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HIV Life >> I Just Tested Positive

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john-john
Unregistered

Wanting kids
      #156804 - 07/04/05 03:34 AM

Hi, this is my first time to post anything like this. I was diagnosed almost a year now (July 8). Im a straight man broke up with my girl at that time and had unprotected sex with a woman. It was fine until I went in for my routine check up before I went on vacation. I got home my doctor left messages that I should call him immediately because he has something important to tell me and that he can only tell me in person. I was so scared and went to see him that same afternoon. He told me and I started crying because of disbelief that this is actually. I felt guilt, dirty and ashamed about my condition. The first thing in my mind was if I can have children in the future. I wanted kids that actually the reason why I broke up with my girl is she doesnt want kids. I know I can be a great father, I have so much to offer. I feel like I got cheated on not being able to be a father. I dont know now if I can be with a HIV neg female or even go on dates anymore without the feeling rejected because of my status. Is it possible to find true love ever with this disease??? Im so scared of telling people. Only one person other than my doctor know that I am HIV+ which is my bestfriend. I feel that i will be forever alone or will die a lonely man. I want to have kids. But i think it will not happen. Is there a possibilty for a HIV+ couple to have a normal healthy child??? Is there some sort of cleansing fertility thing to do to prevent the transmision of the diesease. Please help me. This is really making me depressed. A lot o f people trying to set me up on dates but they dont know that Im positive and it scares me that they will judge and reject me. Not even sure if Im making sense.

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Derron
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156883 - 07/06/05 06:26 PM

I found out in 1997 I was positive. I was stabbed with a needle of a drug addict while working security. (bad choice for work huh) Cried for many days. I'm straight and alone. I was rejected after I told my girl I might be infected. She bugged out before I new I was positive. I don't know how to date or have a relationship without saying I'm HIV+. I wanted kids, the whole thing. I just gave up. Here it is 2005, almost 10 years & I'm still hurt. Still scarred to say I'm HIV+...still want kids but I know I can't have unless I subject a new child to what I got. I'm lost in regret but I struggle to live on happily. Your situation does not make me feel better, but lets me know that I'm not alone. That's a good feeling...not to know someone else is suffering the same as you...but to know that someone is looking for the same thing is a bit comforting. I know I'm not the only striaght HIV+ guy out there. But when you see somebody u like, how do you move forward with them knowing at some point it has to be told. Then, will they stick wit u? So many questions, tears & all....still try & be happy

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Chaparra
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156884 - 07/06/05 06:27 PM

Hey there I am a positive woman (9years) and have had three kids while being positive. I also work in an AIDS clinic and there is a way to have children without infecting your partner. It is called sperm washing or there is invetro fertlization. I wish you the best of luck

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156886 - 07/06/05 06:38 PM

I am a 36 year old female basically in the same boat as you. I want to have a child too. I am hopeful that we (HIV + people) can still have children with the aid of AZT and sperm washing. Columbia Pres. in NY, NY will do it. Dr. Sauer is the guy to seek out.There is a procedure called sperm washing it may help you. I feel that it is much more conmmon for men to find a partner than for women. I can identify with all of your fears and feelings. Good luck to you.

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Hopeful in NJ
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156888 - 07/06/05 06:41 PM

Hi. I am a positive woman wanting to conceive can you tell me more about your amazing experience? Please??

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156893 - 07/06/05 09:06 PM

Hi John John

I just found out in October last year that I tested positive for Hiv. Hearing the news from my doctor was the most difficult thing I have heard in my life. Like you, I wanted to have a family and I trusted the individual in my life who did not disclose his status to me. My greatest fear was not being able to have a family but I now know that the option is still available to me when I am ready. I have a great doctor and a great support system.Like you I have limited the amount of people I have told. I have the world's best friend who spent so much time with me I felt gulity that she was ignoring her husband, he too turn out to be a great support for me as well. They have not treated me any differently; since then in fact they include me more in activites so I am not alone to think. They never let me slip into that place again. Now, my greatest fear is meeting someone and having to tell him that I am hiv+ and dealing with the reaction. I would love to find some one to be with and be able to enjoy life with again but it is difficult to think about going on the dating scence. I still get the phone numbers but I never call; my girlfriend tells me I am crazy but like you I am afraid of being rejected. No one in my family knows and that is the hardest part for me but I know it makes it easier for them. Hang in there I have faith that I will meet someone who my status will not make a difference to and you will too. Best of success and God bless.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156895 - 07/06/05 09:25 PM

