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Family and Friends >> My Loved One Has HIV/AIDS

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Anonymous
Unregistered

supporting my spouse
      #187487 - 04/21/06 10:19 PM

my husband has hiv. we found out about a year ago. just starting going to the dr a couple of months ago and its becoming more of a reality. (i'm neg). he has tested pos for the latent tb so he has to take that drug. numbers are all very good and he does not need meds. he wont talk about it much, i tell him that anytime he wants to talk i am here to listen and i do talk about it occassionally and never in a negative way or during an argument. occassionally he says i think i'm going to die or i'm dying and i'll say what, why do u think that? and he says just kidding but i know he's serious. i know he thinks about it because he'll ask a random question about it just out of the blue. i told him we can go talk to the caseworker at the aids org and he never said anything. we have had sex once in the last year and now when i try to initiate something he pushes me away. other than kissing. i asked him why he does not feel like having sex and he said every since the diagnosis he just doesnt feel the desire (even though i can tell he is aroused sometimes when we cuddle). he does kiss me and hug me so i am glad for that. but its difficult that he does not want to be intimate. i try to tell myself that its not because he isnt attracted to me but i still miss the special connection and worry he doesnt love me even though i know he does. has anyone else had similar lack of intimacy probs or suggestions? he's a guys guy and doesnt talk about his problems too much. the other thing i'm worried he's not talking about is about having kids some day. i cant carry children (but have healthy ovaries) the plan was always to go thru a surrogate-in vitro- but now not sure if it is possible now with the hiv. anyone have any references for me? i guess i should get a counselor or something

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: supporting my spouse new
      #187506 - 04/22/06 08:12 AM

Right now I am in the process of loosing someone I love so very much. His friend may have hiv and he had gotten into a fight with him, and at the end they were throwing the blood around... not literally, but I hope you know what I mean. He is extremely worried about it... He says that if he has it he will be forced to leave me because we have not yet been sexually active, but we have been together for a few years, the reason that we havent been active is because we both agreed that we have made many mistakes in our lives and want to wait until its perfect, not just a gay little screw. I know your not going to be full of advice for me but I really need some help, I dont want to lose him and if the test comes back possitive Im afraid I will. I told him I dont care, we can jsut live it out, normal and perfect, I wish nothin more than that. He says that I can still lie a healthy life and that if he does have it... that I am soposed to move on and forget about him, he doesnt want to hurt me anymore than he has to... please write me back, I really am looking for suport... I am only 17 years old and I feel as if my life is already ending... please email me... busse_22@hotmail.com

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Jenni
Master

Reged: 11/06/05
Posts: 149
Loc: Texas, USA
Re: supporting my spouse new
      #187559 - 04/22/06 03:05 PM

To the original poster:

I feel your pain about the lack of intimacy... My bf found out he was + a year ago and I, so far, am testing -. Unlike you, I get NO affection. He doesn't even like to hold my hand. We have had sex maybe 4 or 5 times since his diagnosis and the last time I could tell he didn't want to so I've left the issue alone. Yes, I miss sex, but if he's not comfortable with it I'll sacrifice that. He hasn't gone to the Dr. yet but I have called the ConsortiaCare clinic in our region and gotten the info and paperwork mailed to me to fill out so that I can drag him in.

My bf likens (even protected) sex with me to 'fucking' me with a loaded gun pointed at my head. I certainly do not feel that way... My love and desire for him have not diminished in the least. I'm not scared of him.

You may just have to be patient. You've stayed through the most devastating part, learning his status, you can deal with the rest. It'll be hard but I'm sure he's worth it. If he is anything like my bf, he is just going to have to come to grips with this and he will have to do it in his own time.

Good luck and if you need to talk you can PM me anytime.

To the responder:

I'm not quite sure I fully grasp your story... Could you please clarify is your loved one + or has he just been exposed?

--------------------
It's you that I live for and for you that I die.
So I'll lay here with you until the final goodbye

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JonCage
Master

Reged: 04/13/06
Posts: 130
Re: supporting my spouse new
      #187597 - 04/23/06 02:04 AM

It takes a big toll on a person once they have been diagnosed. Fear, anxiety, uncertainty will consume him until he learns to accept and live with HIV.

His current actions towards you is not reflective of how he feels. Sex may be the last thing on his mind because he may believes that sex is what was the proximate cause of his diagnosis ( I am only speculating).

There have been many case studies on discordant couples that prove effective condom use will not lead to infection. These cases were studied for more than a decade. Although giving oral sex is a theoretical risk, not one of these cases found that infection occurred thru unprotected oral.

It seems that you are the glue that keeps this relationship together. If it helps, I would suggest you and your hubby speak with a counselor about your feelings. An open line of communication is the best way.

Your husband needs to know that many individuals that have been diagnosed with HIV live a healthy and normal life due to current treatments. It's amazing how far we have gone since the beginning of this pandemic and it will only get better with time.

--------------------
Red like love, as a symbol of passion and tolerance towards those affected

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franfrog
Legend

Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: supporting my spouse new
      #187611 - 04/23/06 10:53 AM

It is true. I found out a year ago I tested poz and for about 4 years y husband and I had been having unprotected sex. He has since tested negative and I was very against having any sort of sex with him after my diagnosis. I knew what the precautions were and knew how safe with a condom it was but I was still very hesitant. I now a year later am just starting to come around. Still very nervous and cautious but I know I am not over this yet. It will take time. I might suggest talikning to a counslor with him or a doctor. Good luck! By the way, I give you much credit for standing by his side. It can be a long winding road but you can do it.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: supporting my spouse new
      #188161 - 04/26/06 11:02 PM

This situation is loaded for all parties involved. I have been positive for many years and found out after our first child was born. Fortunately both my spouse and child were negative. But after over 12 years of alienation, ignorance and abuse from my spouse, our marriage ended in divorce.

When one party refuses to push to understand the realities facing the other person then the very foundation of the relationship is undermined.

The issues around HIV became the cornerstone of the divorce proceedings and although the issues were not directly considered in the custody and legal arguments they became the large elephant in the corner that everyone saw but no one would address.

The Judge to his credit ruled against the use of medical information in the trial however it did not stopped my spouse from using AIDS as the primary reason for the divorce and an indication of fitness as a parent. HIV was not the reason but a relatively easy scapegoat for deeper problems that will arise in any relationship.

What I have learned here is that ignorance and predjudice is rampant in our legal system. Personally, I have been disgusted by the system and its pleading of ignorance by the court officers as a reason for not addressing the realities that many families have and will face.

As HIV progresses the challenges and hurdles people face will require more understanding and patience by all parties impacted. I encourage others to challenge themselves to better understand the realities of those affected by AIDS. Otherwise you will find yourself inflicting more pain in an already painful situation.

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Choosing2Liv
Legend

Reged: 03/21/06
Posts: 581
Loc: South
Message for Anonymous new
      #188227 - 04/27/06 11:08 AM

I may soon find myself in a similar situation as yours and would appreciate if you'd share with me some of the things you've learned from your ordeal (i.e., what to do and not do, how to prepare, tricks the opposing attorney used, etc.).

You can send me a pm or email me at choosing2live@hotmail.com

Thanks,
Gary

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: supporting my spouse new
      #216319 - 11/29/06 11:03 PM

I like you am having a very hard time. I knew my husband had HIV when we started seeing each other. Things seemed so great in the beginng but now I feel so unhappy. We got married in June adnd he didn't even make love to me on our wedding night. It was only after I mentioned something that he finally consumated our marriage two days later. And he has not even touched me once since. I feel like I am the most undesireble person alive and that we would be better off apart. any words for the depressed?

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