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feeling helpless

My Lover Has HIV
      #205208 - 08/28/06 03:04 PM

Hello, About ten months ago my lover told me he was HIV+. At the time, he was very sick and in the hospital from an infection. I basicly took care of him and when he came home from the hospital, he moved in with me for several months. We really didn't discuss his hiv status much. About four months ago, he decided to move out on his own. Needless to say, there is a lot of other stuff that happened between us but we separated for a while. We got back together about two months ago but he has been very distant. Altough he has found his own place, it feels like we're not really lovers although he says we still are and that he loves me. He seems very depressed. We ahven't been intamate for over a year. I am so confused and don't know what to do for him or what to say to him sometimes. I'm also frustrated because although it's not that I need the sex but I do need to know I am loved. I know he's going through so much but he seems to not want to deal with it. A part of me wants to leave the situation butthen I feel so guilty. I love him with all my heart but I'm so frustrated and feel very hurt about so many things. Would like to talk to others who have found out they are HIV or who are in relationships with someone who is HIV+, particularly gay men. THanks!

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Reged: 12/21/05
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Re: My Lover Has HIV new
      #205327 - 08/29/06 12:23 PM

There are a few negative --positive couples who post on the forums here and if you want to reach them it might be a good idea to post in GayMen or Living With HIV. However, I know its difficult adjusting to being HIV positive. Your friend needs your support. Tell him you love him.
It also would be a good idea to register so that you will have a profile and can recieve private messages.

6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Re: My Lover Has HIV new
      #206665 - 09/10/06 03:28 PM

Ther is a couple in my support group where the wife is negative and the hubby is positive. Their relationship is strong and are still sexually active with each other. I believe it is all based on learning TOGETHER how you as a couple can still flourish. Do you both go to any support groups? Have you spoken to his doctor together regarding your relating to each other. It sounds like some counseling separate and together are in much need. Just because you have different medical statuses doesn't mean that your marriage has to suffer. But I would seriouly would consiser some serious and intelligent counceling. This can make your marriage stronger if approached with this goal in mind and heart.

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Re: My Lover Has HIV new
      #209862 - 10/04/06 09:45 AM

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Re: My Lover Has HIV new
      #211390 - 10/12/06 01:43 AM

My partner of 5 years was hospitalized several months ago for a bad infection. He had thought he had asked his doctor to run an HIV test. Since nothing was said about it by the doctor, it was assumed he was still negative. We have been getting tested every six months. On our next HIV test he came up positive, me negative. I was beside myself for several weeks. My first instinct was to become positive also so we would not have anything between us. I couldn't sleep at night worrying about what I could do for him. I was afraid he would leave me to "protect" me. He wished to keep his HIV+ status private. I felt isolated because I had no one I could talk with about the situation. His friends were my friends. I couldn't talk to any of my usual support group because that would violate the promise to keep the information private between us. Finally, turning to the anonymous Internet I found an article that talked about over compensating, trying to do too much. I recognized myself. I finally calmed down enough to at least sleep. All I could do was reassure him I would not leave him.

We are working through the issues. He is seeing a doctor who specializes in the treatment of AIDS. We have talked aobut my need to have someone to talk with besides him about issues. We have identified resources in a nearby area that has AIDS counselors. I have found new "anonymous" friends on the Internet that do not know our circle of friends. We are quickly learning that we don't need to sweat the small stuff in life and 99.9% of things in life are small stuff. At this point we will continue to monitor his status and keep him as healthy as possible. We will continue to talk about what is bothering us.

As for me worrying about becoming positive, also? I tell myself that 99.9% of the stuff in life is small stuff, staying with my man falls in that category of 0.1% of the big stuff in life.

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