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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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SA_Intellect
Guru

Reged: 03/27/06
Posts: 247
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
How many sleeping pills...?
      #186134 - 04/12/06 07:08 PM

It is finally sinking in that I have HIV and I don't like that feeling. I am scared of the realization that I will be with this virus forever, however long that means for me now. I assumed I would live until I was an old man but now I feel like I've been forced to see my own mortality. What a crappy feeling. I know what you could be struck by a car tomorrow but those are the risks you are willing to accept. HIV isn't among those.

Everything in my life is perfect but it all seems to have been undone by this diagnosis. When I went in to the doctor for my blood tests, my blood pressure was so high, he didn't want to tell me what it was. I am now on anti-anxiety pills. No event in my life has prepared me for this. I have never been seriously ill, never had the flu, and only had surgery once and that was out patient in like an hour.

I don't feel strong enough to deal with this forever, always being worried every time I go to the doctor about what my CD4 and viral load counts are. What the big drop in CD4 or big increase in viral load means? What the side effects of medication are. Even if I don't need meds now, I'll be just be a helpless bystander while each passing blood test shows my immune system slowly being destroyed until I need meds.

I am very lucky to have the support of my family, friends, to have a pretty good job, to have a insurance, to have had so many positive people on this site write me and tell me wonderful things but somehow at least at this begninning phase nothing is enough. I just want to be told this isn't true, that God is giving me one more chance.

Going from being carefree and worryfree to being diagnosed with a disease that if I don't treat will kill me is traumatic, more so then I feel I can handle. All the high expectations I have of myself have come crashing down. I don't like myself anymore. All I ever wanted to do to surprise my parents at how far I would go and to make them very proud and to give them grandchildren and now I don't know if that's possible anymore.

Where is the light at the end of this tunnel?

With that said, I'm 5'11 and 185 pounds. Does anyone know roughly how many sleeping pills I would have to ingest to take myself out the first time. I know I saw a box of 100 at WalMart. Is that enough?

If I did it, I figure I'd wear a nice suit and my new brown leather shoes. I've only worn those once. And I'd be holding a picture of my mother and something of my dad's, don't know what yet. I haven't gotten that far.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: How many sleeping pills...? new
      #186149 - 04/12/06 08:19 PM

That is not very smart. If you want to die just don't take the meds. I think that if you could hold on a few years without taking meds there will be a one a day pill like they have in India. They say it gets easier as time passes you just have to hang in there and not come to sites like this one. If you find a positive woman I think you will feel a lot better and want to live and be with her.

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: How many sleeping pills...? new
      #186150 - 04/12/06 08:25 PM

SA... You know your making a mountain out of this. Your so far in the future you dont even know what day it is? Well Ill tell you, its Wednesday April 12 and for that matter it will be that day all day.. What was wrong with today? hmmmm???

Im going to pm you my phone number, give me a call if you want. Killing yourself would be a chickin shit way to go out and you would devistate your family forever... NOT KEWL and your way smarter than that.. Quit being so dramatic.... Im sending you a PM now...

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SA_Intellect
Guru

Reged: 03/27/06
Posts: 247
Loc: San Antonio, Texas
Re: How many sleeping pills...? new
      #186170 - 04/12/06 09:52 PM

Okay, maybe I got a little carried away with the last paragraph. Sorry.

It was just the thought that was going through my head at the time I wrote this posting. It's like I'd rather die from anything else other than Aids. This is my worst nightmare come true. But I am fortunate to have family, friends, work, insurance and I don't feel sick at all. I am just desperate for the stregnth it takes to deal with all this. It's so new and unexpected.

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AIDS2HIV
Legend

Reged: 12/19/05
Posts: 2200
Re: How many sleeping pills...? new
      #186189 - 04/12/06 10:45 PM

what you do is your business, your choice, just keep in mind, its not up to YOU whether you go or not.....many who try suicide live, only to suffer a worse life they had before...many in wheelchairs, vegetative state etc....atleast with HIV, you can live. I dont offer sympathy to anyone. The things you are going through arent because of hiv, they are issues of "self" that hiv diagnosis has MADE you look at. Go talk to a professional if its that bad, or roll the dice on your life once again......remember what has happened this last time you rolled the dice? Learn from it, and live a better life. Good Luck & God Bless*

--------------------
Thinking about meeting someone from this site? Read my profile before you do.

