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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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SA_Intellect
Guru

Reged: 03/27/06
Posts: 247
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
Re: Playing the waiting game
      #187937 - 04/25/06 08:03 PM

Yes, it's me again. I still can't believe I have this illness. It's still SO hard to accept. Thank God for my VERY loving family and friends. I wouldn't have the will to keep living if it weren't for them.

I am still waiting on my geno/pheno results and IT SUCKS! I hate this stupid waiting game. It's been two weeks since I got the blood drawn and the results haven't come back yet, so I still can't see the infectious disease doctor. I am on the verge of a panic attack!! But to be fair, they did tell me that it would be 2-3 weeks before I got the results.

The nurse at the office is wonderful. I talk to her on the phone every other day to complain and she's very understanding. I am still very scared and it's still so hard to believe that I'll likely have to live with this for the rest of my life (unless they discover a breakthrough. i am VERY hopeful for that).

I still feel very guilty that I allowed this to happen. A plumber today at work was talking to me because he and his co-workers have seen me before at the job (I'm new) and he joked that I looked like a model. And I thought, if you only knew HIV. I feel like that negates every desirable aspect about me.

Since I haven't been seen by the doctor yet, I attribute every ache and pain to HIV and I don't know how to separate what's my imagination, what's anxiety and what's the actual illness.

Since I just started my new job, I am going to have to deal with pre-existing condition BS with my insurance, though the diagnosis actually came after my coverage began. I also had individual coverage for more than a year before my coverage began, so they can't apply that to me. But still, it reminds me that now I am "unhealthy." Imagine that. I'm 28, exercise 5 times a week, eat healthy, I floss, I have never smoked and in one day I go from being a picture of health to very sick. That's so hard to accept.

This is all still an emotional rollercoaster. Last weekend I was feeling more positive now I am down again. The city Health Department contacted me wanting to know how I got the virus bla bla bla. I respect that they are doing that but it's still another reminder that I have HIV. I just want to forget that it's there.

Unlike most people, I am looking forward to taking medication. I want to feel like I am being proactive and getting this thing under control. I want to know that I am doing what I need to live a normal life. I feel like this virus has destroyed my identity, that it's completely
changed the way I see myself.

I'm still having a hard time sleeping at night. I have to use sleeping pills now despite that I am quite tired when I go to bed. My every thought revolves around this illness. I feel sometimes like it's consuming me. I just want to see the doctor already and hear her tell me that my prognosis is excellent.

I pray now for strength and guidance. In several ways before and after I found out I have HIV things have been going my way. Things have set themselves up for me to be able to deal with this. It's strange but I find strength in believing someone upstairs is looking out for me and that maybe this HIV was a way of telling me to get my life straight and focus on what's really important.

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Choosing2Liv
Legend

Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #187998 - 04/26/06 09:22 AM

[quote] It's strange but I find strength in believing someone upstairs is looking out for me and that maybe this HIV was a way of telling me to get my life straight and focus on what's really important. [/quote]

Hey man, your last statement encapsules many of our lives. Hang in there, and continue believing that a Power much greater than ours has bigger plans for us.

Keep in touch!
-Gary

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188016 - 04/26/06 11:05 AM

hi SA

One thing i have learnt from posts like this one of yours, is how much your messages provide strength to everyone who reads them. yes, we all feel bad at each other's misfortunes, and sometimes envy the other lucky ones and wonder why it was me who lost out on a bit of luck.

However, as you say, there are things that are important in our lives, and we should not let this change because of our hiv status. as many have mentioned, it is like living with diabetes or any other illness that is yet to be cured. and it does not bring an end to life, at least not in the way one can die in an accident or from a serious illness. so, we have to carry on, support each other when times are difficult, enjoy the company of our loved ones like we always used to, and not let the virus win so easily.

it is easy to say all this, i know, but we still need to say this and hope that we can achieve what we want to.

you are lucky that you have a loving family. think of some of us who are alone, and without money to afford all the treatment, without insurance and without anyone to love or be loved.

Cheer up, mate you will do absolutely fine. there is a life ahead. with some luck, we might even get a cure in our lifetime...many others did not have that chance either.

stay well.

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188049 - 04/26/06 01:16 PM

SA.....
The grieving process takes a couple of years...yes... greiving. You are greiving the FORMER life you knew. Its different now and you have HIV. It takes time my friend.

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188162 - 04/26/06 11:05 PM

Just a few questions to put this into perspective SA...
Why do you think you are different?
What can you not do now that you did 2 months ago?

Head games my friend, head games. This is where you need to focus your efforts. I am right with you on this one. I want to be clear of this mindless wonder and waste of my time.. If it pops up in your head, you have failed. Work on how you are going to put this to the back of living and get living.... But, yeah, it will probably take us a bit of time...

Love to You..

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dj1979
Guru

Reged: 03/02/06
Posts: 276
Loc: rural upstate NY
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188290 - 04/27/06 03:57 PM

Yes, you have HIV and that sucks. It would suck if you had cancer, if you had a stroke, if you got hit by a car, etc. We just have to deal with the hand that is dealt to us!! Once you get past the ARS at early exposure, there are no "symptoms" of HIV infection, until much later on when opportunistic infections occur due to a failing immune system. The waiting game is hard, but this is your time to take care of YOU - eat healthy, keep stress down, get enough exercise & rest. That's what my doctor's advice was to me. I have to go every 3 months & have labwork done, but other than that, there's nothing to "DO" about this disease. Yeah, I tried beating myself up over the fact that I had an affair and "let" myself get HIV - but everyone here kicked my butt, and I got over it (pretty much, anyway).

