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Just learned my son is HIV positive
#252332 - 09/29/10 04:43 PM
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I just found out yesterday that my 26 year old son is HIV positive. I am scared and I think somewhat in shock. What do I do now? How do I help him the most? I would love to hear from other parents.
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I'm not a parent, nor do I have my test results back yet from the doctor's lab. But you NEED TO GET HIM an HIV specialist or Infectious Disease doctor IMMEDIATELY!
Have him tested for viral load & also have him collect his mental health (make sure he isn't suicidal).
HIV is a virus, and is manageable.
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Tthanks for your reply. He has known for a year and has found a specialist and is on meds. He seems to have done everything he is supposed to and says he's doing well. But I'm his mom and of course this has really scared me beyond belief. There is no support group for HIV families in our town, though, and I am very interested in connecting with other people in my situation.
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Where are you located? (United States) ??
Look in the Yellow Pages and they should have some type of support group in the closest major cityl.
Also try this number --- > 1-800-448-0440
his HIV specialist should be able to refer your son to a support group that can help.
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Yes, in the US. My son and I live in separate cities a few hours from each other. He has found a support group where he is, but I live in a very small town and there isn't one here. There is one about an hour and a half from me, but with my busy schedule and a 10 year old, that's not an option for me. I was hoping tto connect with other parents on here.
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DJones
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All Star
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Reged: 04/02/09
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Posts: 82
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Loc: Milwaukee Wisconsin
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Hello
I am not a parent, but I am HIV+ and might be able to offer some help.
Realize your child will be going through a lot mentally and physically. I was diagnosed January 2009 and I must say it was what I call the biggest 'mind fuck' of my life. Your child will at times want to talk, and other times not want to talk. I finally told my mother this past summer. When we talk about my health, I don't say HIV+, I say, my condition. It seems to make it easier for her to talk about it. My best advice would be to just let your child know you are there for them, that you love them, and nothing has changed in your eyes towards them. Knowing your there is as important as actually being there for someone when they are going through this. I started a blog the day I found out I was HIV+ on January 7, 2009. I almost daily give an account of how my life is going, very honestly. You can go back to the beginning and see how low I was then, and how I am in a much better place now. You might get some insight as to what your child is going through mentally and physically. The drugs alone can cause so many side effects mentally and physically. Your childs life will never be the same, but they can be happy. The link to my blog is below my writing. I would be happy to talk with you via email or other if you have any other questions. Tell your child you love them every time you talk or see them. It means more than you could ever know.
Stay strong.
Dave
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http://daveslifelivingwithhiv.blogspot.com/
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As a mother of a son who has AIDS..i can truly understand all the emotions you might be going through...I am sure you can find support here at the BODY but when my son was diagnosed with HIV..he was only 17 and I immediately told hiim, we will fight this thing together, then after letting him know I would be his rock..i ran to the nearest therapist....who put me in touch with an HIV counselor because I really didnt know how to handle it....we went back and forth...with me begging him to take care of himself...take his meds!! which he refused to do...it was devastating to the point where he was in denial for so long..he was finally diagnosed with AIDS, however, it was when the bottom dropped out for him in the hospital that he began to have hope for his life..and want to live...he is 23 now...in college and works nights fulltime, he takes his meds daily...I thank GOD everyday for keeping him in my life..and I remembered when I couldnt carry myself...GOD carried me....I remembered the hope, we found in group therapy....there is always hope..remember that no matter what you may experiencing...he is going through it twofold...because he has to wake everyday in that body...if he is a fighter..he will take his meds..find a support group...and live like anyone with high blood pressure, diabetes...etc. It is a manageable illness but you must be strong for yourself first..before you can be strong for him!! Being strong...means never judging him...loving him at times when he is ambiguous about loving himself!! Remember no man is an island and although you can always come to the body for support...it might just be in your best interest for the hour drive to your support group, it was there, I found parents just like...i was able to cry, hug and do all of the things with..i was afraid to do around my son.........your 10 year old cannot hold onto you...if you are falling apart!! So in loving your HIV diagnosed son, just be there for him...sometimes that may mean leaving him alone when he asks..as my son often did...but him knowing you are there..is support, sometimes it is in the words we dont say..that speak the loudest...so respect his wishes...his privacy..and let him know that no matter what happens..you will always, always be there.......HIV/AIDS does not discriminate...so pray and remember that GOD is a good one...never forsaking any of his children, no matter how sick, weak or confused they appear to be........GOD BLESS!!
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Dear scaredmom:
It has been 2 years since I was diagnosed with HIV and only then, when I was sure I was doing fine (four months ago) that I told my mom about it. I wish I was a parent to give you some advice, but as my mother's son I can tell you what she is doing for me.
First of all, the unconditional love of you mothers is the greatest help any of us can get, given the "assured disappointment" that we as your children believe have caused you.
Be there for him, Inform yourself so you won't make him uncomfortable asking questions that for us is difficult to respond to. Assure him that he is young and has a full life ahead of him, and this is not a death sentence anymore, but merely a MANAGEABLE CONDITION, as scary and the history of AIDS has proven to be, aids is not what it was 15 to 20 years ago.
