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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Anonymous
Unregistered

How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse?
      #180109 - 03/15/06 06:18 PM

Last year my wife of 20 years and I went through a very difficult time with our relationship. After months of hurtful words and no physical attention, I decided to accept several sexual offers, primarily unprotected oral from guys. There were also two protected anal encounters. I felt bad about cheating but thought that I at least limited it to low risk activities.

Once my wife and I resolved our issues, I decided to get checked (in May '05). The results were negitive. Two weeks ago I visited my doctor for an unrelated issue and decided to conduct my long overdue follow-up check. To my surprise, the doctor called and told me that it was "reactive." He then performed a DNA by PCR and an anti-body screen that also resulted in a positive status. Yesterday, I went back for another test to check my blood for CD levels. (I'm not sure of the differences between the tests.) At this point, I am grasping at anything that I can in hopes that the results of the last two tests were false positives.

In the meantime, I am trying to keep my whits about me and live life as normal as possible. My wife is happier now than she has been in years. Telling her that I've cheated is going to be difficult...telling her that I am positive will be worst than anything I could ever imagine, especially in light of the fact that I might have also infected her.

I hope to get the results from the follow up testing within a week or so. During this time, I probably need to begin preparing for a horrible ride.

Ten years ago I confessed to my wife that I allowed a male to mastubate me some five years earlier. She became enraged and wanted a divorce. After six months of hell and constant begging for forgiveness, she finally forgave me. She then advised me that she'd found a way to get back at me. During my six months of trying to restore our marriage, she'd charged almost $15K on trips, meals and clothing to an unused joint credit card. Since her foolish shopping was because of my "sin", it was my duty to pay off the bill. She also warned that if anything like this ever happened again, she would DESTROY me. There would be NO second chances.

I have three adoring children, am well-respected in my profession, church and community, am close to my family and hers, and have worked hard to provide a good life for my family while keeping us financially stable. I KNOW that she will do everything in her power to destroy all of the above.

I am praying for a false positive report. However, if it is not, my world and the world of my three children will be at the mercy of an irrational and understandably scorned woman. If anyone can share insights or offer suggestions on what I should be doing to prepare for the worse, I would be extremely grateful.

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littleprince
Fanatic

Reged: 03/15/06
Posts: 64
Re: How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse? new
      #180113 - 03/15/06 06:29 PM

I am waiting for my results too and hoping I am a false positive. It's been a week and it's been a roller coaster ride. Nobody knows yet and I have cried once and lurked at this thread. Today, I decided to register and be a part of my now. The now that I am waiting for my result. The now that I a am likely positive. The now that is not the dead past nor the imagined future. There is more to life than testing positive. It is overwhelming but life is overwhelming noh? Find it in your heart to accept where you are now.

I got this just now in my email. Hope it helps:

The surest sign of spiritual progress is a total lack of concern about progress. There is an utter absence of anxiety about anything like liberation and a sort of hollowness in one's being, a kind of looseness and involuntary surrender to whatever might happen.

Balsekar

--------------------
You Are What You Tolerate.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse? new
      #180118 - 03/15/06 06:40 PM

Thanks for the reminder Lillte Prince. Although I like where I am right now...now is all that I really have.

I will register soon and will be praying for false positives for the both of us.

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littleprince
Fanatic

Reged: 03/15/06
Posts: 64
Re: How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse? new
      #180119 - 03/15/06 06:42 PM

Today is the absolute day,
the only day in the eternity of time.
Everyday is fresh and new
just as one's life is new everyday.

let's keep in touch, have a good evening.

--------------------
You Are What You Tolerate.

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Blixer
Legend

Reged: 01/10/06
Posts: 599
Loc: Missouri
Re: How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse? new
      #180145 - 03/15/06 08:21 PM

I'll be praying for both of you. HIV is a strange bug. Some people can do very unsafe things for years and never get infected. Then others can do the low risk things only a few times and end up getting infected. It doesn't seem fair at all. I was one of the low risk people and somehow I still got infected. I'll keep you in my thoughts. My reality didn't really become real until I saw the CD4 counts and the viral load. Then I knew. Up to that point it was always someone telling me. But, I also know that even if positive it isn't the end of the world. And sometimes the people we think woudl react the worst are the onest that come through for us. I have an ex-wife that I thought would say "serves you right" when she found out I was positive. But I got just the opposite reaction. She has been one of the most concerned and caring people around. So whatever happens, you still have a lot of life before you and don't underestimate those around you.



--------------------
David
Sustiva, Epivir, Videx EC


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse? new
      #180158 - 03/15/06 08:59 PM

Hey. I've also been through a lot recently.
Worst thing is that HIV tests not only bring fears about our health, but they raise (sometimes) sexuality issues that we've been fighting to hide our whole life. And that makes our fears incredibly bigger.

