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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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mandaree23
Newbie

Reged: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Texas
Need help understanding my positive boyfriend
      #240596 - 07/10/08 09:08 PM

I am new here and looking for help. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year, he was diagnosed about 3 years ago. I have been very supportive and tried to research as much as I can and still just need help from those who may better understand. The biggest thing is marriage........YES! the dreaded "M" word. First of all, you would have to understand his past. He's a retired baseball player, 39 years old and has never been married or blessed with children. He obviously has had his fair share of women and never wanted to settle down. He has never been ready to get married until he met me and we have picked out a ring and he's paying on it. I know he can go get it at any given time but I feel like he's stalling. I know some of his anxiety is the same as anyone who is 39 and never entertained the idea. BUT, I have to wonder if there's more to it than that. I have three children that he adores and loves very much. He says things like I am in love with a dying man, he will leave me everything he has, that he can die knowing he finally found a best friend in me, etc. He's doing very well and is undetectable. I just wonder where all these things are coming from and wonder if he's scared of dying and what it will do to me. I sometimes feel like he's trying to give me reasons to give up on him and leave him. I love him and want to be able to understand and try to help him. Can someone please help me?

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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: Need help understanding my positive boyfriend new
      #240615 - 07/11/08 09:29 AM

I think the best way to understand him is to ask him. Although we know alot of what he is feeling, we will never be able to answer those questions for him. Good luck

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Toto
Newbie

Reged: 06/23/08
Posts: 4
hi there new
      #240726 - 07/17/08 11:37 AM

it is a nice story
the fact that hiv has touched your lives doesnt mean it is all over

you and your boyfriend must understand that hiv is no longer considered a death sentence, nowadays there are very powerful medicines and treatments that will allow your 39 year old boyfriend live 30 or more years depending on how good the treatment IS

furthermore each year new medication is approved and so on people who develop resistance to the previous ones will still be able to continue holding hiv back and fighting it off.

You must have this in mind and show your boyfriend how sure you are that this is not the end but can be a beautiful new start for him and for you together.

he just needs to have a careful life just as people who have diabetics or any other chronic disease

dont let him give up he is not dying he is a person with a chronic disease he can learn to live with.

LOVE FOR YOU BOTH



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zenrobby
Newbie

Reged: 07/17/08
Posts: 1
Re: Need help understanding my positive boyfriend new
      #240728 - 07/17/08 01:25 PM

As anyone who is positive knows, such a diagnosis is a profound and life-changing event. I found out that I was positive at age 36 and I carried on with my life as best as possible, but after a few years, I began a slow slide into depression that I tried to deny was happening. I was very obsessed with issues of mortality. Everything was about death and dying to the extent that it was very difficult for me to function. My doctor finally suggested I try Wellbutrin (low sexual side effects, if any) and that helped to cease the onslaught of obsessive thoughts on death. I was then able to continue with my plans and completed a master degree a couple of months ago at age 44. When I was sliding into depression I didn't understand how my relationships with others were being affected. I constantly viewed everything through the lense of death and impermanence. Needless to say, I wasn't easy to be with during this time. No sense of ease or humor at all. I'm not suggesting that anyone has to follow my path, but this is what I went through during the first few years following my diagnosis.

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Ryan1980
Newbie

Reged: 07/18/08
Posts: 2
Re: Need help understanding my positive boyfriend new
      #240756 - 07/18/08 08:45 AM

I think that it is absolutely great that you and your boyfriend are getting along so well, and that you are talking about spending the rest of your lives together with eachother. Bravo for you!

It is unfortunately very difficult for HIV-Positive people to get through the emotional and mental demons that plague those infected with the virus. Your boyfriend is one who seems to be experiencing the very extremes of the disease: that he is dying, that his life will come to a quicker end than expected, and that his life with you will be shortened because of his infection.

I agree with the previous poster that you need to talk with him about what is causing the statements that he is making. But also know that it is very common for HIV'ers to make these statements and have these thoughts. It is very difficult to move past these thoughts, and may take alot of time and continued work for him to understand that HIV is no longer a "death sentence", and that baring any unforseen circumstances or other health problems (such as heart problems, lung problems if he is a smoker, opportunistic infections (which are becoming less common and more treatable due to better drugs and increased adherence), he will live a long and healthy life. He just needs to be careful, remain healthy and active, and maintain strict adherence to his treatment regimen.

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Ops_guy
Newbie

Reged: 07/18/08
Posts: 1
Re: Need help understanding my positive boyfriend new
      #240762 - 07/18/08 01:12 PM

Dear Mandaree,

Thank you for sharing your story and kudos to you for reaching out. Additional kudos to the others that provided excellent replies. My reply is a bit different. Your situation is very similar to mine but I'm the poz guy (she is neg.) There are many differences in our stories but many similarities as well. My girl and I have been together for a year and have a great relationship but it falls short in at least one area (according to her.) For you it is marriage and his thoughts on his disease as it applies to your relationship. Our issue is something different but it still comes down to psychological issues or how our disease affects our thinking.

If there was one thing I could wish for in our relationship is that my girl would research these things as you have, reach out on her own to gain support and understanding (I get tired of being an HIV educator in the relationship) and learn patience and acceptance. In other words, if our relationship is good, why does it have to be something else today?

So maybe if my experience is applicable in any way to your relationship, take the research and support you have attained and turn it into empathy. Let him feel as he does and understand that it must be painful to have such thoughts and feelings. Let him know you're going to be there anyway and support him. Most of all, let your loving relationship be what it is today. Only then can you meet eye to eye and in the present.

I hope that my experience is helpful to you and your beau.

Ops_guy

BTW, the body posted an article (study) today that is not applicable directly but shows how the poz experience affects us. The article is about sex drive but it shows how our experience can permeate our life. Find it at http://aidsmap.com/en/news/7D802B60-534D-488E-865C-12A9600878D3.asp

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Samurai
Fanatic

Reged: 06/25/08
Posts: 68
Loc: Texas, USA
Re: Need help understanding my positive boyfriend new
      #240908 - 07/23/08 12:03 AM

Get your honey to read this forum.
Death is the last thing we worry about today.

He is so lucky to have you, negative and loving him still.
Don't give up if you love him. This will pass.

The meds today are fantastic with little side effects.
Many other diseases leave no hope to live. That is totally not the case for HIV. Compared to those people, we are lucky to only have HIV. As a pos person that is how I see it.

You did not say how long he has known. It matters. We all go through a grieving process at first.

Keep reading the forum if he won't do it. And tell him the good news you will learn here and at thebody.com.

Best of luck to you my lady!

~Samurai

--------------------
I am forever amazed at the abundance of hydrogen and ignorance in the universe.
~Albert Einstein

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mandaree23
Newbie

Reged: 07/10/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Texas
Re: Need help understanding my positive boyfriend new
      #240998 - 07/26/08 11:51 PM

I would really like to thank all of those who read my post and especially those who replied. I have received a lot of positive comments and advice and it means a lot to receive advice from those of you who know first-hand.

This relationship has been very trying and little of it has to do with his HIV status. At least in my eyes! I suppose it is possible that some of his issues have to do with his diagnosis. Not to mention that he has a commitment phobia and lots of pride. Or maybe the root of it all is fear. Either way, I love him and don't plan to give up on him easily......especially due to his illness. I really wish he would open his eyes and realize what he has right in front of him. Maybe he will, maybe he won't!

Once again, thank you for all the replies and great advice. Best wishes to all of you and thank you for being there for those of us want to better relate to and understand those whom we love.



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