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What to expect - want to quit my job - should I?
      #201736 - 07/28/06 11:17 AM

Hello, I am the wife of a hiv+ husband. We are both the breadwinners in the family of four kids. He was diagnosed three years ago and is not on meds, his cd4 is around 320 and viral load around 50k to 80k. We are planning on buying a bigger house, larger mortgage for the kids and us and me to quit my job and stay home with them. So, the finances will lay entirely on my husband. He has a large high paying traveling sales job. I have been told he can live a normal life, but I am still nervous to put everything on him. Will he still be able to lead such a hectic job when he starts meds? Will he be able to do this until the kids are grown and put them thru college? they are all under 10. We are in are mid thirties. I need some guidance in this area. It is just to hard for me to work with 4 kids that have a million activities etc and need me at home to guide them.... but I am scared. If i step out of the job market now for an extended period of time, I will not be able to pick up where I left off with such an absence in my field.. Thanks

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Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: What to expect - want to quit my job - should I? new
      #201738 - 07/28/06 11:48 AM

Welcome. Its nice to hear from you. I dont detect a sense of panic in your post....just some hard choices. But its not an easy choice. Your options:
1. Dont get the bigger house and more financial responsibility....stay smaller and you take more time for the kids.
2. Go bigger and you both work. Get day care. Pay more, spend more and stress more.
3. Put all responsibility on hubby, and go for the big house.
4. Look for compromise as far as work is concerned for YOU.
In any case I would recommend taking out a disability insurance policy on hubby or at least make sure before you take a big step that your financial future is assured. You have to protect the kids and your future. ( Easier said than done.)

6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Reged: 03/21/06
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Loc: South
Re: What to expect - want to quit my job - should I? new
      #201750 - 07/28/06 02:12 PM

Welcome to theBody!

Shortly after finding out I was poz, my said that she could not deal with the stress and talked about quitting her job or working part time. The truth of the matter is, it would have probably been good for her in the short-term, but horrible for me and the rest of the family in the long run.

First of all, it would mean that all or most of the financial responsibilities would be on me, which could lead to a stressful lifestyle for me...which could escalate the virus.

Secondly, I estimated what it could cost if I didn't have her insurance as a secondary coverer. It was astounding!

We decided to leave things as they are right now. Having to get use to my condition is stressful enough. There was no need to add additional worry. Later we will consider letting my wife work part time, provided her job has insurance and allows me secondary coverage.

Obviously, the decision is your husband's and yours. I just strongly suggest that you look at all possible scenarios, run the numbers, and sleep on things before making such a huge move.

By the way, when our youngest child was old enough to go to pre-school, we found that we could hire an "Aunt Bea" type woman for the cost of after school care for our three children. She was great!!! She arrived at our home just before the school bus dropped off the kids. She made sure the kids had a snack and assisted them with homework; she did small cores around the house and would even start dinner if she knew what my wife wanted cooked. She was there from 2:30 - 6:30 pm, which gave my wife and me time to run errands after work if necessary. You might want to consider that option. We found her through asking around at church. She was the mother of a friend from church who'd recently retired and used it as a way to get some additional spending money.

Good luck!

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Re: What to expect - want to quit my job - should I? new
      #201826 - 07/28/06 10:49 PM

Thanks all. I appreciate your help. We don't need to get the bigger house. But even with the smaller house I stil want to not work and stay home and he still would be the sole breadwinner etc. I guess I just don't know if the meds could keep him from working like he does now.....

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Reged: 05/20/06
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Loc: NY, NY
Re: What to expect - want to quit my job - should I? new
      #202115 - 07/31/06 11:49 PM

I don't think the (side effects of) meds in general will keep him from having a fruitful career. I am recently diagnosed, and three months on meds (combivir + sustiva) - to be honest, I feel better than I felt before I started, both mentally and physically.

My job includes travel, both domestic and international, and also is in sales - I pack my meds, set a timer to remember to take them across time zones, and I "sell sell sell" - closing a deal is still a rush, and something that definitely gives me great satisfaction.

Love, support and success will sustain him, and side effects from the meds will not hold him back. Please tell him I see many quarters of him making his quota... :-)

Edited by SoSadTooBad (07/31/06 11:51 PM)

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Reged: 01/05/06
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Re: What to expect - want to quit my job - should I? new
      #202158 - 08/01/06 02:30 PM

Welcome. I would have to say that if you could stay smaller, do it. I know as a mother of 2, when we moved into our home and our mortgage is less then we were paying in rent, that me not having to work was constantly coming out of my husbands mouth. I now stay home and even though I get bored some of the time, I love it. I am glad we are able to do it and I can spend the time with my children.
The timing worked out pretty good since at the time I left my job I landed in the hospital and that is when I found out about my diagnosis. I feel that you are better off with more time with your husband and children then more space. If you were to go bigger, your husband would probably have to work more and you might see less of him, especially if you are not working. That may also wear him down faster as anyone. He can do fine being the sole bread winner for longer then many people expect I am sure, but now is the time to take many things into consideration that you may not have before. You do not want to run him down to much as that can cause more damage to his body, also, if he does end up needing meds, which hopefully he will not need for a while, he may get somewhat fatigued on them so too many hours to make a payment for a bigger house may be to much. Little things like that are what count.
Good luck

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Reged: 11/07/05
Posts: 149
Loc: Texas, USA
Re: What to expect - want to quit my job - should new
      #203764 - 08/16/06 11:32 PM

I would suggest that maybe you can just switch to less hours at work or, if that's not an option, find another job that's part-time or that you can do from home.

As nice as being a stay-at-home mom sounds at times, I know that, personally, I would go nuts after a while without my little 'retreat' AKA my job (even if it hasn't been so great lately). Even if you have 4 kids under the age of 10, it won't be too long before they are all in school from 8am-3pm Mon-Fri. So find a job that fits into those hours.

As far as laying the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner on hubby, I don't think it'd be wise (or fair). Granted he may be fine for a while, if/when he does go on meds there is no real way to predict how they will affect him. What happens if he is extremely ill until they find the right dosages and combinations for him? How much time could he miss from work and still pay the bills? Especially if you opt for the larger house.

Just a few thoughts, only you can decide what is truly best for your family.

It's you that I live for and for you that I die.
So I'll lay here with you until the final goodbye

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