There is hope, great doctors and great medicine that will keep us up and going.
When I knew, I was devastated, by the third day, after three sleepless nights, I sat down on my bed and thought about me 3 days before that morning and me now... the difference was that now I knew, and that I had to do the right thing. That was calling my doctor and get REALLY INFORMED, then got treatment.
I have taken this condition as the chance to live a better, healthier life, as ironic as it sounds, my health is better now that it ever was. My greatest support anchor was my mother, after I told her, she never treated me any different, even though I could see the pain in her eyes. Like I said before, you women are stronger that you can imagine, and being a mother multiplies that strength. If you have not realized yet... you soon will, and you'll be amazed of how much your love and support will help your son.
I hope my words will ease you sorrow a little bit.
Wishing you and your family the best always.
Marco in San Diego.
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iam1
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Fanatic
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Reged: 06/17/09
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Posts: 87
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Loc: Georgia
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I'm not a parent. I'm someone who has been living with HIV for almost as long as your son has been alive. 22 years. And, I'm doing very well, thank you!
Calmly sit down and take several slow, deep breaths! You are next to having a full out panic attack. You're scared. And, yes, you probably are in shock.
What to do for your son? Love him! I can't tell you how many days and nights I stressed through before my parents found out. I was more worried about them than myself. Turns out when they found out they still loved me. That was the greatest comfort I ever could have asked for. I know I was lucky in that my family accepted me. Many don't. Let your son know that you still love him no matter what.
Get educated. HIV is a complex disease. It takes some good ole studyin' to get the basics. Lots of it! Learn the background of this disease. It's only been in the public for less than 30 years, but there is a tremendous amount of material dealing with it - http://www.thebody.com/index/whatis/history.html
Let your son know that you're there for him. Ask him questions. Enough to keep yourself informed as to his general health. But, don't try to get too technical.
Both of you should work together to keep up to date on both current treatments and his health. Perhaps (and I mean "perhaps") one day you MIGHT go to a counselor with him. Present him with the option and give him the choice. Make sure the counselor is reliable and not a quack when dealing with HIV.
What you need to realize is that HIV is no longer an instant death sentance as it was in the early days. With proper medical care he can and should live much longer than you. Treat him as a person. Not as a disease. He'll still have the same interests 26 year olds have. He'll still want to do the same things he's done throughout his life. He'll still need to have and maintain a job and a life. I can barely remember back to when I was 26, but if memory serves me right I loved my parents, but I didn't want them in all aspects of my life.
Be there for him. If you're this upset just hearing about another person being HIV+ think how upset he might be as the one who is HIV+.
Love him!
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jampcub
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Reged: 04/12/10
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Emotional support is what your son needs from you now. If you panic, he will panic too. HIV is not a death sentence anymore. It takes some getting used to the medicines, and to the new life style. Get him on hiv medicines as soon as possible. The sooner he starts his hiv treatment, the more chances his inmune system will have to fight back an opportinistic infections. A cure will hopefully be available to all of us in a few years time. He will still be very young when that time comes, so cheer up.
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mom20
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Reged: 10/12/10
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Hello I know you are scared & worried. My 20 year old son found out last year. It took some time for me to get my head around it. He started meds seven months after being diagnosed due to back to back MRSA infections but has done quite well. Here are a few books that may help answer some of your questions. I still read these, You can order online at Amazon
100 questions & answers about HIV & Aids (Joel Gallant).
The First Year HIV an essential guide for the newly diagnosed (Brett Grodeck).
You both need support whether that is from a group or just one person to talk to. The 1-800 numbers in the back of the books are great resources if you need to talk to someone.
I am praying for you, your son & family.
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mike918
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Reged: 10/18/10
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Dear ScaredMom,
I cannot begin to know what you are going through, but I can tell you that last March I was diagnosed with HIV, and I'm only 24. My mother was actually with me the night that I found out so there was no hidding it from her, or saving her from the pain that I was having to cope with. I can tell you that what I needed from her the most was the assurance that she wasn't going to quit loving me and that no matter what she would always be by my side. I don't know how your son deals with things but I can tell you that I typically hide and act like nothing is wrong and on my own terms do what is right. I'm sure that the day that he told you, it was the HARDEST day of his life. I know that when I told my sisters (I'm the youngest of 3) I really didn't know what was going to happen or even if i would still have them in my life, and my nerves were so shot that I couldn't hardly even tell them. All I can say is be there for him like you where when he fell off his bike and skint his knee, and be there for him like you were the day his first puppy love was over. That's what he needs. He needs you to call him just to say hello and that you love him. He needs to know that things aren't going to change between the two of you and that if he's scared to face the labs and Dr. visits alone then you'll be by his side like you were when he had strep throat when he was a kid. NO matter what he needs to know that you are still MOM... I hope this helped you and if you are in the OKlahoma area I know some great support groups that you could call on the phone for support. I know my own mother would be more than happy to talk with you and her cell phone has free long distance. Stay Strong and remember your faith. Mike
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mike ..... beautiful words. god bless you!
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