Advertisement
The Body: The Complete HIV/AIDS Resource
Follow Us Follow Us on Facebook Follow Us on Twitter Download Our App
Professionals >> Visit The Body PROThe Body en Espanol
  Breaking News: FDA Approves Triumeq, New Once-Daily Combination Pill

HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

Pages: 1 | 2 | (show all)
Steven
Unregistered

Crystal Meth and HIV
      #17483 - 04/19/01 05:50 PM

I have recently been diagnosed with HIV at age 31. I have never been a very promiscuous person. My first boyfriend and I were together just over ten years. Both of us had few sexual partners in our lives before we met, we were both negative and strictly monogomous. Toward the end of our relationship, and the very cause of it, crystal meth entered our lives.

My ex lost his mind on the stuff and the psychological/emotional toll on me was too much. We lost everything we had worked so many years together doing crystal. When we split, I was felt so lost and didn't care much about myself. While he went on to get treatment, I continued spiralling downward into an ever increasing use.

It had been so long since I was single that I didn't really know what to do with myself and, living in Los Angeles, it seemed that every gay man I met was HIV+. Needless to say, I did some regretful and stupid things while high which led to my being infected with not only HIV but Hepatitis C as well.

After being incarcerated for the first time in my life for possession of a controlled substance I decided I needed help and called my family. I have now been sober for 3 months and am in a rehabilitation program in a rural town in Oregon (where my family lives).

Coming to terms with what has happened to my life, I had myself tested for various STDs and recently learned about being infected. I'm still in a state of shock about the whole situation and am trying to come to terms with the situation.

Now that I am HIV+ it seems that there is no other gay male anywhere that also has HIV. Of course living in a small town in Oregon has a lot to do with that, I know.

I recently met someone whom I am attracted to and yet I'm affraid to further our relationship because I feel ashamed/concerned about my status. I have been so lonely lately that it has been difficult not to feel depressed and start using crystal again.

Meeting someone in this small town that is gay, I'm attracted to as well as he is to me, started to bring me out of my depression until our relationship became more serious intimately. Now I don't know what to do and I haven't seen him lately due to this fact.

I don't feel I can talk about any of this to my rehab group as they are entirely straight homophobic alcoholic males that would more than likely treat me differently if they found out I was gay let alone HIV+.

Is there anyone out there that can relate? Any words of advice? I have not had a problem with my sobriety until now and I'm affraid I will start using again. I know it isn't the right thing to do but it sure makes me feel better. I know that sounds crazy since ironically crystal is what caused me to be here in the first place. What can I say? I'm a drug addict. Wish I wasn't the only gay HIV+ male recovering crystal meth addict in town.

steve



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17539 - 04/23/01 10:23 AM

Hi Steve. It sounds like this man potentially means a lot to you. You should tell him about your status and explain that you can have a safe sexual relationship together...lots of gays and straights manage to do it. It must be hard living in a small town. If things don't work out with this guy, because of your status or whatever, you may want to consider big city living again. You need to be somewhere that makes you feel welcome...besides having your family close, it doesn't sound like you have a good peer group there in Oregon. If I were in your shoes, I would soak up support from my family, try to get my addiction under control, and plant myself somewhere warm...by that I mean somewhere where there are many gay men, positive and negative.

Are you on any antidepressants? I wonder if there are some things to help you feel better without having to get high...just a thought.

Good luck to you and know you're not alone. You may have to relocate at some point, maybe not. Open up to this new person...at the very least, it sounds like you may have made a good friend. :)
Amy



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17562 - 04/24/01 01:22 PM

Hey Steven:
What a long road you've come down. And finding a gay positive man in a small town in Oregon is NOT easy. But you never know. You sound like a great guy whose been through a lot and really been transformed by it. Do you have an annoymous e-mail account you can set up in Yahoo and then you can try looking for someone via the internet--(like posting here...)you never know, there may indeed be someone in Oregon near you--I used to live in Oregon. Do you know about http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/4750/index.html
Or are there any support groups even one hour away from you? I met so many positive men who were persistant and found a partner --and I would have thought they would not have succeeded. It seems being single-minded does indeed pay off!.
Good Luck! You sound fantastic! (However, I already have a partner...) RR



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Steven
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17586 - 04/25/01 12:50 PM

thank you for the link. was checking out the site this morning and found it very helpful. yes, it has been a long hard road i've chosen but i'm trying to make the best of it.



