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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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Dragonfly
New User

Reged: 08/13/08
Posts: 3
Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS
      #241357 - 08/13/08 07:17 PM

It has been two weeks since we sat in the Nephrologists office to get the results to my husbands kidney tests and were told that he is HIV positive! Silly me! I knew our marriage wasn't the greatest but with 24 years of marriage and two kids, I figured that the grass was not always greener on the other side of the fence so.................
Now, I find out he has been gay for about 15 years, he is HIV positive. Has had many one night stands, three longer relationships. His "other" relationships were also deceived, they didn't know he was married with kids or even where he works!
He swears he loves me and wants to stay together. I am just so scared, numb, confused, hurt, alone!
We are not telling anyone. We have lied to EVERYONE! It is so difficult to keep up the facade. I just need somewhere to vent, talk, listen, and learn!
I have sooooo many questions!
Why does the healthcare system seem to be moving so very slowly?
Does every day of not being on meds make him more likely to get sicker?

Sorry for the long post! I feel like I continue on for pages and pages...............................

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jojo1
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Reged: 08/15/08
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Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #241401 - 08/15/08 09:50 AM

It made me very sad to read your post, it sounded almost exactly like something I would have written 4 years ago. I too, received the shock of my life when my husband of 30 plus years told me he was HIV + as a result of years of what he initially said was "anonymous sex" with men. We had a great sex life and what I thought was a really good marriage so imagine my surprise. You are probably feeling a thousand different emotions right now, having someone to talk to is very important. There are several groups you can google that can help you with support. Know that you are not alone, I was amazed at the number of women (and men) who find themselves in this postion. Please feel free to write me privately if you would like.

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Nala
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Reged: 08/15/08
Posts: 2
Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #241435 - 08/16/08 11:13 AM

My husband was diagnosised 1 1/2 years ago. We were both stunned and saddened. Years before he had been engaging in sex with men. It was an ill attempt to deal with his depression and guilt over sexual abuse he had suffered as a teenager.
I had thought it was all behind us. We had gone to counseling and had put the past behind us when he was diagnosised. My first reaction was to cry and scream at God, at my husband. How could this be happening?
After many tears and hugs we agreed to get through this together. We called our family and our close friends. We had our pastor come and we told him. Everyone has been more then supportive. No one has turned away.
Three weeks after his diagnosis we renewed our wedding vows on our 25th anniversary.
We don't talk about it with everyone, but when asked we will be truthful. If people ask how he was infected we just say that is between him and me, and it really doesn't matter. It's here and we have to deal with it. Some people do know, but only those we want to know.
I encourage you to find someone you can talk to, have coffee with. Also, get yourself checked. I have had 2 tests since my husband's diagnosis and am negative. We are careful in our sex life and always use safe sex methods. My husband is on medication and has been since his diagnosis. Whether your husband needs to be on medications depends on his lab work counts. He needs to have a doctor who knows and understands HIV/AIDS and he needs to be getting lab work done every three months. I hear some people do well without meds for some time.
This doesn't have to ruin your life or marriage, but you will have to work hard together to go forward.
My thoughts and prayer will be with you during this time.

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faithandlove
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Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 8
Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #241508 - 08/19/08 03:53 PM

Wow! I don't feel like I am the only one in the world......I have been praying everyday that I find someone to talk to that was in my situation......I found out about 1 month ago also that my husband of 12 years was HIV positive. He also, has been loving a double-life all this time. His lover was shot and killed in June and was notified by his lovers wife (yes) that he was HIV positive. The wife has ran across some old text messages that were of the sexual nature and called my husband to let him know that if they still had something going he should get tested because he was HIV positive. According to my husband they had not had any interaction for over a year, but sure enough when he went to get tested he was positive! So like you, I am on an emotional roller coaster everyday dealing with this. I have not made the decision to divorce, but now he has come clean with other relationships over the 12 years of marriage. I feel like my whole marriage has been a lie. Hopefully you respond and we can help each other vent! I don't want to go into too much more detail until I hear back from you....because as you know this story can go on for pages!

