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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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mandaree23
Newbie

Reged: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Texas
He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love.
      #240999 - 07/27/08 12:59 AM

I will start out by saying that I write this post with a heavy heart and a lot of aggrevation. So, please take no offense to my post.

I have been reading on thebody and other websites posts, forums, etc to better understand HIV/AIDS. I am doing so because I dearly love and care for my HIV+ boyfriend. He was diagnosed about three years, is now undetectable and him and I have been dating for about a year. I do research because I want to understand what he has experienced in the past, what he's going through now and what he and I (as a couple) will endure in the future. I dont want to be ignorant when it comes to anything that affects him, especially something so serious as his health and well-being. This is what love does, especially unconditional love. Unconditional love is something a lot of us speak about but rarely offer.

So here goes! I am SO tired of people sending in posts asking what they should do about the person they are in love with due to the fact that they are HIV+. I want to say that anyone who has tested positive for HIV/AIDS is a person, no different than those of us who are fortunate enough to not have contracted HIV/AIDS. Most people who are positive have not done anything differently than those of us who are negative. The difference is, they were infected and we (up to this point) have not been. How many people can say they haven't had unprotected sex, not to mention the other ways in which you can become infected. I have not been nearly as promiscious as a lot of women and I personally can think of a few people that I have had unprotected sex with that could have very well been infected and I would have had no idea.

Like I said, I wrote this with a lot on my mind and I want so badly to express my feelings but find it hard to. I know friends and family may not agree with your wanting to love and care for someone that they see as less than perfect. I know a lot of negative people that scare me and deter me more than any positive person. If you're here for advice on whether you should stay or not then you need to really take a look at your heart and decide if you should say you love someone and then question whether you want to be with them. Maybe I'm crazy but when I found out about my boyfriend, I didn't think of myself much at all, instead I educated myself. It hurt my heart that he had done the same things as so many others and had been infected. I saw and heard all the things he said and did and realized that all he wanted was to be loved and accepted, just like everyone else does. Why does he not deserve that? Because he is HIV+? That's crap! He's still a person like all of us who has a heart, feelings, emotions and a desire to be happy and share his life with someone. Some people may say that because I have children from a previous marriage that I'm not thinking of them or myself. Call me selfish but the way I see it is that I am teaching my kids a valuable lesson. My kids are not aware of his illness and when they are old enough to understand, they will know. They will see that I had loved, cared for and supported a man that a lot of ignorant people would see as unloveable, off-limits, less than perfect, etc. More than that, I have finally experienced what unconditional love is and I know now that love conquers all. I do know that my being with him does pose a threat. I also see how well he is doing and because I've done research I also know that I wouldn't want to have to suffer with it but I also know that it's not a death sentence. Being 31 years old, I know that if were infected that with meds and I can live 20+ years. That's better than the odds that I have with hereditary risks. So, why not spend my life with the one I love, happily.....opposed to being in a horrible marriage wishing I had spent my life with the one I love......or worse, dying alone without the one I love all because of fear.

As I mentioned in the beginning, I hope no one takes offense to this post. If so, then that should answer your question whether to stay with them or not. In my boyfriends case, there's enough stress over his illness and being rejected. Don't make anyone experience the rejection they have feared. Do them a favor! Move on and spare them anymore pain. As for me, I love him...all of him and he is perfect in my eyes. I hope that at least one person will benefit from this and listen to their heart over their head, society, etc and love them with everything you have.


To my love SK......thank you for coming into my life and offering me the love that you have. You have opened my eyes and my heart to so many things. I know you're a "bad man" but always know that should the time ever come, thank you for trusting me to always be there to hold your hand and see you through the tough times.........I am ALWAYS here! You are the love of my life!

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Brandy
Guru

Reged: 01/19/06
Posts: 208
Loc: Oklahoma,USA
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #241012 - 07/28/08 02:30 AM

that is an awesome story thank you for sharing it with us i myself am poz however my boyfriend isnt, sometime I wonder why he is with me.as I read your story I understood his point more thank you for this. my best wishes for you and him.

--------------------
take care and be sooooo safe love,
Brandy

Live in the Moment!!!!

