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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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Pratt
Newbie

Reged: 07/11/05
Posts: 1
Terrified, Emotional, Alone
      #157041 - 07/11/05 01:58 AM

Hi all. I was diagnosed in April of this year and I'm a scared out of my whits. I've always been a worrier but now I'm an emotional wreck. I spend a lot of time thinking about what kind of transformation I am about to go through and planning a quick, closed coffin funeral. I didn't want to die this way. It's my own fault because I became a little to "worldy". I moved to a big city and just lost control of my senses. Now, God has punished me. I haven't told anyone and don't think that I will have to because sooner or later people will notice the change and figure it out. I'm awaiting the results of my second blood test and I am fearing the worse. My first results where CD4 of 316 and VL of 13,000. My doctor says I'm in the gray area for beginning meds which scares me because I've heard that meds give tell tale signs like darkened complexion and fingernails,hair loss, nausea and headaches. I didn't pay much attention to the biggot HIV remarks from friends and other people before but now it seems as though that's all I hear and that's all I can remember, ringging over and over in my head. I sometimes can't believe this has happened. I wanted so much to be remembered as leaving the world with something good, not ashamed and certainly not worrying that I am going to be damned for being so stupid. My family is a praying family and I believe that it works, but I can't ask them for prayer since I cannot tell them that I've failed them, especially my parents...it would kill them. I will ask of anyone here who does pray to pray for me (Ken) and everyone else like me.

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FLYEAGLE
Member

Reged: 06/27/05
Posts: 11
Loc: PA
Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157047 - 07/11/05 11:53 AM

hi i too was recently diagnosed going through about the same things you are we just need to keep our heads up we (hopefully) will be ok....so far the only good thing is my fiance' is still neg....after we have been together for two years....we also can not tell anyone about this we have been an emotional trainwreck since finding out my status...if you need to talk you can email me anytime at flyingeagle812@peoplepc.com.......i'm sure we could maybe help each other.........again don't give up i'm not

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ny10001
Grand Master

Reged: 07/08/05
Posts: 199
Loc: New York
Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157048 - 07/11/05 11:56 AM

Cheer up. You're not being punished by anyone. You have a virus. It's the same as any other virus in that once it's in your body, it's in there for life. Under normal circumstances, the immune system learns to "control" those viruses which is why diseases appear to subside (flu, chicken pox, warts, etc...). Unfortunately, HIV just happens to be most compatible with the T4 helper cells. As a result, we use medication as a tool to control that viral replication cycle which allows the immune system to resume its original, daily task of detecting new infections and holding existing ones in remission.

You're not being punished. God doesn't punish people for moving to big cities and becoming worldly. That's just silly.

You're not toxic
You're not a failure
You're not a biohazard

You're a person. Don't worry about whether or not you're "worldly". Just worry about whether or not you're a good person and what good you do in the world (and be sure to enjoy the world along the way). Read through the expert Q&A forums in thebody.com and understand the virus replication cycle from aidsmeds.com.

This is a disease just like any other.

If you seek treatment and go on the modern medications, your appearance probably won't even change. The horror stories of the medications simply are not true. They're not toxic. You don't begin to look like an "AIDS patient", and you don't need to reveal your status to anyone before you're ready. Most people won't ever need to know.

Seek treatment. Educate yourself on the disease and resume living! If you do that, in all likelyhood you will live out a normal lifespan, and it will be as rewarding a life as you make of it.

Personally, I'm glad I have HIV. It triggered me to stand up and begin to manage my life in a positive manner instead of letting it manage me. As a result, I am now living a more fufilling and healthier life than I ever thought possible.

I know that may seem incredulous to you at this point, but you're not alone, and you're not being punished. It's all up to you to manage at this point. So get living!!!

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sage
Member

Reged: 04/15/05
Posts: 20
Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157052 - 07/11/05 02:47 PM

Hi there, I can understand what your going through. Had many of the same feelings a year ago when I was diagnosed. It doesn't make you a failure and you are still a great person capable of great and unbelievable things. This is just a little hiccup in the road of life. Just as manageable if not better than diabetes. It is scary as hell to think of the dissapointment that your family may feel. I was at great odds to tell mine, but found out just how much they love me and support me even though they know and has been a relief.
I chose not to tell anyone at first, but for me the secret was killing me. I went to a counsellor that specializes in people living with HIV and it has helped so much. Now I speak publicly at high schools to educate. I have been assaulted out and about by ignorant people, but I try to keep going and know that education to others is the key to getting rid of the stigma and shame that goes along with this disease.
I wish you all the best and keep your head up. It will be a struggle for a while, but you will persevere because you are a strong and beautiful person that has so much to offer the world.
Cheers.


