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First Dating Disclosure... SCARED> Help?
#264313 - 07/04/12 06:02 PM
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I'm a guy... and out of the blue I a guy with whom I really connected. It went farther than I planned and lots of kissing was involved. Lots. No risky behavior though, altho there was fondling and near-nude cuddling. I have not disclosed and am so sacred. Even though I haven't put him at risk I'm afraid he will freak out. I honestly tried to resist any interaction, but he was very forward and didn't take no for an answer. Advice?
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kicker
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Reged: 10/25/10
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Posts: 760
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Loc: GA, USA
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Tell him now and if he freaks then his loss your gain. (Cause you won't waste time with an ass.) If he doesn't great win win.
If you wait to tell him you will have invested time, energy, and money into dating someone who may or may not be able to accept your positive status. Your call really.
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cekchuck
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Reged: 09/28/10
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Posts: 2
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I'm sorry you're going through this fear and anxiety. It can get better depending on how you deal with it, based on my experience at least.
I've tried many paths, and the one I've settled on is disclosing very early on while dating. Yes, you will face some rejections. You will face some people who are relieved, because they are poz too. And you will find a lot of "negative" people who are just okay with it too.
Waiting (several weeks to months) until you have built a strong emotional bond can be the most painful time to discover that someone, for whatever reason, is not capable of being in a relationship with a poz person.
I want to and deserve to find someone who will love me just as I am, which happens to be HIV+. Those who can't because of my status are just one more on the list of unacceptable partnersfor me. But you'd be surprised, the overlap between those who meet the other qualities that I desire (intelligence, compassion, emotionally mature, capable of intimacy) and those who can't accept a poz status is very small.
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bearby
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Reged: 07/29/09
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Loc: Alabama
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Honey I think you might still be in denial by being afraid to be honest with him and just tell him ( I know that I myself was in denial of my own diagnosis for many year's until one day I decided it was high time I began dealing with this " disease " and called the local hospital and got an apointment had the poz determination confirmed and there I was forced to deal with it but then I was after all dealing with it on MY term's )
I mean i wish I have had the option to tell my husband of now 27 year's on my own term's but alas he stayed in the hospital room with me when the doctor brought the news and just walked out leaving me stunned and had it not been for my husband I'd more than likely have killed myself over such a severe diagnosis.
But yet here I am going on 20+ year's poz having gotten a disgnosis of AIDs in 2001 yet he's still here with me trying to learn so I can LIVE a full happy life with him .
Besides he need's to be made aware of your poz status before things get to the hot and heavy stage's where common sense usualy goes out the window and protection is usualy the last thing on either of your mind's !
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iam1
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Reged: 06/17/09
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Loc: Georgia
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The other answers are great, but everyone is missing a little bit ---
If you disclose early and he's got a brain and is accepting then things will go well for as long as they can.
If you disclose late he MAY take issue with the fact that in his mind you have tried hiding something major from him. And, if you tried to hide that from him what else are you hiding. (Not that there can usually be too much else this major!)
Be honest from the beginning. It may loose you some small-minded idiots, but you won't be wasting your time with them. Noone is worth wasting your time over. And, everyone deserves honesty. Besides, there won't be this time of uncertainty your dealing with.
Has anyone mentioned that stress is the biggest killer of people in the developed world these days. In one form or another it'll get you if you let it!
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Hello I am female and something similar with a guy that I have been going out.... we started getting more personal, but i stoped him and told him...... he said he had a lot to think about.... I was really scared.... but is better if you do it now rather than later...... Good luck.
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NewfieBear
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Reged: 07/06/12
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Hi, what I usually do prior to chatting with someone online about sexual relations.
First, I invite them out for a coffee and a chat. Go somewhere that is not a high traffic area. Choose an area that is private then you can talk freely. If that doesn`t work you can always go get the coffee and then go to a nearby park to sit, drink your coffee and chat. This way you are both at ease.
Secondly I would ask him or her what they are into sexually. Do you like vanilla sex or wild kinky sex.
Thirdly, I like to swing the topic on safer sex. Then I ask them Do you use condoms all of the time, 50/50, or don`t use them. If there is hesitation in their answer then it`s a sign that they are not going to give you a true answer. This is what I would call a red flag situation. If interested, please proceed with caution. This would be a good time to ask some basic questions like:
- Have you ever had a HIV test?
- If yes, when was your last HIV test?
- Have you ever been tested for an STI?
- Have you ever had an STI?
- How frequently do you get STI tested?
- Are you a sexually active person? If yes, how many times per week are you sexually active?
- Do you have regular sex buddies or are these one night stands?
For me personally, I will only disclose my HIV status if I find the guy/girl attractive and if I am about to have sex with him/her. As a human being I feel it`s my duty and right to disclose so the individual has a choice about having sex with me or not. This is something that I myself, have come to terms with. My experiences when I have done this have been great for the most part. A lot of guy/guys thanked me for telling them and then they would ask me about safer sex practices. I myself have decided every since the HIV Disclosure/Non-Disclosure Law has developed in Ontario, to practice Sero-Sorting. So what I have been doing is rejecting guys/girls who are HIV negative for their own safety and for my own safety. I have actually speaking to a Criminal Defense lawyer about getting a waiver/legal document developed for my sex partners to sign that I have disclosed to them my HIV positive status before having any sexual relations. I like to think ahead because I find individuals can be funny at times. My experiences have been that guy/girls say one minute that they are okay with me being HIV positive and then the next minute I find that they are not okay with it because something bad happened to them in their life and they are looking for someone to blame. So they could call the police and say that you didn`t disclose to them about your HIV status. If you don`t have proof like a witness, save emails that you have disclosed to them or a sign legal document. You could actually get charged with aggravated assault. This is why I am becoming pro-active about the HIV Disclosure issue and having everything documented and legally stand up in court as my defense.
Okay this is just a suggestion, I would talk to your doctor or health care provider about your situation and they could/might provide you with information on how you can ease this person`s that it was low risk activity. Also if you have an HIV/AIDS organization in your area their might be someone there you can speak to about your issue as well.
I hope this helps you.
--------------------
Tom aka NewfieBear 
Email: [e-mail]newfieguy46@gmail.com[/e-mail]
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Dating has been the biggest challenge for me since being diagnosed. For a long time I was content to be alone. Now I'm realizing how tough it is to carry my "baggage". To my surprise there are many HIV+ speed dating groups, HIV+ dating websites and some gay bars even have a designated happy hour type support group to meet others. What a relief to know that the HIV issue is already on the table before you get "into" anything.
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But I don't want to limit myself to only date pos people.
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razorcut
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Reged: 09/05/12
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Loc: Iowa
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Good morning Tom,
First I want to say WOW! What great advise you just gave. I totally agree with you about everything you have said. It is nice to see that people on here can give sound and great advice. I am so glad I have found this website. I am very sad that it has to be this way about the legal stuff but in any event it is best to be straight forward and to protect yourself legally as well as with a condom. People can change their mind in a heart beat and the next thing you know you could be looking out behind jail walls. I admire you and if you would ever like to chat let me know. Sincerely, ~~~William
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