It is easier if a person tell you upfront about his status. I was not infomed by my partner and he insisted on us starting a family. I would have prefered if he had given me the option. I know that it is still possible to have children and that I am happy about; but telling a new partner can be difficult. I found out in October last year and have not dated or seen anyone since I found out. He is now sitting in a jail cell counting the days till he gets out. All I can tell you is get to know someone very well before you decide to tell them. If he had told me things would have turned out differently. I loved him enough that it did not matter. I loved the entire person and that is what counts. You will find someone but pick wisely who you decide to tell. Invest time in a friendship and then build from there. There are so many options still available for you to have a family and there is no need to give up on dating. I think I have waited long enough and this summer I plan to let my hair down but I will take my time before I go to the next level and choose wisely who I tell.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156904 - 07/07/05 01:22 AM

It can be done, I have walked in your shoes and I have a beautiful four-year-old daughter to prove this. I settled down with someone who was a friend first and knew about my HIV status the whole time. I am a long-term survivor (over 20 years) and struggle with all of life's ups and downs. HIV is a magnifier; the bad seems desperate and the good shines bright. Here's the best advice I have for you.

TRY! Try to live as though you will have a full and healthy life. Do not abuse your body with alcohol and drugs, the HIV medications will be enough. Don't spend your money like a fool because you think you won't be around to pay the bills, you will need that money to raise your children. Listen to your doctors advice, but make sure you have a doctor you trust, will answer all your questions and listen to all your concerns. TAKE ALL YOUR MEDICINES ON TIME AND AS DIRECTED. This will be the biggest key to success.

OK, so you were not looking for the basics right? Well, it is a lot harder to have a successful relationship if you are not healthy (physically, mentally, spiritually and financially). There are so many people around you that are dealing with troubles. It is important to realize that there will always be people who are better off than you and there will always people that are worse off. You can be a victim or you can be a champion. You now have greater challenges, but we only grow stronger by overcoming challenges.

Yes, there are things that can be done to have kids that are healthy. The most important thing to remember is that if the mother is HIV negative, the children will be HIV negative too. Be careful, use condoms. Use your medicine right and you will have less virus to pose risks to your partner.

There are no guarantees in life...for anyone. Take your time and focus on being the best person you can possibly become and you will draw the right woman to you. Honestly, making yourself a stronger healthier person will be harder part than finding the right woman and figuring out how to have healthy children.

Best of luck,

AM in California



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boi
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids affordability of washing sperm new
      #156907 - 07/07/05 06:24 AM

from boi

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156910 - 07/07/05 09:06 AM

Six months ago I was married to the most wonderful man, a man of strength, compassion, warmth, and a spirit that shines bright as the stars, a man who has been HIV+ for 21 years. Like you he spent many years keeping his health status a secret and believing that there was not an opportunity for love and family. I am not HIV+ and if someone had said to me that the man I would love and marry would be I would have told them they were nuts but God works in mysterious ways and I met and fell in love with the man first and when I learned about his status it wasn't an issue for us.

We are truly blessed and as happy as can be and we look forward to a long and wonderful life together.