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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157134 - 07/12/05 03:49 PM

What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. I can tell you because I experienced the same emotions three years ago. It's like taking every emotion that you can feel, rolling them into a ball, and placing them in your head. You will see this differently, I promise. I still struggle from time to time. You family will surprise you. My mother wrapped her arms around me, wiped away my tears, and has stood by me. Since then, I have finished two degrees, work full-time, have health and life insurance benefits. I am living my life! I have always said that HIV will take my breath, but I refuse to let it take my life! I am not even on meds. Exercise, eat well, get plenty of sleep, and try not to worry. That is the key! We are all here for you. Good Luck!

Dakota Langrange HIV+ 3 years

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Rozie
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157138 - 07/12/05 04:18 PM

First of all, forgive me for not write English well. I am brazilian, I have learned English for almost seven years, but I can´t write as well as I wish. It doesn´ t matter. The first worst thing in HIV + is the guilt and shame. The second one is a belief that God "has punish someone" with HIV. HIV is a infection of men and women alives. Just men and women that were dead don´t have sex, so... I think have or no have HIV is actually just a question of luck (I don´t know if there is this kind of statement). I´m so tired about fear, shame, punishement. The life of more than millions people is boring, sad, quite depressed.The life of someone with HIV today is the same of all person in the world: this is our decision - happy or sad.
best regards
Rozie

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anonymously
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157141 - 07/12/05 06:02 PM

Pratt,
Don't be too hard on yourself. I just tested positive last month and it was a total shock to me. I was numb and in hysterics for about 10 days but I had to keep working and keep living.
I haven't told my family and probably won't since it would only upset them and it wouldn't serve any purpose. Be selective and think carefully about who you tell if you decide to tell anyone. If you think counseling will help you, do it. I have found this website to be a great support system with alot of kind people and good medical information. When I struggle with my recent diagnosis, I get on this site and read other people's stories.You need to understand that HIV is a manageable 'condition' and that you can have a happy life beyond your diagnosis and live for a long time. I've been on meds for only 5 days (sustiva/truvada combo) and it hasn't been that bad with the side effects. So, don't panic and feel free to drop me a line if you need to chat about it. Also, don't buy into the idea that God is punishing you---there is too much horror and evil in the world that goes unpunished--why would God single you out and let other things go unpunished?
I've gone through all of your same emotions but you need to just accept it, and as my Doctor said "Get over it and move on". Hang in there and don't let depression get ahold of you!
Hudsonjet

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157186 - 07/13/05 07:59 PM

Hey guy
I was once in your shoes. i tested positive in 1994 with a CD4 of 310 and viral load in the hundred thousands. I started meds and 11 years later live with a CD4 count of 1460 and undec. viral load. Yes it is scary but you need to make your on dission on what you want to do. Not everyone gets side effects and if you do talk to your doctor. I hope all goes well for you and I'll keep you in my prayers. Also my parents don't know about my status and I will never tell them. Keep a positive attitude towards life and you will notice the difference in your health.
Sincerely
Adolfo Morales

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pwltx
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157199 - 07/13/05 09:44 PM

Dear Pratt:
You may be feeling alone, but believe me there are many who are praying for you right now- even though I am not POZ, my boyfriend is, and we have faced this together and will continue to do so, and learn more each day and learn to suppport each other each day; that is what our love is all about. God bless you to know you are a wonderful human being and deserve all of our support and prayers.

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toxicgrrl
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157207 - 07/13/05 11:47 PM

Dear Ken,
This is the first time I have registered at the Body's bulletin board,,I am glad I did,,,cuz your story struck me and reminded me so much of how I felt in those early days right afer testing positive. If you hear nothing else helpful in this reply,,,please, Please,. PLEASE hear this!! It gets better hon,,,it really does, it gets bearable and soon you feel almost like new. God does not punish us with any of the maladies that mankind has been witness to. He gives us free will...and sometimes that free will gets us in a situation....You are "Something Good" that will someday (a long long time from now!!