It IS hard to accept HIV - imagine if it were easy? You didn't go from being a "picture of health to being very sick" - you simply are HIV positive. Your immune system determines what happens from here. I'm hopeful that mine will kick the virus' ass and keep me going for many years. I'm almost 45, and my doctor says that since I got the virus so "late in life" (nice way to say I'm old - thanks doc!) it is much more likely that I will die of something unrelated to HIV.

Are you hooked up with counselling, perhaps through your local ASO? It would probably be very beneficial to you. I'm starting that myself. I'm still struggling at times, after all it's only been about 6 weeks since the definitive diagnosis. My viral load was 43,000, and CD4 of 569, so I don't need medication yet.

Hang in there, keep coming here - and remember that you are NOT "very sick" - you've been exposed to HIV, not the plague!

(Oh - and don't forget to use condoms!!! I hate that part!!)

--Donna


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Playing the waiting game *DELETED* new
      #188316 - 04/27/06 06:55 PM

Post deleted by TheBody

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188324 - 04/27/06 08:14 PM

A.C.C.E.P.T.A.N.C.E is the key... Get on with it! You have my phone number remember...

Love

Eric

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AIDS2HIV
Legend

Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 2200
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188505 - 04/28/06 05:29 PM

yeah yeah anonymous, i dont look for, ask, or want sympathy from ANYONE....never have. Have always taken whats comin to me for my actions with a level of acceptance most would envy. Unlike you ,hiding behind an anonymous name, afraid someones gonna see ya here or something. That alone shows everyone, that ya dont deal with life properly your own self, instead you run and hide from things*

let me make this clear , once again....theres 3 things I dont do..
1...I dont FEAR anything in life, if you walked a mile in the shoes i have on, you'd probably have buckled under the pressure and committed suicide or something, I've turned adversity into a positive way of life, without all the crying,bitching, or poor me's.
2. I dont sugar coat nothing to nobody. I tell it like it is, if ya don't like it dont read it or respond. Those like you that react to it, only show that i have struck a chord in your personal closet.
3...I dont seek anything from anyone, Unlike you, i know the value of earning/getting things myself, i dont take life for granted, like many do. I learned my lessons, without running from the consequences,mentally,emotionally, or physically.

I spose i could come on here, and start pissing and moaning about life like everyone else, wasting my time on it, proving how false or two faced i could be in the process....yanno one post I'm handing out advice, the next Im pissing and moaning cuz i cant follow what i have handed to others....but why should i? theres plenty of that from the others.

You look around anonymous....theres not one post ive asked for sympathy from anyone. not one post ive asked for advice, other than a flavor of wine, whoopty-do. Do i think im better than others? NOPE. do i think i'm farther along in terms of acceptance of it all, than most...U BETCHA!!! i worked hard to get where i am at, i didnt spend time crying or bitchin' about it.
SA's posts are all the same.....oh pity me....why me..like thier pompous ass couldnt get HIV.......EVERYONE OF EM....look back, many people wasted thier time,sugar coating it for him/her and for why? for them to not use any of it, and post yet ANOTHER Waahh Waaahh thread. Big deal, do like everyone else has to, get off your ass and do something about YOU and it will get better,plain and simple Acceptance is the key to it, as many have said time and time again. and Mr anonymous, acceptance is the key to your issues as well*




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Thinking about meeting someone from this site? Read my profile before you do.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188546 - 04/28/06 10:52 PM

As if a silly monicker like AIDS2HIV I(which isn't technically possible, anyway) tells everyone who you really are. If you are so out, post your full name here.



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AIDS2HIV
Legend

Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 2200
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188571 - 04/29/06 08:00 AM

Cochise K Cooper.....I live in paulding ohio. now...lets see you grow a set of ballz and do this....

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Thinking about meeting someone from this site? Read my profile before you do.

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AIDS2HIV
Legend

Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 2200
Re: Playing the waiting game new
      #188575 - 04/29/06 08:36 AM

[quote]As if a silly monicker like AIDS2HIV I(which isn't technically possible, anyway) tells everyone who you really are. If you are so out, post your full name here.

[/quote]

this statement shows your ignorance, a username is just that, a username, a name to use while you are here. People like you are too stupid to realize ya make up a name and stick with it...

to clear up your "technically impossible" confusion. the name AIDS2HIV....represents my numbers, NOT my classification. "Aids" is only a classification, and that it, nothing else. Its used as tracking tool on the disease progression in an geographical area. More & More doctors now a days arent even using the term "Aids"...many have went to using the term "Advanced Hiv"......do you not go anywhere other than the internet? Or you just full of hiv knowledge now you are branching out to username "research" ?

At any rate there ya go i posted my real name, i dont intend on you posting anything but a lie, theres a few on these boards, that if you ask....will verify thats my real name. (Notice I didnt hesitate to do so) I very well could have lied to you, like many others, including yourself....but as i have said above, I dont play games with life anymore, especially the mental ones like fear, self esteem,guilt,shame,etc I'm Loud & Proud about who i am, and who are you again? Oh i remember now...YOU are one of those who are too stupid to realize that when an internet site asks for a registered username, that you dont have to give your real name, you can make one and still be unknown. Im glad i suffer from aids, and not what you do.

--------------------
Thinking about meeting someone from this site? Read my profile before you do.

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