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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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bromie
Newbie

Reged: 10/26/10
Posts: 2
Do i Stay or Go?
      #252770 - 10/27/10 07:31 PM

So I'm new to this site and really the whole serodiscordant relationship. My situation is a tough one, like all of them reported on this site.

I started dating my current boyfriend about 6 months ago. Things started off very casually but we rapidly grew closer and closer. Way to fast we were having sex without condoms. Two months into the relationship I went to get tested, just my usual 6 month one, and the result came back negative. My boyfriend tested later that afternoon and his results came back positive. I went completely numb when i heard. I was really numb to the situation for two reasons: One, I wanted to be something stable and strong for him since he was having a really hard time coping with the news; and two, cause I honestly had no idea how to cope with the news myself. I've been back both at month 3 and 5 of our relationship to be retested and its come back negative again.
After his results sex was difficult, we've been working our way back to being intimate again but this time with condoms. I top primarily now though I have bottomed in the past. The only reason I bring this up is to say that I'm pretty sure I've been safe as possible which brings me to my issue.

I love the guy, I honestly do. But I also want kids, I also don't want to contract HIV, and I want to feel comfortable with my partner intimately. I have all of these questions about what're correct practices, whats my chances of contracting HIV, what are my chances of ever adopting a child, let alone the idea of serogacy. Now that he's starting to feel more comfortable about his situation, I'm starting to be able to look inside and ask, am i actually prepared for this? Can I handle this? We're trying to get into counseling because I really don't just want to throw a great relationship away but any advice that anyone has I would really appreciate.

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bartlebyAdministrator
Admin

Reged: 01/19/10
Posts: 660
Re: Do i Stay or Go? new
      #252792 - 10/28/10 01:58 PM

choosing to stay or go is up to you, of course. but if you wanted to, you could have a very fulfilling relationship regardless of his status.

here is a good factsheet about Mixed-status couples. You can also see Dr. Bob's forum on Magnetic Couples, where you can also ask him your own questions.

hope this helps! good luck!

--------------------
Bartleby at The Body
Bulletin Board Administrator

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Tee78
Newbie

Reged: 10/31/10
Posts: 5
Re: Do i Stay or Go? new
      #252843 - 11/01/10 12:04 AM

Hey, i am new to this site as well & i have a very similar situation. Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a yr & a half & he was diagnois pos. last month. My first test came back neg. i go back in 3 months to test again. We currently live together & were even talking about getting married. Like you i have so many questions now about the future. I do care about him but this month has been very difficult for both of us. I really want to make it work, just don't know if i am strong enough to get thru it, espcially not knowing if i will test neg or pos when i test again.

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bromie
Newbie

Reged: 10/26/10
Posts: 2
Re: Do i Stay or Go? new
      #252879 - 11/02/10 06:37 PM

Tee78,

I can really sympathize for the kind of stress that you must be going through right now. Those three months after finding out my boyfriend was positive were extremely difficult. I do hope that it comes back negative but until then I think the best thing that you can do is find someone to talk to about it.
I went the first two months or so without talking to anyone about what was going on inside my head. I was afraid to talk to my partner because he was so emotionally sensitive and I was scared to talk to my friends. This was out of a mixture of fear that they would judge me, and I didn't want to share my boyfriends status with someone he wasn't comfortable with.
The first time I was able to talk about it with someone was a huge HUGE relief. I remember not saying very much of anything coherent. It was pretty much just word vomit.
But it felt good to just talk. If you do want to make it work you're gonna have to talk to someone. Once you get past the test well then we're in the same boat. So if that time comes and you have some great advice, you just let me know ok.

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Lizh1
Newbie

Reged: 09/24/10
Posts: 6
Re: Do i Stay or Go? new
      #253011 - 11/08/10 02:22 PM

Hi Bromie,

First off, I am sorry to hear about the stress you are having about this situation. As a - person who has just ended a 3 yr relationship with a + partner I understand some of what you are going through.

I am glad you are investigating counseling which will help you think about the issues that are going on for you now. Safe intimacy is of course incredibly important if you are going to continue, and being able to talk clearly about what you are both comfortable with is really key. I hope that your partner is opting for going on a meds regimen to suppress his viral load since there seems to be a lot of evidence this greatly reduces transmission risk. http://www.aidsmap.com/page/1429357/ From your post I wasn't sure if you were male or female, but this is an interesting story about conception with a + partner http://www.aidsmap.com/page/1425555/

Hang in there.

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PieMan
Newbie

Reged: 11/04/10
Posts: 3
Re: Do i Stay or Go? new
      #253039 - 11/09/10 06:19 PM

Hi Bromie.

I like you am negative and my partner is positive. However she has been positive for 5 years and explained her HIV status before we had any sexual intamacy. sex is fantastic (always safe)
Words cannot explain how much respect and love I have for her.
My partner also has a twelve year old daughter from a previous relationship, who is her world..
All I can say is. You can only do what feels rite for you. Look after yourself first, mentally and physically. Follow your dreams.

Hope it all works out for the both of you..(Stay Safe)

JD

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JDCinSeattle
Newbie

Reged: 11/11/10
Posts: 3
Re: Do i Stay or Go? new
      #253073 - 11/11/10 03:19 PM

This is a really tough situation. I'm HIV+ and went through this with a negative guy last year. I was head over heels in love with him and it hurt like hell when he decided it was too complicated. Still, I got over it and moved on.

One thing to think about is at what risk you'll be for seroconverting in any relationship. In this relationship, you'll probably be the safest you'll ever be, as long as you continue to practice safer sex. A lot of guys move to barebacking once a relationship is established. It feels better and there is an assumption of monogamy. Problem is that guys are guys and approx. 50% of them will have sex with someone else, and there's a good chance he won't use a condom then as well. If he takes that risk and you're barebacking in your relationship, you have no control over possible exposure to HIV.

Because we know that safer sex practices work 99% of the time, your partner's serostatus forces you guys to be vigilant about safer sex. In a funny way, you're actually safer staying in the relationship.

The other good thing these days is that your partner can expect to live to old age now, with the improvement in technology and medications. My doc says I can expect to live till I'm 70, perhaps beyond. That seems like a good lifespan to me. So go ahead and adopt and build a life with this man. I'm confident that, if your mind is open, you can work this out and it will be a bump in the road you move past.

-James C in Seattle

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JDCinSeattle
Newbie

Reged: 11/11/10
Posts: 3
Re: Do i Stay or Go? new
      #253075 - 11/11/10 03:25 PM

Hi Tee78,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation too. This is such a difficult issue, and so complicated. I can only imagine how hard it is to wrap your head around it.

Take a look at the reply I posted to the original posting. I hope my thoughts will help you sort this out.

-James C in Seattle

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JDCinSeattle
Newbie

Reged: 11/11/10
Posts: 3
Re: Do i Stay or Go? new
      #253076 - 11/11/10 03:28 PM

My heart goes out to you both. Bromie, you have it right that talking, and talking a lot, will help. Right now you probably need a lot of information and someone to help you sort out what it all means. If you're old enough to remember all of the men that were dying in the 80's and 90's, that needs to be factored in. Having HIV now is so much more different than in the 20th century. Best of luck to you both.

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Tee78
Newbie

Reged: 10/31/10
Posts: 5
Re: Do i Stay or Go? new
      #253084 - 11/11/10 08:19 PM

Your right James, about being safer now. Never really thought about it that way. It is so easy to get comfortable & not think about the posibilities if someone steps outside of the relationship.

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