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Steven
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17587 - 04/25/01 12:59 PM

Thank you for the support Amy. I have a feeling I will have to relocate eventual too. I miss Los Angeles, just afraid that if I go back there I'll start using again. I have now been sober 95 days. I'm not currently on any anti-depressants only because I haven't wanted to trade one addiction for another. We will see how it goes. My appointment with a specialist is this Friday and I'm a bit nervous as to what I'm going to find out. I sure would like to take something to make it easier but I know that isn't going to make it any better for me. :)

As far as the new relationship, I've started conversing with him again over the telephone. He has made it obvious that he wants to move to a more intimate level. I know I need to and will tell him, just not sure how I'm going to bring it up just yet. I really like him and am afraid that he will drop me as soon as he knows about my status. I guess that's just life, right? I haven't told him yet because I don't want to do it over the telephone. Next time I see him in person will be when it happens. Any words of advice? Are you HIV+? How was it for you the first time you disclosed your status?



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
AmyC
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17590 - 04/25/01 01:43 PM

I'm still in the window period, but I may have been infected recently. I've read what some of the positive women have experienced when it comes to disclosure. Responses vary: the person runs the other way, they are indifferent, or they care even more about their new love/friend. It could go so many ways, but you deserve to be loved. If it doesn't work out with this guy, there are many others out there, both positive and negative who can love you. You need to own that feeling, that's what will make it true.

As far as antidepressants, most are not addictive. But they could help at this point in your life. I used to be reluctant to take medication, but I have to say, it's made a huge difference in my life, in all areas. You've got a heavy cloud hanging over you and if there is something safe that can help lift it, why not try it?

Let me know how it goes with your new friend. I'll be sending you positive mantras. :)
Amy




Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Steven
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17593 - 04/25/01 06:26 PM

Thanks for the positive mantras Amy. I'm meeting with the guy tonight. Spoke with him on the telephone after writing to you and decided tonight is the night. Seize the day, right? So wish me luck. I'm scared to death about it but I want to get it over with to see what happens.

What sort of anti-depressants are you talking about? I'm only familiar with illicit drugs, not prescription drugs. Can the specialist I see on Friday (the doctor who is going to get my counts) prescribe them?

Thanks again.

Steve



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Amy
Newbie

Reged: 04/24/01
Posts: 8
Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17600 - 04/26/01 09:11 AM

Hi Steve,
Hope things went well last night, and if they didn't, there's another person out there for you, you need to keep that in mind. There are all sorts of anti-depressants you could take, safely. You may mention to the specialist that you're having a really hard time dealing with this (obviously). If you can afford it or if you have insurance that could help, I would see a psychiatrist to get the best meds at the right doses. Often, other medical docs aren't familiar with these drugs and may prescribe the wrong thing, often at a very low dose to be safe. But when you're dealing with something like HIV, I would think you'd want an expert to give you the right stuff. But you never know, the specialist may be very aware of how to treat depression and anxiety for HIV patients.

Let me know how things went. Wishing you wellness and happiness.
Amy




Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Steven
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17624 - 04/27/01 09:39 PM

Thank you again for the advice Amy. I saw my specialist today for the first time. They withdrew six vials of blood to get my count and check on my hep c. Yuck! I hate giving blood. Guess I'm going to have to get used to it though. I brought up the depression meds and my doctor was very informative. I'm still a little concerned about taking any other drugs right now so I told her I would think about it. I'll be seeing her again in two weeks for a full physical so maybe by then I will have decided.

