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Carrie
Fanatic

Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 58
HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict...
      #233525 - 11/11/07 03:46 AM

Hello. First off I want to say I'm glad there is a bulletin board for these subjects and appriciate everyone who posts and comments.

My name is Carrie and I am 27 years old. My boyfriend, Phillip, who is HIV positive and is almost 34 years old was diagnosed earlier this summer. He's been in and out of prison most of his life and has also been an IV meth user most of his life. Last weekend Phillip had a heart attack. The dr's said it's becuase of some cocaine he did. He checked himself out of the hospital Against Medical Advice after a day and came to stay with me for a week to recover. I know he should have stayed at the hospital, but he refused to stay and I didn't want him home alone. He lives in Rochester, MN and I live in Minneapolis, MN. I'm glad he is where he is cause he's walking distance from the Mayo Clinic / St. Mary's Hospital.

Anyways, durring the week he was with me he was constantly smoking pot. Though it bothered me, I let him do it. The original plan was that I was going to take him back home (2 hours away) Saturday night (tonight) to spend one more night together then come back tomorrow. Earlier this morning he told me that plans had changed. His friend Jenny who is a severe meth head was going to pick him up, look for dope for her, then they were going to go out shoplifting, return the items to get gift cards, then trade the gift cards to his crack dealing neighbor in exchange for cash, and he would be going back home to his house tonight. Needless to say, I cried and begged him not to. I even loaned him $100 so that he wouldn't have to partake in the whole scam. He did anyways.

I finally got a hold of him threw text messages around 11pm tonight, and he said he couldn't call cause his phone was about to die. I asked him if he was home like he said he would be, and if so, how come he couldn't just plug his phone in. I never got a responce back.

I'm terrified and have been throwing up most of the night I'm so sick to my stomach about the thought of him going out to do dope. Deep down, I know he's out shooting up right now.

We have not slept together or even messed around. We've been VERY carefull about our activities in every way so I don't contract HIV from him.

I guess my question is, how do I deal with this? I don't want to leave him because I care about him more than I can say, and feel as though I am actually falling in love with him. He is VERY stubborn though, and will do whatever he wants. I am a single mother who works full time, lives just with my daughter, recieves no child support and is trying to make it the best as I can as a recovering addict. It's just getting to be too much dealing with everything with him. I mean it's hard enough having a boyfriend who is HIV positive, but when you mix in the fact that he's doing drugs and criminal activities, it's almost to much to take.

I really don't want to leave him, but I know I can't change him. I need some advice on how to deal with this. Please. Thanks for reading this very much.

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vokz
Grand Master

Reged: 09/06/07
Posts: 164
Loc: London, UK
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233528 - 11/11/07 05:36 AM

As you yourself say, you canít change him (at least not until he wants to change / help himself) .. and realistically, anything you do to try to help him, whilst he is still an addict and not wanting to help himself, will just encourage him further.

For your own sanity, get the hell out of the relationship .. or else you will just get dragged back down to his levels.

You have enough on your plate already. You donít need, and probably can't afford, all this as well.

It is painful Ė Iíve been there myself, so I do know Ė but the short-term pain of breaking up is nothing compared to cumulative pain you will be put through if you donít get out of this situation.

I know all the arguments - you have seen the side of him that other people donít see etc. - but is it really worth all the heartache for the sake of those few glimpses of his other self? He doesnít even care about himself, so do you really expect him to respect you as you would like to be respected?

PLEASE, try to be honest with yourself.


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oldwoman
Guardian

Reged: 05/12/07
Posts: 435
Loc: Phila,Pa
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233530 - 11/11/07 10:26 AM

Leave him,you know that you don't need this in your life,you say
"I am a single mother who works full time, lives just with my daughter, recieves no child support and is trying to make it the best as I can as a recovering addict. It's just getting to be too much dealing with everything with him."
Did you really have $100.00 to give him?I'll bet you have many other uses for that money.Do you really want to put your daughter through this?I've been in the same position and can tell you that now looking back I feel bad about all the things I couldn't/didn't do for my kids because I was giving money and time to someone who didn't appreciate me and was only using me for what he could get from me.As a recovering addict yourself do you think that this relationship is helping you at all?Not to mention that with his activities he is risking more jail time and what if you're with him when it happens?Where will that put your daughter?Does she need to go through all this with you?Even though you may not think so even small kids do know what's going on,You said that you've been sick to your stomach and throwing up all night worrying about him.It's not worth all that aggravation for someone who isn't trying to help himself.He's a grown man,let him take care of himself or not that's his choice.You have not only yourself but your daughter to think about.You sound like you know the right thing to do,I know it's hard but be strong and you will make the right decision.Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
{{{{hugs}}}}
Terry

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Carrie
Fanatic

Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 58
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233533 - 11/11/07 01:48 PM

Oh goodness. Great responces. I heard from him this morning via text and he said his cell won't let him make calls, so he doesn't know when he'll be able to call since it's long distance.

I think my heart is wanting the relationship so bad that I'm willing to forgive and forget about everything.

Dumb Dumb. Dumb.

I'm trying to take today and rethink through everything over the past week. Don't know why. It's plain and simple what I should do. But for some reason I don't want to give up on him like everyone else has. Falling for him is making it harder.

