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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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AtWitsEnd
Newbie

Reged: 05/10/11
Posts: 1
So frustrated-please help
      #255587 - 05/10/11 01:01 PM

My partner and I have been together for over 12 years. I knew he was HIV pos going into it-I didn't care. I love him. Lately, its becoming hard to do so. I'm HIV negative, btw.

For years I begged him to see a doctor, he never did. That is, until he became symptomatic approx 1.5 years ago. Since that time he's been in and out of hospitals. By the time he started treatment his counts put him in the "aids" category. Now, with meds, his viral load is undectable. His CD4s could be better, but they are rising-slowly, but rising.

My concern/issue is of the emotional nature. I'm not even sure where to start so if I ramble, please forgive me.

He blames me for everything. He's verbally abusive, emotionally distant, and has been physical with me a time or two. I put up with it because I can't imagine what he's going through. I try to tell myself that I'm strong for standing by his side, and tell myself that the reason for his behavior is his inability to cope. No one knows his status but me, I bear the brunt of it all. When I mention this, I'm accused of being selfish. My life concerns are meaningless; when I have a bad day and try to talk about it, the response I get is usually, "Well at least you're not dying". He says he doesn't resent me, but I don't believe it. I have stood by him for years-at home, in the hospital, in the ER, at doctor's visits--and yet he thinks I'm selfish.

He's becoming a bit of a hypochondriac, at least I think so. Examples: a stomach ache means he's in liver failure from his meds. A headache means he has a brain tumor. Rosacea and acne mean that he has kaposi's sarcoma. Ankle pain is bone cancer. A cold sore is Steven Johnson's syndrome (recently started lamictal)-I'm exhausted. I love him, but no matter what I do or say, its never right.

I'm a nurse. He asks my opinion, and when I give it he never believes me. If I try to be objective he thinks I don't care and am belittling his opinion. If I try to be caring/affectionate it scares him. I can't win for losing. When I don't say anything at all, knowing what will happen if I do, then that means I don't care.

Approx 1.5 weeks ago he had a psych eval, was diagnosed with OCD and bipolar. She started him on lamictal. He's been taking it for just over a week. He was told to be aware of any rashes that may develop as a side effect. As a nurse, I knew that he was referring to Steven Johnson syndrome (rare but possibly fatal). So the watch for rashes began. This morning we both woke up with cold sores--cold sores. I told him, its a cold sore, I have one too! No big deal. His response was to call his doctor, freaking out, thinking he had SJ syndrome. He wouldn't believe me. They told him what else to look for, so now we'll be on SJ watch for weeks.

He's hit me, cheated on me, called me a studpid effing bit**, thrown me out. I've stood by it, trying to rationalize his actions, thinking they were due to his disease. For 12 years. I'm tired. So tired. Sometimes I want to leave, but that would make me insensitive, and fulfill his prophecy.

Am I really being selfish?

Thanks for letting me vent



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DaveSF
Newbie

Reged: 01/14/09
Posts: 14
Loc: San Francisco, CA
Re: So frustrated-please help new
      #255608 - 05/12/11 02:46 PM

Hi,

I was touched by your message. It seems like you have gone far above and beyond what anyone should have to accept in a relationship. I can't tell you whether to leave or not - only you can decide that - but personally, I wouldn't stay in what is obviously an abusive relationship.

Having HIV doesn't give someone any right to treat their partner with abuse. Heck, if anything, those of us with. HIV should appreciate our partners even more! I've been living ei HIV myself for almost 30 years, and my partner is negative. I am thankful every single day that he in in my life, and I wouldn't think of being abusive.

I obviously don't know you or your partner, but it seems like he's got some serious issues with which he meds to deal. The fact that he spent years knowing he had a deadly (if untreated) disease which requires treatment, and yet he chose to ignore it until his immune system was so ravaged that he became ill, makes me think that there are self-esteem or other issues there. And it seems that rather than valuing you for your love and support, he wants to control you through guilt and threats into staying in a relationship that isn't giving you the love and fidelity that you deserve.

You only get to live once. Don't spent more years with someone who doesn't respect or appreciate you, you deserve better. And your partner will never learn that he can't treat his partner abusively if you continue to let him do so.

Let me know if I can help.

Dave

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Firedancer
Newbie

Reged: 05/12/11
Posts: 1
Re: So frustrated-please help new
      #255609 - 05/12/11 03:16 PM

Babe loving someone that is full of anger is more work then humans can do with out help. He is not helping. Leave and save yourself and love someone that can love back.

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CounselorGirl
Newbie

Reged: 05/16/11
Posts: 2
Loc: Georgia
Re: So frustrated-please help new
      #255681 - 05/16/11 03:36 PM

Dear At Wits End,
You didn't get the responses you were looking for but I think you might now. If you reread your post, you already know the answer. You articulated it quite well. What you want is permission. You have permission. You chose to be a nurse to care for others. This person is abusing your good heart. Leave while there is anything left of you. Whether or not he has HIV or you do or don't is irrelevant at this point. Take care of yourself or you will be no good to anyone. I wish you all the strength you can muster.

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LuvMyBrother
Newbie

Reged: 05/21/11
Posts: 4
Re: So frustrated-please help new
      #255794 - 05/21/11 05:00 PM

I have never been in a situation like yours but regardless of his status... It doesnt give him a right to treat you like that. Its not fair to you to be treated so poorly. He obviously doesnt appreciate you and doesnt realize that you are going through it with him. That the whole thing affects you too... Dont stay in an abusive(emotionally or physically) relationship for someone else... You still need to be happy too. I wish you the best of luck in your situation

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hpngandpryng
Newbie

Reged: 08/28/11
Posts: 4
Re: So frustrated-please help new
      #257706 - 09/20/11 09:04 PM

I have to agree with the responses you're receiving - you're obviously an intelligent woman, with a good heart. Take a look at what you're saying, take your heart out of the equation, what advice would you give to a woman in your situation?

Abuse is abuse, whether the abuser is ill or not.

I wish you the best, and the courage to do the right thing - and I'll add you into my prayers -


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hpngandpryng
Newbie

Reged: 08/28/11
Posts: 4
Re: So frustrated-please help new
      #257708 - 09/20/11 09:43 PM

I was on Facebook, and one of my friends post this, and I though of your post that I had just read -

We need to teach our daughters to distinguish between a man who flatters her and a man who compliments her, a man who spends money on her and a man who invests in her, a man who views her as property and a man who views her properly, a man who lusts after her and a man who loves her, a man who believes he is God's gift to women and a man who remembers that a woman was God's gift to man. Repost ... Too good not to pass on.

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begladtohelp
Member

Reged: 06/16/11
Posts: 10
Re: So frustrated-please help new
      #257764 - 09/22/11 11:08 PM

What are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like has manipulated you into believing you are selfish but are you really? It sounds like he might be both angry over the fact that he is sick and jealous of the fact that you are not. It might sound like a selfish question but are you better off with him or without him? Has he shown any evidence that he has taken any responsibility for his treatment or is he too busy blaming the world for his illness? Many men would not see your actions as nothing less of totally unselfish...the man who you are with never sees as anything as being enough because he isn't cured.lease stop feeling guilty and try offering to someone who can appreciate you. I thin you will see yourself in a much improved light. Best ofluck. You sound like a swell guy.
Al

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