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toxicgrrl
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157209 - 07/14/05 12:03 AM

Dammit Ken,,,I hit post and I was not finished..where was I?? Oh yeah!! you will leave this world one day,,(like we all will) and it wont' be for a long time if you die from AIDS,,Nine years ago, I started giving my stuff away, ran up my credit cards, and wished like Hell I even had a life insurance policy to cash in...Today, I wish I had my stuff back, and guess what I Still don't have any credit cards...but I have life,,and hope,,,,and love, and Peace with the Lord...Someday, you will find your niche in the HiV community helping others,,,(like in prevention advocacy, or positively speaking forums,,or maybe it will be as simple as having one youngster,,,listen to your story,,,actually take it to heart,,,,and decide that their "play time" will always be the safe kind and knowing you and hearing you,,,,,,has indeed made a difference for them...:) That way,,,when Jesus finally does call you home,,,,you will know that you left this life,,,doing something truly meaningful for your fellow man or woman...I wish I could go back and read your letter again,,just because there is so much I wanted to say to you and I don't want to leave anything vital out!! You will find a drug regimen that works for you and try not to listen to the ill-informed that mean well but don't always know what meds there are out there. Some have side effects that are quite bearable and if you dont have a good doc,,,switch,,,the paitient doc relationship in an HIV case,,,is very very important,,,you will be partners in care,,,Please take advantage of any groups., case management, websites etc etc in your area,,,,not feeling alone helps,,,and not being alone is good too...Just try not to gather dooomsday buddies around you,.,,,,You need to love yourself again....and know that Our God loves us,,,,postitive/neggie,,,gay/straight undecided,,,,,all of us...
Your Friend,
ohrosieohgirl@yahoo.com

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157213 - 07/14/05 01:10 AM

hello from Belgium
i do not believe in God but trust me, i send you lots of love, friendship and friendship, i am also POZ and already 2 years on medicins, it's not easy with some side effects but believe me, real friends keeps loving you also when you are POZ,
you are still the same person only you have a virus in your body and KEEP TRUSTING in doctors who search for a cure ,
in a war sometimes people think this never stops but after a war
there is always a time for peace, HIV is now impossible to
cure but maybe in 5 or more years....there is a cure, YOU HAVE TO KEEP TRYING TO THINK POSITIVE, when i have a
hard time then i say to myself...i have to keep thinking positive and i am already positive so this will be easier, it's better to
laugh with it then to cry with it but if you feel sad, just cry,
i wish you all the best from Belgium and sorry for my mistakes in English! LOTS OF LOVE!

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bravo
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157216 - 07/14/05 02:29 AM

I have greast respect for the you, the testimony you have given is inspiring and should lift up a lot of fallen spirits, keep up the good work. W e unconciously change a lot of lifes when we give such hope.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157218 - 07/14/05 02:44 AM

Dear Pratt

I am a "praying person", like your family. I am not positive, but spend my working life trying to help Christians in their response to HIV and AIDS. There is much I do not understand and that I do not know, but I know this: We pray to a loving and merciful God. He could but doesn't punish us for our sins. If there was a direct relationship between sin and punishment, all of us would be dead or dying, as we have all sinned. Through Christ our sins are forgiven - now and forever. This does not excempt us from the consequences of our poor choices, or of the consequences of living in a broken and sinful world.
After saying all that - and sounding a bit like a pastor!- I reallly am praying for you. I pray for God's peace in a frightning and overwhelming time in your life. I pray for sympathetic and intelligent medical care. I pray for someone to support and encourage you with Christ's love. I pray for the right medicine choices for you, and a long and healthy life. I pray that you find your 'calling' and find a way in which you will leave something wonderfull in this life, whether you live one year or fourty!

God Bless
Lyn
South Africa



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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Terrified, Emotional, Alone new
      #157220 - 07/14/05 04:07 AM

Dear Friend,
take heart I felt excatly like you when I tested positive. I was so scared and ashamed felt I had let down my family and I was dying for my sins. You are not a sinner. its just unfortunate u are positive. You need to start thinking positive. I was scared to tell my parents for fear of rejection so I told my closest prayful friends and we prayed and still do. about the meds , I decided to have a postive attitude. It was not easy becoz all the fears of reaction some people get I got. I for one after 3 weeks on Meds, I lost all my skin my nails fell out but I kept strong with my friends . now my cd 4 count is gr8 my virul load great my skin and nails back to normal and living positive. I havnet got the guts to tell my parents but waiting for the time when I am ready . For now I living positively , living every day to the fullest and stopped punishing my mind that Im am a sinner and therefore God has punished me.
Start living every day to its fullest . You may outlive those who dont have it if you put your heart to it. you are not a leper coz you are positive , you just slightly impaired healthwise unlike others but you can handle this as a managable disese.
God bless

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