But It's been 3 months since I tested positive and I feel much better. Fears calmed down and panic is controled. I was told this would happen. First weeks are terrible. I was desperate. I was told later I would see how foolish I was to panic. It IS true.

All I can say is:
- Don't take any strong action. Don't talk to you're wife until you are ready. You will be eventually. And any attitude now can make it harder for you later. Wait until you recover your breath.
- Stop and look at yourself. Try to understand your sexuality. I saw it as a monster for years. I couldn't accept it and therefore could not stop thinking about it. And this fear/hate made this 'monster' grow year after year. I'm sure that if back there I didn't give it so much importance I wouldn't like man by now. And now I know I'll only have an option after I learn to look at it as something normal. NOT A SIN. Something that take abnormal formats when we fight to conceal it and choose secret ways to 'feed' it.
- Do all you exams. You might be negative... or not. Just remember that being positive is not as bad as most people (including ourselves) think. HIV positives live long and helthy nowadays and every year new medication is found. Medical groups and researches around AIDS are the strongest ones in the segment. Get informed.
- Even if you are HIV positive, you can be happy. Actually, a lot of unhappy people, after being infected, finally took some action to be trully happy. Take this time to breath deeply and calmly look at your life. See what you wish to change. If you are infected your life WILL change. But in your case I could change for better. You could get rid of some heavy ghosts.
- The fact that your wife could be infected must be hard. I had a girlfriend too and that was REALLY scary. we had unprotected sex while I was already infected (I did not know of course). She was the first to know and I asked her to test. She just tested negative again and boy, thats a relief! So there's a chance she's OK. Anyway, give yourself sometime before you talk to her about it. Positive or negative, she'll be angry. You cheated.
- RELAX. Everything will roll out much better than you are imagining right now. Look for help. Talk to someone. Get a shrink if you need. Talking about it is the best way to take these bricks off your shoulder. I had difficulty breathing in the first week. Now I'm relaxed with stregh to face it all.


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse? new
      #180232 - 03/16/06 09:47 AM

Thank you VERY much David for sharing your story and giving me hope. I am not sure about what will happen in the future, but it really helps to know that others have faced what I'm facing and have survived. Thanks again for your prayers. I'll keep you updated.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse? new
      #180387 - 03/16/06 10:20 PM

As a theologian, I can attest to the fact that your wife is a vindinctive, judgemental, lost sheep of a woman who is going to have to answer to God for the way she is treating you. Christ did not care for hypocrites, and he does not now. We are ALL sinners in desperate need of God's grace and she needs to recognize her own sin as well. At least you have (seemingly) repented and are aware of your sin, which is why you ARE forgiven. She needs to ask your forgiveness, as well as the Lord's. Because she seems to believe she is of a higher accord than you, but she is just as much a sinner as the rest of us. I'll be interested to see what she has to say to God on the Final Day....

Trust me, your story is not unique. I worked as a Christian counselor, and I have heard everything. We all have our crosses to bear. One of your wife's duties is to help you bear this cross you are carrying. She is avoiding this responsibility, and she needs to stop. Now.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse? new
      #180479 - 03/17/06 10:38 AM

Thank you VERY much for your comments. My doctor called me yesterday while I was at work to give me the bad news. (I shared the news in another post yesterday.)

I must confess that having someone take as much time as you did to encourage and make suggestions to me truly affirms my value as a human being. I've been beating myself up and feeling worthless ever since I was told that my test was "reactive." Now it's time to move on with life so that I can take care of my wife, family and myself.

I plan to sign up on this site and get a user name. Hopefully, we can keep in touch. It sounds like you are several steps ahead of me in this journey and that I could learn a lot from your experiences. If you are willing, I would appreciate if we could encourage and support each other. I've got a feeling that the support network in my town will be somewhat small.

Thanks again, Gary

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: How Should I Be Prepare for the Worse? new
      #180488 - 03/17/06 10:51 AM

Thak you VERY much for your comforting words. Yes, I have repented for what I have done and trust that God has forgiven me. Right now I am praying as much for my wife as I am for myself. My life is somewhat ruined, but the last thing I want is for my bride to be sick because of the sins of her husband.

I TRULY LOVE MY WIFE and completely understand the anger she will have towards me -- I deserve it. I pray that she will one day forgive me and not run the risk of dying with hatred in her heart for me. In any event, it is just good to know that I can come to this site afterwards and feel valued as a person.

Thanks again for taking the time out to share the love of Christ with me. It means more to me than you know.

With warmest regards, Gary

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