or femail) in sex gets us everytime or at least, some of the time. I know you are just exorbing all of this and a wealth of emotion is about to hit you. Don't try and over analyze to much. Water under the bridge. Knowing your mental abilities you will handle this appropriately with getting a ID Doc and start evaluating your status related to Cd4 and vl counts and percentages. Never look back and always move forward with this. Keep reading your journals and stay on "top" or "bottom" of the game. You will do well if you put as much effort into hiv as you did in your academia.
Welcome to thebody and keep posting!
Best
Edited by EricCO (05/07/06 02:55 PM)
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Bear60
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Legend
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Reged: 12/21/05
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Posts: 1390
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Hi Jake..... I second what Eric says. Hope to see more of you here.
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6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia
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we have similar cases, when it comes to sexual apetite and preference, will be nice to exchange emails addy. i can email you my situations and stories...
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I am or was in exactly the same situation. Bi male excluse TOP, started using condoms less and less as I convinced myself you couldn't get HIV that way or the odds were too incredible. Then I got a positive test. Despite a voracious appetite like yours I can't bring myself to have "that" discussion with a potential bottom partner and be rejected, so I have sworn off relations for a while and it's rough. This has been for the last few months so not sure where I'm going with all this. Luckily my labs are good and VL is low. So, anyone reading this, You CAN get HIV as a top, and dont' believe the statistics, it happens more commonly that realized.
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Top here too. always use condoms, actually i dounle them, i checked them after i am done, sometimes filling them up with water. never notice any breaks, or leaks. I am concern of the other ascpect of it, lik the fluids and secretions geting into any tinyy cuts you may have on the penis base. will that be possible?
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AIDS2HIV
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Legend
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Reged: 12/19/05
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just to let you know....double a condom can actually cause breakage, use one latex or polyurethane condom PROPERLY, and you will be 100% safe.
Always use waterbased lubricants, and always use latex or polyurethane condoms. Condoms manufactured in japan are actually the best, as they are ran through the most thorough inspections and tests, before being released to the public*
Be sure to pinch the tip of the condom,expelling the air-pocket out of the tip before you put the condom on, and roll it down over you. The most commen contributers to condom breakage are air pockets, lack of sufficiant amount of water based lubricants, or the combination of the two.
where does doubling condoms fall into the equation? doubling a condom provides airpockets both between both : the two layers of condoms, and also between the first condom and your skin. doubling condoms, is comparable to russian roullette, you may get lucky a few times, but that luck wont last long....
In closing, never use an Oil-based/petroleum based lubricant, as they will weaken and break down the latex/polyurethane compounds, inviting breakage, and drastically increases the chances of breakage*
Some will say condoms arent 100%, however studies have proven, that when used PROPERLY, condoms do have 100% rating. Its sad that they post the stats that factor in incorrect use, when determining reliabilty ratings*
and dont forget, your responsibility doesnt end when the condom is rolled down, it only takes a fraction of a second to check and make sure the condom is staying in place,etc....
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Bear, do you know if we should do anything special around the top part near the serial number? (I'm assuming you've rolled your down far enough to see it. Ha! Ha!)
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MiamiLat
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Guardian
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Reged: 12/30/05
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Posts: 396
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Loc: Miami, FL
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Jake,
I am sorry to hear about your diagnosis, I too have been under the same predicament. In my case, it looks like I've "dodged the bullet". I'm waiting to test at 6 mos post exposure during the 1st week in June.
Thanks for this post, and for raising awareness on this issue...
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"Education, prevention, awareness, research, and support"
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Good advice! I can definately attest to the fact...my ex was diagnosed positive 7 months ago. Like many, he was a top all is life...practicing safe and unsafe sex. Although his situation is grave thats just the way it is
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I was a 22 year old virgin, i did it with the coolest guy at varsity, without a condom.
I waited and now it seems all I was waiting for was to test positive.
I too thought it would never be me because i was so causious!this really is all our problem!
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jenn
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Guardian
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Reged: 09/14/05
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Posts: 325
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I have what is known in war as "survivor's guilt" -except with HIV. I have done far riskier than you and feel so bad for people that didn't have the same random luck I have had. Don't blame yourself for being human. So much of HIV is random. You sound like an educated wonderful person and nothing has changed.
Jenn
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SteveR
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Legend
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Reged: 07/19/05
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Posts: 576
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Jake,
I don't dispute anything you said -- tops certainly are at risk. But I see that your positive test was HIV DNA by PCR. DId you confirm that test with an ELISA and Western Blot? I don't want to give you false hope, but an HIV PCR by itself is not sufficient for diagnosing HIV infection because it can occasionally be falsely positive.
Steve
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My situation to a tee! Always top and thought I was safe! It worked for 10 years. I guess the odds finally caught up with me. Now I'm asking myself if the sex was worth it.... of course it wasn't. Sex is so fleeting. But I'm still horny all of the time and wanna have wild anonymous sex just like before! And now I've got to tell my partner (who I would be very surprised if he's positive-we haven't fucked in years). That's the hardest part. Oh by the way dear, I've been fooling around on the side and now I'm HIV positive. Oh shit!
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i am a little comfused...
i am also a top. i only been bottom a few time only with my BF after been tested negative. i am in a new relationship where i am the top, and we barely havee sex. i will say every 5 months or so. i know sounds weird, but i do love this person, sex is not there. so, i have engage in annonymous sex with people from the internet, bath houses, and clubs. in all of this i have not allowed myself to perform oral sex on them, and only have allow oral sex on me if i have seen the person more than 5 times, and i feel comfortable with it. in all the occasions i have wear condoms. sometimes more than one, and always have check tem for ropture.
will that put me at the same odds that everone are talking in here?
just comfused, thanks for your opinions.
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