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Florida69
Legend

Reged: 02/19/07
Posts: 541
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233554 - 11/14/07 09:33 AM

First and foremost you have to put yourself and your daughter first. I hope Phillip finds his way, but it is not your job to lead him to the right path. You are beating yourself up for his short comings, stop that. I am sorry that you are going through any of this, but you deserve someone that respects and cares for your feelings. Phillip does not even care about himself how can he care about you and your daughter? I am in the legal field, so I am going to tell you (as you know) that his actions are illegal and guess what they can drag you down with him. You have many things to loose including your daughter, and example would be say he brought drugs into the home and your daughter accidentally thinking they were candy took them, (I know you are saying he would never do that). You know that there is no way an addict cares about anything more than his addiction. Good luck to you. D

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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233585 - 11/15/07 03:32 PM

Carrie, your question is how do you deal with this? You don't. I was previously with a man(my daughters father, who infected me) and he was highly into drugs. If he is not willing to quit, you can not make him. There is nothing holding you there, get out! He obviously does not care about his health and there is not much you will do to change that. Trust me when I tell you!
Also giving him money and letting him smoke pot is just nabeling him to do things that are bad for his health. You need to put and end to thins and do it soon before you are dragged down with him!

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233634 - 11/17/07 08:25 AM

Carrie practice some tuff love and say GOODBYE! You do not want this roller coaster ride. He will most certainly take you down with him... Hiv aint gona kill him but his addictions will and real fast.. I urge you to distance yourself until he is clean and sober for a good while and NEVER EVER before.. Dont make deals with him! -trust

Signed,

A recovered enabler

E

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Carrie
Fanatic

Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 58
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233749 - 11/20/07 01:32 AM

Things are better!!! He came back to stay with me and has been sober for the whole week. I know a week doesn't seem long to most, but for an addict it's a REALLY long time! We've set down some ground rules about using, trust, and what I will and won't deal with (with reguards to me and anything being around my daughter). He told me he loves me this past week, and without hesitation I told him that I love him too. Things are going really well. Thanksgiving we are going to eachothers familys houses, so that'll be interesting. lol

I'm still being cautious and telling him what's on my mind. I sincerly appriciate everyones advice they gave me. I really think that this is going to go far.....



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vokz
Grand Master

Reged: 09/06/07
Posts: 164
Loc: London, UK
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233751 - 11/20/07 05:47 AM

Carrie,

If I am honest, I sort of admire what you are doing.

If he takes this opportunity to sort himself out, then you will probably have a friend for life .. but please promise me that you will have the strength to stand your ground, to not keep forgiving lapses in behaviour and to know when it is time, for your sake, to say enough is enough.

Donít invest more than you are getting back, always hold something back for yourself and never tolerate being used as a convenience or a doormat.

I really hope it works out for you.

HUGS


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Florida69
Legend

Reged: 02/19/07
Posts: 541
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233759 - 11/20/07 09:05 AM

I am totally with vokz on this one, I hope that it works out for you and him. I know one day at a time. Good luck and please take care, D

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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233806 - 11/21/07 07:43 AM

OH Carrie.
I want to say that I see this from both angels. I have been there. I know when my ex was staying clean and it was so nice for a while just to go back to the same crap. I was also on your side believing everything would work out. 5 years later I have a daughter he was no where around for and HIV.
I am not trying to be a cold bi@@@. I just want you to step with one foot, and do nott leap. Know that once a drug addict, always a drug addict even in recovery. He always has that chance to fall off the wagon and if you will support that wonderful. Also remember that he is trying to do this all on his own, no help which will make it harder. Carrie, just take it slow and you have to be cautious! Good luck, I hope it will work out!

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #233883 - 11/22/07 10:26 PM

[quote]Dont make deals with him! -trust

Carrie... Be careful.. I mean it!

Signed,

A recovered enabler

E [/quote]

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tori2
Newbie

Reged: 12/02/07
Posts: 5
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #234088 - 12/02/07 12:18 PM

LISTEN UP, He is a grown man living his own life and he has a sucker for a friend like you. I don't want to be mean but you need to hear this. My father and mother were both dope addicts. They were like this when I was a child into my adulthood life. My father after 18 years finally stopped. My father after 37 years of my life is still at it. He's still doing the same thing I believe he is positve but I can't get him to test. One thing I remeber about dope heads is that they don't care about anything except getting dope. It sounds like you are all alone and when he comes around you have company. Join some single mother support groups and get some friends. This is not a friend. Think about your little child. I was a child and the experience was horrible and I have emotional problems to this day. Join a exerise club and find some new friends, go to church, find something else to do besides this. Enjoy your life because this life is too short for this kind of mess. Go on vacation ENJOY YOUR LIFE.

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Carrie
Fanatic

Reged: 11/11/07
Posts: 58
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #234111 - 12/03/07 03:13 PM

Well tori2, I'm guessing you haven't read the rest of the way down to see my other posts. He is doing very well in recovery and I am helping him take care of his health issues (not doing it for him). A month ago he had a heart attack and is since recovering from it. We spent Thanksgiving together and with his family. It was wonderful!!!

We have been doing alot of talking, and keep open minds to everything that the other person has to say. Complete openess and honesty!

I am also a recovering addict, so I know what it's like to quit. I'm not giving up on him. I firmly don't believe that I'm a "Sucker of a friend". I'm actually insulted that you said that. Such harshness.

I hope that next time you read the rest of the posts before you post such as impolite responce. Thanks.

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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: HIV Positive boyfriend who is a drug addict... new
      #234138 - 12/04/07 09:19 AM

Carrie I am glad to see everything is going so well. I hope that he does have the strngth to stay clean and things work out. Good luck.

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