Advertisement
The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol

HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

Pages: 1
SA_Intellect
Regular

Reged: 03/27/06
Posts: 247
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
Re: Playing the waiting game
      #187937 - 04/25/06 08:03 PM

Yes, it's me again. I still can't believe I have this illness. It's still SO hard to accept. Thank God for my VERY loving family and friends. I wouldn't have the will to keep living if it weren't for them.

I am still waiting on my geno/pheno results and IT SUCKS! I hate this stupid waiting game. It's been two weeks since I got the blood drawn and the results haven't come back yet, so I still can't see the infectious disease doctor. I am on the verge of a panic attack!! But to be fair, they did tell me that it would be 2-3 weeks before I got the results.

The nurse at the office is wonderful. I talk to her on the phone every other day to complain and she's very understanding. I am still very scared and it's still so hard to believe that I'll likely have to live with this for the rest of my life (unless they discover a breakthrough. i am VERY hopeful for that).

I still feel very guilty that I allowed this to happen. A plumber today at work was talking to me because he and his co-workers have seen me before at the job (I'm new) and he joked that I looked like a model. And I thought, if you only knew HIV. I feel like that negates every desirable aspect about me.

Since I haven't been seen by the doctor yet, I attribute every ache and pain to HIV and I don't know how to separate what's my imagination, what's anxiety and what's the actual illness.

Since I just started my new job, I am going to have to deal with pre-existing condition BS with my insurance, though the diagnosis actually came after my coverage began. I also had individual coverage for more than a year before my coverage began, so they can't apply that to me. But still, it reminds me that now I am "unhealthy." Imagine that. I'm 28, exercise 5 times a week, eat healthy, I floss, I have never smoked and in one day I go from being a picture of health to very sick. That's so hard to accept.

This is all still an emotional rollercoaster. Last weekend I was feeling more positive now I am down again. The city Health Department contacted me wanting to know how I got the virus bla bla bla. I respect that they are doing that but it's still another reminder that I have HIV. I just want to forget that it's there.

Unlike most people, I am looking forward to taking medication. I want to feel like I am being proactive and getting this thing under control. I want to know that I am doing what I need to live a normal life. I feel like this virus has destroyed my identity, that it's completely
changed the way I see myself.

I'm still having a hard time sleeping at night. I have to use sleeping pills now despite that I am quite tired when I go to bed. My every thought revolves around this illness. I feel sometimes like it's consuming me. I just want to see the doctor already and hear her tell me that my prognosis is excellent.

I pray now for strength and guidance. In several ways before and after I found out I have HIV things have been going my way. Things have set themselves up for me to be able to deal with this. It's strange but I find strength in believing someone upstairs is looking out for me and that maybe this HIV was a way of telling me to get my life straight and focus on what's really important.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Choosing2Liv
Veteran

Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #187998 - 04/26/06 09:22 AM

[quote] It's strange but I find strength in believing someone upstairs is looking out for me and that maybe this HIV was a way of telling me to get my life straight and focus on what's really important. [/quote]

Hey man, your last statement encapsules many of our lives. Hang in there, and continue believing that a Power much greater than ours has bigger plans for us.

Keep in touch!
-Gary

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188016 - 04/26/06 11:05 AM

hi SA

One thing i have learnt from posts like this one of yours, is how much your messages provide strength to everyone who reads them. yes, we all feel bad at each other's misfortunes, and sometimes envy the other lucky ones and wonder why it was me who lost out on a bit of luck.

However, as you say, there are things that are important in our lives, and we should not let this change because of our hiv status. as many have mentioned, it is like living with diabetes or any other illness that is yet to be cured. and it does not bring an end to life, at least not in the way one can die in an accident or from a serious illness. so, we have to carry on, support each other when times are difficult, enjoy the company of our loved ones like we always used to, and not let the virus win so easily.

it is easy to say all this, i know, but we still need to say this and hope that we can achieve what we want to.

you are lucky that you have a loving family. think of some of us who are alone, and without money to afford all the treatment, without insurance and without anyone to love or be loved.

Cheer up, mate you will do absolutely fine. there is a life ahead. with some luck, we might even get a cure in our lifetime...many others did not have that chance either.

stay well.

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Bear60
Veteran

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188049 - 04/26/06 01:16 PM

SA.....
The grieving process takes a couple of years...yes... greiving. You are greiving the FORMER life you knew. Its different now and you have HIV. It takes time my friend.

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Survivor
Veteran

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188162 - 04/26/06 11:05 PM

Just a few questions to put this into perspective SA...
Why do you think you are different?
What can you not do now that you did 2 months ago?

Head games my friend, head games. This is where you need to focus your efforts. I am right with you on this one. I want to be clear of this mindless wonder and waste of my time.. If it pops up in your head, you have failed. Work on how you are going to put this to the back of living and get living.... But, yeah, it will probably take us a bit of time...

Love to You..

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
dj1979
Regular

Reged: 03/02/06
Posts: 276
Loc: rural upstate NY
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188290 - 04/27/06 03:57 PM

Yes, you have HIV and that sucks. It would suck if you had cancer, if you had a stroke, if you got hit by a car, etc. We just have to deal with the hand that is dealt to us!! Once you get past the ARS at early exposure, there are no "symptoms" of HIV infection, until much later on when opportunistic infections occur due to a failing immune system. The waiting game is hard, but this is your time to take care of YOU - eat healthy, keep stress down, get enough exercise & rest. That's what my doctor's advice was to me. I have to go every 3 months & have labwork done, but other than that, there's nothing to "DO" about this disease. Yeah, I tried beating myself up over the fact that I had an affair and "let" myself get HIV - but everyone here kicked my butt, and I got over it (pretty much, anyway).

It IS hard to accept HIV - imagine if it were easy? You didn't go from being a "picture of health to being very sick" - you simply are HIV positive. Your immune system determines what happens from here. I'm hopeful that mine will kick the virus' ass and keep me going for many years. I'm almost 45, and my doctor says that since I got the virus so "late in life" (nice way to say I'm old - thanks doc!) it is much more likely that I will die of something unrelated to HIV.

Are you hooked up with counselling, perhaps through your local ASO? It would probably be very beneficial to you. I'm starting that myself. I'm still struggling at times, after all it's only been about 6 weeks since the definitive diagnosis. My viral load was 43,000, and CD4 of 569, so I don't need medication yet.

Hang in there, keep coming here - and remember that you are NOT "very sick" - you've been exposed to HIV, not the plague!

(Oh - and don't forget to use condoms!!! I hate that part!!)

--Donna


Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Playing the waiting game *DELETED* new
      #188316 - 04/27/06 06:55 PM

Post deleted by TheBody

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Survivor
Veteran

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188324 - 04/27/06 08:14 PM

A.C.C.E.P.T.A.N.C.E is the key... Get on with it! You have my phone number remember...

Love

Eric

Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
AIDS2HIV
Unregistered

Post deleted by Becky new
      #188505 - 04/28/06 05:29 PM



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188546 - 04/28/06 10:52 PM

As if a silly monicker like AIDS2HIV I(which isn't technically possible, anyway) tells everyone who you really are. If you are so out, post your full name here.



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1


What's New at TheBody.com

Additional Information
0 registered and 1 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, crabman, riverprincess 

Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 7445

 
Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

*
UBB.threads™ 6.2.3