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New User

Reged: 11/18/09
Posts: 3
Heartbroken Father.
      #248476 - 11/18/09 09:21 AM

We found out we were positive Aug 08 when my partner was pregnant. Our world fell apart. We then found out that our 2 yr old boy was infected too.

My partner went on medication while she was pregnant and thank god, our daughter is neg.

Our health is fine. Nothing really wrong with us apart from the virus. My partners numbers are vey good, we are both undetectable but my CD4 is struggling up very slowly...currently around 140. My sons numbers are fine, but we constantly look at him disbelieving that this little man has AIDS. My heart is broken.

I infected my partner and son. Daily I am living with these thoughts, of shame, anger and disgust at myself. I had unprotected sex 10 years ago and thought, "AIDS? Me? Not a chance!" I just thought it wouldnt or couldnt happen to me. And here I am today, having infected most of my family.

My partner blames me, as do I. Its no ones fault but my own. Our relationship is beginning to flounder. We are angry, canīt speak without arguing and this with two young children in the house.

We need help. We cannot talk to anyone about this. No way. She will be seeing a psychologist later this month...but me, a bit difficult as I donīt speak the local language.

Are there any other fathers out there in a similar situation? Is there a forum that anyone could recommend I contact for support or someone I could connect with? I need to know there is some kind of light at the end of this tunnel.

Thank you.

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New User

Reged: 10/01/09
Posts: 2
Re: Heartbroken Father. new
      #248593 - 11/25/09 05:52 PM

Under no circumstances do I want to come off as cool or unfeeling but the truth is, you and your partner must sit back, take a deep breath and move on from the guilt and pain portion of this argument. You did a horrible, life changing thing and will always feel dreadful about it but life goes on...if you let it. Your partner must do the same thing. She needs to take one day and say everything on her mind. Blame you, curse you, even throw things at you and then she must move on emotionally. If the two of you don't do this your lives will be forever poisoned. The three of you are HIV positive and that is now a cold hard fact. It will not end your lives but it will destroy you and your family if you allow it. You cannot let that happen. You have two children that rely on you. You owe it to them to be educated, aware and of one voice when it comes to the family's HIV status. They don't need the two of you walking around, wallowing in grief, fear, anger and guilt. They need mom and dad to show them that life goes on even in the worst of circumstances. Life is not ending, it is just beginning. Be strong.

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New User

Reged: 04/14/09
Posts: 11
Loc: United States
Re: Heartbroken Father. new
      #248594 - 11/25/09 07:29 PM

These are the risks of unprotected sex with multiple partners.

Even once is enough, as you know.

You took the risk, rolled the dice, and were dealt this hand, so to speak.

I took risks. I am positive, but my story stops there.

The point is this: what's old is old. You have children who need both of you. It's tragic that you two cannot get past this enough for their sake.

I agree with the prior post, entirely, but would only add what I have already said: focus, both of you, on the needs of your children. You are there for them. You must be there for them. You cannot do them justice by demonizing each other, being hateful and fighting.

These are conscious decisions.

You say she blames you, you blame you, it happened xxxx time ago, and things are "getting bad" between the two of you.

At what point does she contemplate that maybe for the sake of the children some degree of forgiveness and civility is in best interest?

One can only blame someone else for so long. After a while, that is a moot point.

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New User

Reged: 11/18/09
Posts: 3
Re: Heartbroken Father. new
      #248654 - 12/01/09 02:06 PM

You know, you are both so right. This infection can be controlled and we are able to get on with our lives more or less normally. Even writing this thread has allowed me to unravel the mental poison that has caused, making me, and in turn us feel a little better about the situation.

To be honest there are times when I feel that we are even lucky. We had a friends child stay with us at the weekend and she is acutely disabled. Our situation is much easier than that childīs and its parents. My positive child can run and jump and do all the things neg children do. What are we complaining about??

Its guilt and anger I know, but it can be difficult to escape from.

Yīknow the biggest fear I had about posting this thread was people judging me and hating me for what I had done. Can I just say thank you for your support, it is very important to me.

Keep well.

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New User

Reged: 11/13/09
Posts: 4
Loc: Fla..USA
Re: Heartbroken Father. new
      #248709 - 12/06/09 12:26 AM

I am guessing I don't need to tell you stress is a no go for you! This is a very sad situation ,I will say that. It happened now let it go! If the relationship is going to work she too must let it go.You fight that fight enjoy eachother and those precious children,stop dwelling on yesterday,you are in the now , stay well Irish,you have alot of living to still do ! hugs , Jeannie

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New User

Reged: 03/16/10
Posts: 7
Re: Heartbroken Father. new
      #249785 - 03/18/10 09:11 AM

hello Irish

i agree with the other people here,its time for you to stop playing the blame need each other more now,you need to be strong for ur children.i was once exposed to the hiv virus but with the love of God i tested negetive im still yet to go for tests.but u know what,not once did i blame my +boyfriend of the condom blasts,i went for those tests and i councelled myself and most of all i never stopped loving my need to talk openly to each other about it.and you need to invite God to this situation that you have.i dont know if u are a religious person but the love of God will bring you blessed my brother

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