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faithandlove
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Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 8
Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #241509 - 08/19/08 04:00 PM

I am encouraged to know that you have dealt with this over a year and a half ago. I felt like I was reading my own story as I read your response to the post. My husband was recently diagnosed about a month ago, he was also abused as a child and his identity issues stemmed from this. We over our 12 years of marriage have gone through counseling trying to deal with the issues. Although I knew there were identity issues, he always assured me he had never acted out on anything and loved me, our family, we are heavily involved in ministry at our church and it was and still is devastating. Only close friends and some select family know at this point. I also, by the grace of God am negative. But the betrayal is hard to bear sometimes, we are still together at this point, just taking one day at a time.

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faithandlove
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Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 8
Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #241516 - 08/19/08 04:41 PM

Hi do you know of the specific names of the groups you can google?

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Dragonfly
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Reged: 08/13/08
Posts: 3
Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #241611 - 08/23/08 04:24 PM

We seem to have similar stories! Do you HURT as much as I do? So many lies, deceptions!!!! Do you have children?
I have a million questions? As, I am sure you do as well.
I feel very much alone. We haven't told anyone. I have no one to talk to about what I am going through. Do you have anyone? Thank you for replying to me. I hope that we can be a shoulder for each other to lean on.
Feel free to respond to me privately if you so wish.
I will keep you in my thoughts!

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Dragonfly
New User

Reged: 08/13/08
Posts: 3
Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #241612 - 08/23/08 04:28 PM

I have NO idea!!!! I am so very new at this. I have yet to really find any kind of support.
Any help in this area would be appreciated.


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faithandlove
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Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 8
Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #241716 - 08/30/08 08:44 AM

Yes, I am sure we both equally HURT...it is overwhelming at times....so many emotions to sort through and to sort out......I have a 18yr old, not by my husband. I feel VERY alone....only a few select people know at this point....and they are busy with their lives, so it's not like I can talk to them anytime I want and the biggest issue, NO ONE can relate unless they have gone through or are going through what we are.....and still there is so much that is embarrasing to talk about you just don't. I have 2 close friends, but like I said they are praying for me I know, but I don't get to talk and share with them all the time, so many times, it's me and God. You said I could respond to you privately, but I don't have your email address, mine is divafab06@yahoo.com, so you can email me then I will have yours. I really hope to hear from you. Sorry for the late response it has been a touch week for me.

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Nala
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Reged: 08/15/08
Posts: 2
Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #241777 - 09/02/08 11:48 PM

I know there are so many deceptions and you feel betrayed. You really need to talk to someone, maybe a professional, to be able to move forward. You can contact an organization like Lutheran Family Services or the YWCA or YMCA. They may have some information for you. To answer your question, yes we have children. Our three daughters are 25,22 and 21. All have been very supportive of their dad. I also have my three sisters and my parents that I can talk to at anytime. They have been wonderful and only want the best for us. I don't know what we would have done without God's love and forgiveness. My husband has a small group of men who have been and continue to be there. He can call anyone of them when he needs support and they are there.
I know it is scary, but you need someone you can hug, talk and cry with. Reach out when you are ready. Our youngest daughter got involved in a group that supports HIV positive families and it has been a wonderful outlet for her. It is called REACH. You can look them up at reachministeries.com.
Please let me know how you are doing. I care.

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kelseyelaine
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Reged: 11/24/08
Posts: 6
Re: Scared and Numb~I just found out my husband is POS new
      #243331 - 11/24/08 02:50 PM

excusing the AIDS.... get rid of him. I have aids so i would never suggest getting rid of him because he has it... but he cheated on you... once a cheater always a cheater.... if he has done this.. THIS MANY TIMES... you need to remove yourself from that!!

--------------------
<3Kelsey Elaine
(A life you don't live is still lost)
(a closed mouth gathers no foot)

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