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New User

Reged: 08/08/08
Posts: 5
Emotionally going crazy
      #241210 - 08/08/08 04:00 PM

Hello, this is most likely going to be a long post: I tend to over write and especailly when I have a lot on my mind. But I will be greatly appreciative of anyone who takes time to read and advise on your thoughts and opinions.

Here's my story: I was dating a guy for a few months, since December. We ended up fighting about something really stupid and had about a two month break. In that time, we both tried moving on I guess. However he ended up drinking and having unprotected sex with another man once. This happened about three weeks before we got back together.

He then started to notice things show up on him. Yes he was definitely infected by several STDs. Luckily when we got back into it we were safe however I knew he still needed to be tested. I was really concerned for his health and feared HIV would be in him.

He was so scared to tell me what had happened, I told him I loved him any way and that I would go with him to get tested. He didn't even want to do that because he was ashamed of it. It was as if he was more concerned about his image than his health (and he still is to an extent).

So we went, the quick results test showed me to be negative for HIV, but he was positive. I initially started crying asking him to tell me he was joking and just trying to mess with my head. You know, kind of hoping it was going to be one big giant bad dream.

But it wasn't. I missed work for 2 days, just crying because I felt like I lost him. It was as if he was not the same person anymore. At first I felt like I could not even touch him the same way. We have made progress on that.

Yet I am still struggling. I want to be able to go to group therapy but he does not. We compromised to a couple's session if we could find one. No progress on this so far.

I am very mad, angry, upset, sad, scared, concerned, and ignorant to a lot of this. I know that the information is out there but it is just too much for me: I don't know where to start. I figured that I need to get my emotions under control first before I can start to fully understand.

Sometimes I feel like he does not even care: he is too scared about what people will think that he does not want anyone to know. I understand he is a private person, but I am VERY open about myself (and I understand I have to respect his wishing seeing he is the one who is going through this and not me). I have respected his wishes so far but I feel like he is asking me to sit on my hands to do my job at a computer.

I am the type that has to talk about what is bothering me, ask questions, get opinions: and at the moment I cannot. I hate that I feel like I cannot even talk to my close friends for their advice and support. So hence being here on this message board

I try to talk to him and he changes the subject. He says that he copes with things by being strong yet I feel that it is a weakness that he avoids the subject and/or is procrastinating.

I love him: no doubt about that. I want to be with him, I want to spend the rest of our days together. I want to go with him to the doctor every time he goes. It just sometimes feels like he is being distant and still keeping things from me while I am wanting to know everything.

I requested that he contact the guy who infected him: maybe he does not know what he has and he is infecting others. I feel it is the right thing to do. And if he does know, nothing he can do but move on knowing we tried. He cannot bring himself to do this. I just feel so angry that he could be doing this to someone eles's son, partner, father, cousin, brother, friend, etc.

Thoughts? And I apologize if this is unstructured, it's just how my thoughts are flowing at the moment.

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Reged: 09/03/08
Posts: 3
Re: Emotionally going crazy new
      #241780 - 09/03/08 07:34 AM

Emotionally crazy is part of the so called norm of being HIV+ or having a significant love one HIV+. I am married 15 years to a HIV- female, I am HIV+ 26 years. There has been lots of turmoil over who & who not to let know( family, friends, businness people & so on. For the last 4 years I have been TOTALLY OPEN about telling people so I can share the TRUTH & delete the False Myths. The more Educated You & others around you are, the less problems you will have in the long run. YES! YOU will still encounter disrespectably FEAR from LOVE ones & friends at times. I had to talk STERNLY to my step-daughter over issues of me hugging, kissing, sharing food & drink with my 3 granddaughters that mean the univese to ME! When I did, I had written documents to back every word I said. Being OPEN & HONEST about HIV+ makes me less fearfull, more positivily optimistic with a confident SELF esteem that helps me keep moving forward. The reality is we all have sins/faults, so NO ONE is BETTER than ANYONE else. If some one cann't eccept anybody HIV+, than they are at lost. Because HIV+ DOES NOT change a true person, ONLY changes thier Habits & Life-style. Just take your meds correctly & attend seminars to stay informed. AND YES! Get counseling to help over come FEAR & DEPRESSION! I have MANY times thought of SUICIDE as an answer to end all my problems, THIS IS NOT A SOLUTION! When YOU fall, PICK YOURSELF back UP and keep walking FORWARD! I use writting as a form of releasing my stress. Meditation, Breathing Techniics & exersise are other benifical things to do. I WISH YOU 2 the BEST! LOVE YOU IN THE EYES OF GOD! For LIFE is still VERY YOUNG for ALL of US!

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New User

Reged: 09/03/08
Posts: 3
Re: Emotionally going crazy new
      #241800 - 09/04/08 06:12 AM

willing 2know,
I forgot to tell you how to find out what seminars are available
and information on how to obtain counseling possibly for free. Find a local HIV+/AIDS support group. I am a client in one, they provide me with weekly counseling, upcoming seminars to attend and events. I volunteer at events like AIDS WALK, assemble monthly news letters and as a booth representive for my support group at other presentations.
Yes, I am associated with alot of homosexuals due to the fact that unprotected anal sex is 99.9% chance of contraction. I am hetrosexual and respect them for whom they are personally, while they respect my wife and I in return. We are good friends with some and look forward to seeing them at the next event. there are group meetings available for women and hetrosexual couples also. The womans group will help you alot. All group meetings and counseling sessions are strctly under a private poliicy rule.
My support group is the most benifical factor of helping me to deal with the dilemma of being HIV+. Please look for one for further advice and help, even if he does not wish to for himself. May God Bless 'YOU' Greatly! Love in/thru Christ!
Midnight Joe

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