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Anonymous
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Depressed - can not find a solution
      #177426 - 02/27/06 07:46 AM

Hello,
My ex husband has hiv and "had" a drug problem. Due to the drug problem the hiv situation was revealed to my family when I had to be tested while pregnant after his illness and diagnosis. I left him due to the drug problem. Now he is recovering from his drug problem two years later and seems different. I still love him and have children with him. He wants ot get back together. I do too if his drug problem is gone for good. the problem is due to so many problems my parents and brothers and sister n laws dislike him so much. I know if I went back to him it would sever ties with my family and brothers. This would affect my kids who are so close to my parents and cousins. They would lose my family. Also, my father has helped me financially greatly. I feel I would be betraying him. But the other side of the choice is I would be spending my life not with the one I love. But if I went back to him I would feel so funny that parents know I am sleeping with someone who has hiv and putting my life at risk. I am so upset because I wish they never found out, but they did and I don't know what to do.....

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Anonymous
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Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #177440 - 02/27/06 09:18 AM

honey...
afterr all is your heart that aches. people should help you, be supportive for who you are, and what you means to them, no cause you do what they think is right.
been with a drug abuser plus been poz, it is a big deal. if they are worry about you...well they do have right to, but they can not keep you for make your own decisions.

if this person has change, he deserve a second chance, only if you know in your heart that he is been truly to you, to himself and others.

i am an alcoholic myself, and many, many times i have lost friends, family, lovers cause of it, but i know in my heart no matter how long i stay sober, i have not give up the habit for good yet. this will cause some pain in the future with my actual BF, also my health.

so. if he is that sincere with you, maybe something good can came out of it.

if he lie to you about been clean and go back with you cause his own needs, he then do not deserve you, or your family compassion.

weight things out.
by
now, you have grown a little more, and you know in your heart what is true.

do not feel pitty, sad or remorse for him if your desicion is not to go back with him. we are with someone cause we love them unconditionally and with out reasons, reasons, excuses, and situations only make a joke of the love we really feel, and at the end, it does not work.

your family as much as you love them, have to understand that for more love than they give you, there is a empty space in you that no one at this point had fill, if it is your ex...only you know, but do not stop you heart from feelintg and acting on it.

GOD bless you.

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #177518 - 02/27/06 06:50 PM

Ann Landers, in a column long ago, said to someone who was agonizing over a choice LIKE YOURS:
"If you can answer the question: Are you better off with him or without him, then you have your answer to the dilemma of what to do.

I always though she was dead on the money with that.

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #177526 - 02/27/06 08:05 PM

Hmmm good point! But I don't know if I am better off with him or without him. Should I date him again to see? How can I answer that question?

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still_here
Guardian

Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #177534 - 02/27/06 08:55 PM

if you can't think of a reason to stay....

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #177596 - 02/28/06 06:49 AM

You can try to share some quality time with him to see how things goes. not necessarely dating 100%. this is the tricky part...what do you think will be diferent this time?
has he changed for real?
are you ready to deal with all the other issues that going back with him will bring?
only you can decided, but remember...you only will move forward once you decided which way to go, but do not stay stock.

Good luck.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #177597 - 02/28/06 07:12 AM

Well, I believe he is really getting over his drug addiction and that was the only thing that I was always upset about. Everything else I loved about him. He is really really bad with money though, Do you think that can change?

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #177598 - 02/28/06 07:14 AM

I do have a reason to stay, I think. I am very very physically attracted to him and his personality I absolutely love. We can talk about anything and also my kids would have a whole family, not a divorced one. I am just afraid that if I go back he could relapse again and NO one would be there to help me this time for sure....

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #177913 - 03/02/06 01:00 AM

I have the similar situation. I am thinking about taking mine back as well. I guess I will have to be willing to take the chance, however, I do not feel I'm risking my life, condoms, precautions, my family will not help me again if I do go back and it will alienate alot of them as well. I was told to seperate hiv/addiction, take hiv away, no one would have the problem with it, really, so there is the prejudice, it is sad, I know. I have alot of praying to do, and I have been through alot and still love mine, not all of his ways, or his omission of disclosing status. Yet, the bible teaches forgiveness, compassion--program teaches tolerance, patience--I am unsure myself of my guys intentions as well.

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #178102 - 03/03/06 12:37 AM

I have decided to take my guy back, i love him and I want to be with him. i am working a couple of jobs so I won't have to ask my family for help, I hate to feel controlled anyways.
My situation is a little different though. I am not going to worry about what other people think, I wish mine had been clean for two years, I'd be back in a heartbeat. That is a long time.

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Survivor
Legend

Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #178104 - 03/03/06 12:49 AM

Speaking for your husband. He has a disease. This is addiction. You have to look at hiv to but not as much as the addiction. Is he doing the work to stay clean? Have you talked to him about this.. Your family also needs a bit of help. He is a hopefully recovering addict. Why would you hold this against him? Its a disease!?!?!?! This is not a choice. If managed its chronic and its never going to go away. You fell in love with an addict. With that comes some reponsibilities on his part. As well as for you. You need to understand this disease. Just like you are learning about hiv stuff. If there is love the you can work out the family shit... Mates are not falling out of the heavens these days you know. The grass is really not always greener you know?? Relationships are just that. You have to RELATE and talk and communicate. Get counceling go to AA/NA whatever. Join Ala-Non. My Mom and Dad have been together 50 years. Dad is in AA for the past 35 and Mom has been in AL-Anon for 36. They love eachother. Dont let hiv come into play here except to play safe. JEEZ-LA-WEEZ. Take everything you just said and take bits of it. Dont roll this up into one tiddy package and either love it or toss it out with the morning garbage. Life is short, make decisions but dont jump to them!!!!!!

All my Best to you and yours,

Love

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Anonymous
Unregistered

Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #178296 - 03/04/06 07:57 AM

Thanks for everyone advice and replies. I made a mistake though! I meant to say I left him two years ago and he has been clean for a month. How long should he be clean before I go back? I have kids and don't want to hurt them

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Bear60
Legend

Reged: 12/21/05
Posts: 1390
Re: Depressed - can not find a solution new
      #178300 - 03/04/06 08:07 AM

I'd go for the TWO YEARS and then see.

--------------------
6 ft tall poz bear in Philadelphia

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