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Brothre w/ HIV and disclosure
#198471 - 07/01/06 08:18 AM
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I have a brother whom I am very close with and love dearly. He was diagnosed with HIV 2 years ago and is still not on meds. His viral load is between 50k and 80k and cd4 around 350, I think. Anyway, He has been dating a girl for six months and I asked him if he disclosed and he said he just can not do it. He is too afraid to lose her. They already have a rocky relationship and I do think she might leave him too for the fact that he has been lying to her about this for six months. He says he always uses condoms. I asked him what about oral, and he said yes to that too. But I do not believe that one bit. Why would she use condoms for oral? She was married for the last 20 years with 3 kids. If she was anything like me, I did not know anything or even think about HIV until I found out about my brother. Anyway, we have had this talk 20 times and he refuses to disclose and said he will never speak to me again if I do... I know he is scared, but now I am so worried about her and also can he get in trouble with the law? I checked with our health department in Massachusetts and they told me it is up to everyone to protect theirselves and not take someone's word. Is this true? I keep hearing about people getting in trouble for non disclosure. I don't know what to do and I feel so guilty. Can I get in trouble?
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Damn. I have two brothers and we never have had such indepth conversations about our sex lives. They also leave me alone to make my own decisions about how to handle my own illness. After all, what I do is not any of their business.
Should he disclose. Sure he should. The fact he hasn't already probably will be a deal breaker with she does find out. It's a matter of trust and she will never trust him after she finds out. I know he is justifing this in his mind because he is using condoms, but the point is that he took her choice away. She won't forgive him for that. He should have told her sooner, but I understand the fear of disclosure. The fear of rejection. Pretty human emotions HIV+ or -.
Oh, and the oral that you grilled him about. Long term studies of serodiscordant couples have shown that unprotected oral sex with PROTECTED intercourse has never lead to infection of the HIV negative partner.
Is it up to you to inject yourself in the middle of all this. No it isn't. Disclosure is up to the person that is HIV+, not for some third party to do, no matter how well meaning they see their role.
Mass. is right. It is up to EVERYONE to PROTECT their own health. It's called personal responsiblity. That should be stressed more than prosecution of people with HIV. We are too quick to want to blame others for our own stupid decisions. She's a grown up. She should know protection should always be used until two people decide to have a monogomous relationship and get tested together for ALL STDs. It's her responsiblity to know this. The fact she was married for 20 years and now is out on the dating scene is no excuse.
It's great you support your brother, but let him manage his own life. If you really want to be support, then get him to see his doctor. With his CD4 at 350 and viral load where it is he should be on meds. The CDC recommendation is CD4 <= 350 or a viral load > 35K. Encourage him to discuss this with his doctor.
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Thanks for your reply, i guess i should say only reply. I guess I am so sick of laws and what is right and what is wrong and my gut feeling is he is wrong that he is not tellng her and you know what barely any one responded probally because they think it too but do not want to sa so....
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Survivor
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Legend
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Reged: 10/30/05
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Posts: 3256
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Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
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She WILL find out in his/her time, not yours... "Turn it over".. I know you have asked this question before..
Best
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Oh, don't get me wrong. I think he's wrong also, but like I said, it's not up to you to disclose. No matter how well meaning your motives.
You have to understand. Society makes us feel stupid, irresponsible, dangerous, dirty. It’s hard not to believe all that when it’s reinforced in various ways. A demeaning comment overheard…or a joke. Someone taking two steps back away from you've after you've screwed up the nerve to tell them. Or the unwillingness to talk about HIV from people close to you that do know your status.
Fighting the stigma isn’t just about educating the general public. It also means helping people come to terms with their infections and get comfortable with themselves. It’s a lot easier to disclose if you are OK with yourself.
As you already have said, your brother is afraid that she will bail on him if she finds out. Fear of rejection is a big thing with those of us living with this. We face it in our everyday mundane encounters, that is sometimes bad enough. It's terrifying to think of disclosing to someone we are interested in. He is using condoms. He is protecting her. The biggest problem is the relationship will take a major hit when she finds out....and she will someday. These things never turn out well.
Your brother is just being very human. It takes a long time for a person to come to terms with this disease and feel at ease with themselves. Until they can do that, they can't feel comfortable with disclosure.
The whole disclosure issue is a tough one. Life is more gray than black and white.
While you should not disclose, you might want to put this bug in his ear. Would he rather disclose when a condom breaks? At that point not disclosing would be unconscionable. The ensuing storm would be of monumental proportions.
Again, the best way to help him and indirectly her would be for him to get himself on medicaiton. Getting his viral load down to undetectable would dramatically decreased her chances of getting infected would a condom break. Not to mention be a really good thing for him healthwise.
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SA_Intellect
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Guru
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Reged: 03/27/06
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Posts: 247
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Loc: San Antonio, Texas
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You cannot get into trouble because you have not anything. It is not your responsibility under the law to inform a person about another person's health risks. However, the California Supreme Court in July ruled that a person can be sued for transmitting HIV to someone if there is reason to believe one my be infected (e.g. former drug use), even if the infected person did not know they the virus. I don't know if this will become a national trend. Right now, it's only California.
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