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crest
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having unprotected sex with guy that has multiple partners
#269107 - 11/20/12 05:05 PM
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I was having a hard time finding information that really laid out the risks involved in this type of situation. I know the risks are great and I should not be involved with this person or engaging in this type of sex behavior. I have been trying to explain to him how risky his behavior is and it would help to find sources to back me up. If anyone reads this please feel free to tell me how stupid I have been and anything that may help me be firm with ending this activity. When I was tested last I was HIV negative and I have had 3 sexual partners in the last 25 years with this individual being one of them. He was recently released from a Ca. state prison and has been incarcerated times before. Because the prison system has begun testing and grouping HiV positive inmates separately, he uses these test to know his personal standing. He also foolishly believes that anytime his blood is drawn i.e. hospital emergency room, etc that they are automatically going to test him and if they don't say anything then he must be o.k. He is dealing drugs and is a drug user. His drug use and sex are closely interrelated. He has unprotected sex every time he has sex but for whatever reason is infertile so pregnancy isn't a factor that would convince him to use condoms. I believe he has a sexual addiction. He has unprotected vaginal and anal sex with women who are prostitutes and or IV drug users. I try to tell him that if a woman he just met doesn't care whether or not he uses a condom does he believe she will make the next guy? I don't know if he has sex with men or TS but he associates and sells drugs to many and we live in San Francisco. Yes, I am stupid to be having sex with this person and unlike some things it is never too late to start protecting myself because I'm sure he will try to say that since we have been doing this for some time it wont make a difference and of course when he was released he was tested. But what he doesn't understand or want to believe is that he is putting me at risk for a lot more than HIV because he is actively having unprotected sex with multiple people and these partners most likely have multiple partners. Am I crazy?
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BrianM
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No, you're not crazy. You're clearly aware and educated on the risks you're taking. I think the real question is, what is the real source of your anxiety? Is it the physical risk or is it the emotional attachment? To answer this, you need to determine the source of your own addiction. Is it one of boundary pushing, risk taking, or living on the edge? Or is it an interpersonal one of wanting to be with him romantically, irrespective of the physical risks involved?
Remove HIV from the equation, from the world altogether, and picture your relationship with him in your mind. How do you feel? Does it seem okay to engage in the same practices with him? Would you continue with it indefinitely? What is it that you're hoping to find or, more importantly, hoping to feel? What do you want to get out of it? Is it an exclusive relationship?
Now put HIV back into the equation and ask the same questions. If the answers are the same, then you are leaning toward an emotional addiction that may be begging for more than he is giving you at this time. It's not merely lust that is attracting you to him but something else that involves any number of possibilities - wanting something you can't have, tackling a personal reformation project, just wanting to know the truth about what he does when he's not with you, or you're plainly in love.
If the answers are not the same, and you feel great anxiety when you imagine pushing that sexual boundary into positive territory, then I think you have to look into yourself for the reason why it's acceptable that you're engaging in this risky behavior. You have to decide what constitutes an acceptable risk. Each of us comes to grips, over time, with the amount of responsibility we want to (and have to) take for our own physical lives and for future lives that we get involved with. Some of us with addiction don't fully realize what we can or can't live with until the result is permanent. I'm not the one to tell you to cease the activity altogether, but if you've done it thus far, nobody but you can make you stop. Ultimately, remember, sexual risk and emotional risk are not mutually exclusive so you'll have to factor both into the decision of how you want to continue (or end) your association with him.
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riverprincess
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Ok I will not express my reply as eloquently as Brian di touching on all the isses that intermingle with each other .
What kind of games are you and your " gentleman " playing. Can I be blunt, First off I and my hubby were in prison. They do NOT separate pos from neg , that is ellegal , discriminating and dangerous. Second neither of us were given blod test before being realeased. Actually hubby was test once before a previous lock up before making bail, and yes we knew we were pos and no the system did not get in touch to inform of his pos status. So I don't know what your choosing to believe but let me say you are playing with some serious fire. Perhaps you feel you not worthy of a stable relationship . I knew in my addiction that I wasn't but hubby and I have been clean for 18 years now and both pos for over 20 . And at the rate your going , you too will be in the charts of those infected . I'm sure you are a caring person with many wonderful qualities, so please give your life a chance and get real before , if it isn't already , too late.
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Deboyfaing
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There is a huge risk involved in having unprotected sex with someone who have had multiple sex partners. Maybe you should start considering the idea of protecting yourself during sexual intercourse.
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