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myname
Newbie

Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 3
Loc: Africa
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #241056 - 07/31/08 08:16 AM

Well. your post is lovey I must confess. I would like to urge u to continue in ur good work...and I would also like to bring to ur notice that there are several other people out there who are doing exactly what u are doing. Don't give up! Ur boyfriend need u especialy at this time in his life. I think u are the closest person to his life now. Don't give in to any advice that will make u shy away from caring for ur boyfriend. I WISH I CAN HAVE UR TYPE AS A WIFE....THOUGH I AM NOT HIV POSITIVE. LOL

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Huey_Freeman
Newbie

Reged: 07/31/08
Posts: 1
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #241057 - 07/31/08 09:36 AM

I began talking to someone who had AIDS and he didn't tell me until about two weeks after we started talking. I was very attracted to him and him being honest made me want him even more although he was infected. I would've definitely began something with him if we were not hours away. I think that it is important to look at individuals as people and not as the disease, which you expressed earlier. If someone that you are involved with is infected it only allows you and your mate to be more cautious sexually. I commend you on doing something that most people will not...love or no love.

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ScottV
Newbie

Reged: 10/04/07
Posts: 3
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #241063 - 07/31/08 12:45 PM

Mandaree -- this is my first post to the forum, ever, after spending a year reading TheBody.com. I just had to respond to your message and say yes, thank you, and I totally agree with you. I've been with my boyfriend for a year now -- we're looking for a place to move in together. It's going great -- I've never been happier.

We met at a party, then we went out, and ended up back at his place. Before any clothes came off, he asked, "Do you know your HIV status?" I thought, here we go, I've been here before -- you have to ask the question, it's polite. "I'm negative," I said, and kept kissing him. "I am HIV positive," he said. For about a microsecond, the world stopped, as I realized -- in all my years of hooking up, this was the first time I was about to jump in the sack with someone I knew was positive. How was that even possible, I wondered.

I didn't let it bug me too much at the time, but I will sheepishly admit that it took an extra couple of days to call him back after that date because I could already tell I was really really really going to like him and I wondered, can I do this? Can I fall in love with this man? (I will admit, I was channeling the movie Jeffrey -- which made me feel like a dreadful gay cliche...)

The answer is yes, and it's awesome. I don't regret falling in love with him. I *do* regret letting my irrational fears bug me like they did. Because there is no reason for it. A year later, I'm still negative, and certainly not for a lack of transmission opportunities. Which is not to say we do risky things, we don't -- but it is true now I am a living breathing example that using rubbers is an effective means of prevention.

I love my Papi. And I expect a long and happy life with him. At the end of the day, the thing that decided it for me -- he is so wonderful for me -- it's like I met the man I would have custom built for myself out of handmade parts, if i could have. Not getting close to him just because of fear of HIV seemed like a dumb thing to do, and I would have missed out on building a life with my better half.

I suppose it may be different if you're already in a relationship and your partner tests positive and you don't -- there are obviously different issues to be worked through, but the end result is the same -- if you love somebody, and you let HIV get between you, then it's your own fault.

Be happy. Love big. Live long.

-- Scott

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WayneD
Newbie

Reged: 04/19/08
Posts: 4
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #241108 - 08/03/08 12:07 PM

People that leave their loved ones because they are HIV+ are nothing more than callous selfish individuals who can't be bothered learning enough to ease their fears and/or don't want to put the hard work in.

HIV DOESN'T DISCRIMINATE - PEOPLE DO!!!

And to positive peope that is very hurtful.

Mandaree23, you've made the right choice. There is no reason with meds these days that your boyfriend can't live a normal lifespan and with the love that you show for him no doubt it will be a long and happy relationship.

People with HIV want and need love too.



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willing2know
Newbie

Reged: 08/08/08
Posts: 5
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #241206 - 08/08/08 10:16 AM

I agree with you, but I have to admit that I am wrestling with the thought myself in the back of my head. I am just terrified but I know in my heart I will not leave my partner. I love him so much. I just recently found out and am trying to reach out everywhere for information. I don't know where to start and there is really a lot that I know I still have to learn. First, I would like to get my emotions under control. But I thank you for letting me know that a relationship like mine can exist. You have already set me at ease to an extent.

