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Reged: 01/26/11
Posts: 2
Loc: Louisiana
My HIV+ boyfriend is afraid to be intimate...
      #254003 - 01/26/11 06:11 PM

I am with a man whom I love very very much. He is perfect. My ex-husband was abusive and controlling but my current boyfriend was always there for me as a friend and now we are finally able to be together. Because of all the "trauma" caused by my marriage I used to feel that my life was over even though I am only 25 but my boyfriend has made everything change.
Our problem is that he is HIV+ and he is so scared that he will infect me that he barely kisses me. We've both been through a lot and I think we both deserve to have a good relationship and although I could never help him half as much as he has helped me I want to make him happy.
He is on meds and very healthy but he is just so pessimistic about his future. Even my aunt, who tested + over 20 years ago and is in better health than me, can't make him see that he can live a normal life.
I feel so bad for him because I know how scared he is and that he feels guilty for something that isn't his fault. Before he found out that he was positive he infected the woman he was with before me and he blames himself a lot. He doesn't blame the woman who infected him, only himself. But he is an intelligent man and he knows that the two of us could have a safe sex life, but he is too afraid. I just don't know what to do or what to say or how to be patient.
Of course I appreciate that he is only trying to protect me but I went with him to the doctor and heard the doctor explain how we could be intimate and still safe so why is he scared when I am not?
Also, I feel like I am being selfish and that I might be putting pressure on him when I don't mean to, but we've been together for 18 months and I've known him since I was a kid so I am getting impatient. And I KNOW how wrong I am for that but that is how I feel.
There is no way I am giving up on him because he is everything to me, but I would like to be able to be close with him and I am certain that he would be happier if he wasn't so afraid.

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Reged: 12/02/10
Posts: 69
Loc: South
Re: My HIV+ boyfriend is afraid to be intimate... new
      #254026 - 01/28/11 01:45 AM

Hi Madeleine....your post moved me. My advice would be to keep talking to him and helping him to get help from a therapist to be able to deal with his situation . I understand how bad hemust feel about infecting someone else, but he has to forgive himself since he did not do it intentionally. For you, it will be difficult and you will have to be very patient and understanding and supportive. In the end, he has to decide to LIVE....he can and will if he chooses to. It would be best for him to go to counseling and support groups and do research together on poz/neg couples. For you, I applaud you for loving so hard and believing again after your own experiences. Never give up on love if it is TRUE and REAL...anything worth having is worth waiting for. Just always remember to love yourself as deserve it. Take care and good luck.

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Reged: 03/10/11
Posts: 2
Re: My HIV+ boyfriend is afraid to be intimate... new
      #254730 - 03/10/11 09:49 PM

Hi. I am in the very same boat that you are in. I am so confused at times. He is hiv + and I am -. I understand the risk etc and we talk all the time.. my problem is how do I cope with not having sex?? I want to be so intament with him but he doesn't want to because of the risk. He says that he has lost all intrest in sex. And I can understand why. And I love and care for this man so much we have fun with each other and with my children. But at times I feel as tho I need more but just cant have it from him. SO maybe talking about it with someone else will help me understand more....

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