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: How many sleeping pills...? new
      #186192 - 04/12/06 11:05 PM

You guys should be given medals!! SA you will make it and my number still stands! Everyone of us have contimplated every thing you just wrote. Most dont act however. Do me a favor, and your family. Dont act on everything thats whiling about. CHILL OUT DUDE!

Love

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littleprince
Fanatic

Reged: 03/15/06
Posts: 64
Re: How many sleeping pills...? new
      #186201 - 04/12/06 11:32 PM

someone said in my community health center (Callen Lorde) - it's not how you die, but how you live.

we don't know what's beyond death. that's the reality.
we don't know what's beyond tomorrow. that's the only reality.

you are lucky. you are alive. start from there.
get all the support that you can,
but find your greatest support within you.

as for anxiety, having dealt with it myself prior to diagnosis, i highly recommend acupuncture and yoga. i have been going to a very good acupuncturist for a year now and been doing yoga for several years. it does wonders. if you can find restorative yoga or pranayama, which is about breathing, that will be very helpful. even swimming is good to calm the nerves. pm me if you like, would be happy to connect. be the light in the tunnel and make it reach both ends. ;-)

take care, SA!

--------------------
You Are What You Tolerate.

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ai77
Fanatic

Reged: 04/12/06
Posts: 62
Loc: California
Re: How many sleeping pills...? new
      #186220 - 04/13/06 03:41 AM

Hey SA. I know from your post that right now the positive input is having a hard time reaching you. We all feel down from time to time. That's normal. But DON'T let the negativity linger too long.

You CAN live to be old, CAN still give your parents grandchildren. There's lots of literature about that. HIV+ couples can reduce the chance of their kids having HIV down to something like 2%. This is info I read in a medical journal. Also, there was just an article in the San Francisco Chronicle about a promising gene therapy study where people's cells are being changed to alter the HIV bits so it can't replicate. If it's successful, people may be able to go off their meds and maintain an undetectable or nearly undetectable viral load.

Bottom line:
You sound like a smart dude and I'm sure you've gone through tough stuff before. Granted, it most definitely was not as tough as this fight, but it was preparation for this and you can prevail. You have a lot to live for and a lot to offer the world. Don't rob the world of the good things you have to give.

Having HIV is an adjustment, for sure. But you're already well on your way to managing it. You already take good care of yourself physically and are informing yourself with info for when you'll need it. And you have the support of your loved ones and the people on this site, which is HUGE.

I'm sure what would make your parents proudest right now would be to see you prospering mentally despite this diagnosis. You can still do a vast majority of the things you wanted to do before you got this news. Especially because you're still healthy. Take advantage of that, man!

As another person who was recently diagnosed and who's riding the ups and downs emotionally, this is my advice for you. Perhaps you've already done it:
1) Get hooked up with your nearest ASO and get a social worker. They will have resources to therapy, support groups, etc...
2) Join a support group in your area. I just went to a meeting for the first time, met two other HIV+ women, and I can't say how much of an encouragement and inspiration it was to spend an hour with them. They are not only alive, but L-I-V-I-N-G. Incredible people.
3) Get a doctor you can trust and don't worry too much in advance about OIs, side effects from the drugs, etc... until you actually have to deal with them. Take care of yourself, monitor your numbers, but don't waste too much time and energy on fear and worry. You owe it to yourself to do better things with your time.

We must choose to live. We must choose to fight this virus. We can still have lives of quality, lives that make a difference. You asked where the light is at the end of the tunnel. It's there and you'll find your way, as long as you keep walking and keep walking up instead of down.


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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: How many sleeping pills...? new
      #186533 - 04/15/06 03:14 PM

Look. Its ok to tell us what you are thinking. You arent the first person to have thoughts of death or suicide. Everyone has made wonderful posts for you in your support. Now, dont go feeling like you shouldnt have said what you did. Feeling guilty about even saying it. Its ok. We all go through a lot of emotions in the early stages of accepting HIV.

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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