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faithandlove
Newbie

Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 8
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #241510 - 08/19/08 04:11 PM

I am new to this forum, was only out there searching to communicate with others in my situation. I do not take offense to your post, because I am dealing with the same issues. Although I am married, to me some might be asking the questions depending on there situation. Being in a long-term dating relationship vs. marriage are different in my opinion (and only my opinion) there are vows that are taken and if you are upholding your part you only expect your mate to do the same, in my situation my husband was sleeping with other men, and to some women after being married for years to a spouse whom you think is heterosexual and to find out he has been living a double life can be a bit devastating, so no I don't think you wrong in your view point, but need to consider that everyones situation is unique, and people go through all kinds of emotions behind it. I have chosen to stay with my spouse at this point, only because he has come clean and been up front and honest and because like you said he is still a person that made a mistake...and we all have made mistakes and maybe didn't get caught. But this is suppose to be a forum where people can express how they feel and get help, understanding, and support and not feel chastised for expressing themselves.

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faithandlove
Newbie

Reged: 08/19/08
Posts: 8
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #241511 - 08/19/08 04:25 PM

Continued....so while those of us married and unmarried have chosen to show unconditional love to our partners, let's lead by example to those who may be struggling with the issue instead of making them feel bad about questioning their decisions! People that know my situation think I am crazy, as I am sure they think that about you as well, but I can show them better than get upset and debate with them...hopefully the love and compassion I am showing will be a positive influence on them. I do also have people who commend me for my decision to stay with my husband, but I took the vows for better for worse, etc. So I encourage you to keep doing what your doing and although you are sick of people not making the decision to stay or juggling with the decision....try to encourage them by your example of what "unconditional love" really is.

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wishidknown
Newbie

Reged: 01/20/09
Posts: 1
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #243984 - 01/20/09 12:31 PM

I totally understand where you are coming from and I applaud your decision to stay with your Significant Other. I too made that decision 10 years ago and it has definitely been a hard life for me to deal with. I love my husband but he has turned into a totally different person than the one I fell in love with as his disease has progressed. He is now not only hiv + but has been diagnosed with full blown aids for the past 5 years and as his health gets worse so does his attitude. I have to do everything in relation to his dr appts and meds as he will abuse his pain meds if I don't have them locked in a safe, he also has taken an attitude of not caring about what kind of financial straits he will leave me in when he does die. Before anyone judges me for saying he will die let me add that at his last labs several months ago his CD4 count was 2. Would I have still married him if I had known about how terrible this disease is on relationships and how much inner strength those of us that are partners without being hiv + need to have to survive mentally every day and if I had realized the extreme financial burden I was taking on? I know that the correct thing to answer that with is "yes" but I honestly cannot give any answer to that because some days I would say yes but some days I will say that if I had known I would have run the other way. Not trying to scare anyone but I really wish I had been given more accurate information and had more access to other spouses or significant others out there living with an HIV + person who would have been brutally honest with me so that I could say today that I made an informed decision but I can't say that at all. Well, as you can tell this is one of the days I am doubting my decision but I am sticking it out and maybe will have another thought tomorrow. LOL

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mandaree23
Newbie

Reged: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Texas
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #244823 - 02/25/09 11:48 PM

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is certainly helpful and I appreciate all the help I can get. I'm sad to hear how this is affecting him mentally because my boyfriend has what seems to be bipolar disorder at times. He can be very forgetful and these are things his family never saw in him prior to being infected. However, someone told me that if his levels are undetectable that he shouldn't have these issues. I think he may still be in denial and angry. Not sure but your response lets me know what I could be in store for me. Best of luck to you!!!

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Jeannie
Newbie

Reged: 11/12/09
Posts: 4
Loc: Fla..USA
Re: He/she is HIV+.......to love or not to love. new
      #248395 - 11/12/09 09:20 PM

Loved to read what you wrote! I married my soulmate in 1993 after my 1st husband died in a car accident .I was 27 when we met I learned he was positive.I didn't care he really was my soulmate he raised my 4 kids as his own we had the best life and such deep love the kids are all grown he was infected in the late 80's, he did pass at home with us 2 years ago .He use to speak in schools he was great u get educated and u luv him !I am neg I heard crap from my family, that I was setting the kids up to lose another father, well he did great with them and they were great with him, ppl need to educate the ignorant and nieve ones .i am now out to finish what he started in the schools.If you love him like i read you do God Bless you! keep learning

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