J & M

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156911 - 07/07/05 09:52 AM

John John,
All I can do is echo some of the thoughts expressed here. I am not HIV+ but am married to a man who is. I fell in love with him in spite of it. Some states require that you disclose or you will be charged with reckless conduct by HIV-just to make that clear. You are not obligated to tell anyone that you date that you are +. Get to know someone well- make friends. You can express your romantic interest but keep things friendly until you're sure you're ready to disclose. Hopefully, the least she can do is not disclose to anyone else but hopefully she will consider it. I did. I had to address my own fears. Even as a nurse, I sought outside help to understand the do's and don'ts. I did have to decide whether I could live with the POSSIBILITY that if something went wrong that I could LIVE WITH my choice. I decided I could. We did have an incident where I thought I may have been exposed and thankfully(GOD) I was not. My husband did not allow us to become intimate without telling me. He didn't deprive me of my choice. That's the MOST important thing you can do for her.
My husband and I are looking into sperm washing. He has a child from a previous marriage pre-diagnosis. I have none. Sperm washing is really expensive but worth it to me. Anybody know where the best place to go. I live in Georgia. Anyway, don't give up. I am very involved in his care. He doesn't miss appointments and is presently not on any meds and has been + 16 years. He has been on them before but not on any for a year and a half now. He works out and eats relatively healthy and has SPIRITUAL foundation. You need that because people WILL juge you. God is the most important component for my husband because he is also co-infected with Hep C. He has had no problems and does not require any treatment for his Hep C. God is in control.
At the end of the day, I have the best husband in the world and I would lay down my life for him if I could but we take our precautions because it would do no good for us both to be positive. Take care of your self first. Get your body, mind and spirit together first and who knows WHO might come along for you. That's a recipe for anyone + or -.

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stefsorg
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156914 - 07/07/05 12:10 PM

Hello to the lady who has a 4 yr old and has been poz 20 yrs. I am poz a little over 6 yrs, live in ca also, have a neg husband, and think about having a baby probally 3 times a day but don't want to compromise my child's future. Over the last 20 yrs how has life been for you, what are you thoughts on the future, what has gotten you through this, have you ever been sick. I have to start meds by the end of the yr. I know suppossively they are much better, is it true. Is your baby neg? To the man who started the post, you can still have kids through sperm washing which you've probally researched also there's adoption. I have thought about the latter for myself. Well i would love to hear your thoughts.

Stef

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poznsocal
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156926 - 07/07/05 01:08 PM

It IS possible to find love and a redeeming relationship, regardless of HIV status. HIV just adds another aspect to you as a person. Be honest about your status to prospective partners. You don't have to tell them right out front, unless you want to, but you should definitely tell them before it progresses to sex. There are a lot of HIV positive people who go on numerous dates before disclosing, this could work for you. Some, like myself, prefer to get it out of the way as soon as possible. Others only date other HIV'ers. There are some that don't disclose their status until after the other person "falls" for them, often times after sex. Where and when to disclose is a very personal choice.

It seems that you're still dealing with the depression that goes along with being infected. I strongly urge you to seek help with this. There are numerous support groups by and for HIV positive people, please seek one out if you haven't already. In the early days of the epidemic the disease itself killed people left and right. Nowadays, the medications are able to keep us alive for years and years. The problem comes with the depression, which still kills people at alarming rates.

Now, on to the fatherhood issue. The good news is you can still father children with your own sperm, and keep the mother safe from infection. The bad news, it can be expensive. The HIV specialist I see has one patient with three or four children, all of whom were conceived AFTER he was infected, and without exposing his wife to the virus. Another option HIV'ers explore is adopting children. There are plenty of kids out there right now who need parents. Some of these children are already positive, and can use a good role model.

I would recommend talking to your doctor or case manager about HIV support groups, as well as whatever fertility/parenting options open to you. Whatever path you decide to follow, just remember that any man can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a Dad.

Feel free to email me at poznsocal@hotmail.com

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amakolo
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156953 - 07/08/05 11:42 AM

I have a close friend that is also positive. She lost her husband a few months ago , he was positive and they got married without doing the test. She loves kids. The greatest pain of her live is the thought of never been able to have a child. She is very healthy though, her cd4 count is 1024. She never knew of her husband's status until she was in the marriage, the marriage lasted for a year before he died. I think I would like you to meet my best friend, Annie, she is such a pretty lady.
Where do you live? I'll like to link up with you. Let me know if you are interested. here is my email. amakolo@cgiar.org. I work in an International Institute of Agriculture in Nigeria.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Wanting kids new
      #156966 - 07/08/05 01:31 PM

you know there are lots of positive women who would love to meet positive guys to have children with! WHy don't you go to a social group or something. There is no reason to be alone!


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