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My dad has HIV, but he doesn't know I now know......
#263755 - 06/14/12 12:48 AM
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Well, I just recently found out my gay dad is HIV positive, but he doesn't know that I know. I was over at his house recently (my parents are divorced) (im 18, he's 50) and I opened 1 drawer, which I had no clue was his medicine cabinet, saw all these prescription bottles, deep down I knew what was up. I did not want to assume here, so I looked up HIV meds and confirmed what I was thinking was really right. What would be the best way to let him know I know? Im really worried and concerned about him, now way more than I was before. I want him to know i'm here for him.. I have this gut feeling he's ashamed about having HIV, its kinda obvious when I noticed that all of his prescription bottles are from our local pharmacy, except the 2 HIV meds, which are from an order online and we ship it to you place... I realize he's going through a lot, and I don't want to end up making things worse for him....
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Hey there. I'm sorry to hear about your dad's status, but it sounds like he is doing pretty well. Let me explain what may be actually going on.
It's natural to be shocked over such a discovery, but it actually sounds like your dad is doing pretty well. It sounds like he is taking his meds, is managing his health well, and is looking after himself in a discrete, dignified way. It's likely that he is ordering his HAART meds via mailorder because it's usually more reliable and cheaper than physical runs to the drug store - there may not be a shame factor in this at all, or at least not on the level you may be imagining it as. He may have been living with this for years or even decades and is very well adjusted.
My advice is to use this opportunity to get close to your dad and show him that you love him unconditionally and that you are there for him no matter what. I would not confront him with this, but instead use this as a catapult to deepen your relationship. As that happens and as time goes by, and he sees that you are accepting of him and there for him, he may come out to you about his status and what he has been dealing with. I think it's important to respect his privacy, but let him know that you accept him however he is and show him that in action.
Being a father of three, and now being positive, I think I may have a bit of an insight as to how your dad feels about this. He's likely not trying to deceive you or anyone. He's probably just keeping a healthy dose of privacy and dignity as well as not wanting to worry you. By you being there for him and deepening your relationship with him, you are giving him even more incentive to stick to his meds and keep himself healthy. Maybe you can even become jogging or workout buddies. Spend time with him, let him be the one to decide whether to disclose or not.
I hope my words make sense to you. Being concerned for your parent is natural and healthy, but there's a good chance that he is doing well and that your relationship can and does help him stay healthy and get through his days with a smile on his face. My advice is to respect his privacy and be there for him. I'm sure it will work out very well for you both.
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riverprincess
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Reged: 12/25/11
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Well put Thailand. Also please understand that your dad not disclosing is a personal choice that we all gone through. And like myself I don't let all ppeople know. Not because I'm hiding it but because I see no need to let others worry unnecessarily. Many familiy individuals choose not to say anything because they don't want them to fret. Just love him and respect his desision. Like Thailand said , he's doing well and let it be as he wants it. Who knows the time may come when he decides to tell you , and you'll already know how to handle it . But that timing is all up to him.
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Letstalk
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Reged: 04/30/12
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The 2 HIV meds may be from a mail order pharmacy. That is the way that a lot of HIV meds are distributed. That is how I have received my HIV meds for years. I also keep all of my HIV meds in a shoebox, just so I automatically know where they are and when they are running low. So your dad may not be making an effort to hide the medicines. This is just normal for people not to leave their meds sitting out in the open.
I used to sometimes get a glass of water and take my medicines in front of other people just to see what their reactions would be. It actually bothered me that people pretended that they did not notice that I was taking medicine in front of them, so that made me uncomfortable. It might actually help your dad if you talk to him about his medicine. The medicine has a lot of side effects so it might help him just to be able to share that information with you.
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Francis1211
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Reged: 06/04/11
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Hi, Here is an insight from a poz dad:
I have not disclosed my status to my (almost adult) children, am going through a divorce right now and doing excellent on meds and healthwise. I have not disclosed to anyone actually because I fear stigma and rejection. I want to stay a dad, be there for my family and live a happy life. I probably will tell my children one day because they are the closest family members I have but first want to "stabilize" my relation with them in this new situation. I guess that if my wife had accepted and forgiven my mistakes, we would have been two to face this issue and tell the children but now I have to manage on my own and make the best choices according to my own judgement. And being discreet about this to protect myself and my esteem is the most appropriate option at this stage. I am sure that my children would sympathize and be there as a support to me but on the other hand I do not want to raise any worries, when there is none since healthwise I am doing excellently.
I sugges that you simply stay on good terms with him, accept that he made this choice and be prepared for the day when he does tell you, if that day ever comes...
Francis
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healthy undetectable str8 married male
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masosa
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Reged: 12/06/12
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I agree with u not letting your dad know u know. I'm struggling right now with telling my kids even though I haven't coped because of everyone else trying to tell them first. It should be me and in my own time but I'm being pressured to tell. Love your dad and wait for him to reveal.
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