So I had my first disclosure encounter the other night and it went reasonably well I think. He didn't seem too bothered by it but I felt like he was noticeably more distant. I called him yesterday and he was also kind of short. "Busy" he said. Too early to tell if he is dumping me yet. Probably just my anxiety about the whole thing. Didn't try to call him today, figured he can be the one to make the next move. We'll see.

Again, thank you for your replies and support. I can't tell you how much it has helped my mental state let alone keep me clean.

Steve



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Amy
Newbie

Reged: 04/24/01
Posts: 8
Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17636 - 04/30/01 09:47 AM

You are more than welcome!! I'm glad you talked to your doctor about the depression, think about what you want to do, it sounds like you're holding up OK for now. I hope your new friend comes around, but if he doesn't, there is someone out there, positive or not, who will be there for you. It may take a little work to find, but that person exists.

Feel free to send me a note to my account (just click on my name in red) if you want to keep me up to date. Wishing you well in health and happiness. :) If I'm positive, I hope I have the same gumption/good attitude that you seem to have.

Despite HIV and crystal meth, I think you're going to be OK, better than OK, you will find happiness. Just call it a hunch. :)
Amy




Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #17944 - 05/22/01 04:23 PM

Steve,

I feel for you feeling that your support group is homophobic. Since I am a hetro male, I feel very alone in my HIV disease struggle. I have some experience with depression medicines. In 97 I was prescribed Prozac and then Paxil to help me with stress related depression. I did not like the side affects of either drug. However, after repeated urgings from doctor I started a new one called Celexa in December and feel it has at least helped my sleep patterns without the negative side effects of the my prior experience. I wish you the best.



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Steven
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #18439 - 06/15/01 05:28 PM

thank you for your support. things have been looking up for me and i am currently taking wellbutrin for my depression. i was able to locate some better support systems in a larger nearby town. i also received my numbers for the first time a few weeks ago and found that my infection is still in the early stages. i will more than likely not need to start any medication for quite some time.



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Amy
Newbie

Reged: 04/24/01
Posts: 8
Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #18542 - 06/19/01 04:09 PM

Very good news all around! Glad to hear that you're doing so well, physically and emotionally. I'm still in the window but trying to keep my chin up. You do the same. :)



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Steven
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #18679 - 06/24/01 02:51 PM

Good to hear from you again. When will you be out of the window Amy?



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Crystal Meth and HIV new
      #23297 - 10/12/01 09:15 PM

Hey Steve don't feel bad, all I can say is that you are not the only person that this has happened to. I too was living a good single life and I decided to move in w/a friend just to help him out. Turns out he was a tweaker and he offered I tried it and I liked it. At first I could control it but later on it was impossible not to take a bump, a line or two. So I got wasted I went out I had sex and now I too am HIV+, I feel bad about the whole situation who wouldn't but let's be thankful that at least now we have medication that could help us fight this virus and lead us to live healthy, clean and sober lives. I wanna tell you one thing though. I did loose my job, my sense of morality and most of my friends. But now I no longer live there I stop taking the drugs and I commend you for going to rehab I am doing it all on my own and I've been clean for 2 months. Words of Wisdom, "God would not leave you he's by your side because he knows you are a strong person and he knows you can handle this "heavy" cloud. Have faith and think positive". I know this has helped me alot and I know that going back home to your family was the best choice you've ever made 'member they are the only ones that were there when you were born and they'll always be there for you. It is sad to admit that I've learned the sad way, but the beauty of it is that "I LEARNED" and that my friend is all that matters.
God Bless and let's get through this together.

28 year old HIV+ in L.A.



Post Extras: Remind Me!   Notify Moderator  
Pages: 1 | 2 | (show all)


What's New at TheBody.com

Additional Information
0 registered and 1 anonymous users are browsing this forum.

Moderator:  TheBody, bogart, crabman, riverprincess 

Permissions
      You cannot start new topics
      You cannot reply to topics
      HTML is enabled
      UBBCode is enabled

Thread views: 11165

 
Jump to

Contact Us | Privacy Statement The Body

*
UBB.threads™ 6.2.3