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Forgiveness versus Naivity
      #176895 - 02/24/06 12:09 AM

I am the same lady that was posting last December about finding out my husband of a year and a half[although we'd been together for 7 years total] in a beautiful, very intimate, lovely relationship] that my husband was positive for many years but was in denial and was not on medicine. At any rate since we had such a beautiful loving relationship I was so hurt and shocked about this betrayal. Alot of members told me that for me to stay with him would probably be contigent upon his behavior toward me now---well, it was not nice, he relasped on crack cocaine. He was so thin, so sick and he went on these 3 day crack runs, and when the car would break down or he would run out of dope and pawned what jewelry he had on, he would call begging me to come pick him up. It was scary watching hiim self destruct, picking him up he would be balled up in a knot, freezing cold, shaking. He was actually suicidal, I thought. It seemed as though he temporarily lost his mind. His count was under 20, viral load was not that high, before he used he had relasped in terms of his behavior, he was so nervous and jittery, understandably so, because it was obvious he had AIDS, that is a certain look, people would come up and ask me if I was positive as well, I learned very many people whose brothers or sisters had AIDS. Somehow word had got around that he hadn't told me and my family in particular was very rejecting, I was in a rage at them about that, and I can't change that. Or the stigma. I see the stigma as being to blame with him not telling me. I can not be the judge of that. However, being a recovering alcholic and addict myself, I cannot be around dope, I tried to stick it out, but couldn't ---- I got a divorce. DHS took his child from me. Then he was busted and offered 5 in 7 out on paper, meanwhile I'm keeping track from a distance, his sister stole his ssi check instead of bonding him out, she spent it, so he did a couple of months in jail. His mother blew him off, his grandma said she couldn't deal with it, his brothers blew him off. He wrote me a letter saying please don't give the ssi check to his sis again. So I went with her, she tried to keep me from it. But I went. I asked her if she was going to let him stay with her when he was released she said he was on his own, she didn't have anyplace for him to stay. Anyways, he agreed to go into treatment, I asked him to please go into long-term treatment, he's hard core, ya know.

At any rate he has been calling me, saying he had been full of fear, thought he was going to die and had just given up and had thought I was seeing another man, because I was gone so much. I guess, with hindsight, I was because I was really freaked out, I nursed him back to somewhat of health, and I was so angry with him, I tried to keep it to myself, but I dought I did. My point is I wish I'd handled it better. I think I was being selfish as well, worried about my own health and whether he really loved me and if so why?????why???Why risk my health?

At any rate, I am still in love with my husband. I mean my ex-husband. He is still in love with me. He wants to come home after drug treatment, long-term treatment or at least several months of it.

I'm asking for opinions, I suppose, and I think I would like to hear from people who are positive or very supportive of positive people. Perhaps people who have had tremendous denial of their pos status or perhaps people who haven't disclosed status to lovers, wives, etc...

No this is not a popular situation but I'm not into political situations, just my own dire straits. Should I or Shouldn't I? There are times he has said, you go on and find somebody else while you have the chance. What I did was so wrong I feel it every day.

Has anyone been able to move past a situation like this and mend fences with their loved one?

I know it happens alot, please let me hear from you and those of you that just read along afraid to post and bare it all for fear of judgment.

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Reged: 02/07/05
Posts: 248
Loc: Florida
Re: Forgiveness versus Naivity new
      #176905 - 02/24/06 12:40 AM

Nobody can answer this question for you. That has to come from you. Yes my husband did the same things. He was in denial, didnt take his meds, went through rehab for coke addiction. EVERY story has a different background. You have to base your decision on what you think is best. PLUS IF YOU DO DECIDE TO GO BACK DONT PUT UP WITH ANY OF HIS SHIT. You are recovering, you know how much baggage will come with this. So really think about it.

Never forget: Life is too precious to take for granted.

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Reged: 10/30/05
Posts: 3256
Loc: Get off the fence and live again!
Re: Forgiveness versus Naivity new
      #176907 - 02/24/06 12:51 AM

Welcome Naivity..

It is totally amazing what has happened between December and now in your life. I think you know your program and what it teaches you to do. Apply this with your relationship. The drugs have got to stop for your own welbeing. And, hopefully, rehab is going to make that possible.. It just depends if he hit the wall hard enough this go around. If you still love him, dont make a big issue out of it, FORGIVE HIM. Alcohol, drugs and addiction is a DISEASE. Even more so than what hiv is as a condition. Your addiction will take you from this planet faster than hiv I ashure you. So, take hiv out of this situation for the moment. Concentrate on the love and the "practicing the principles in all of our affairs". Use the steps, it will save your life, your husband and you. Forget hiv just have it taken care of by your doctor. You get to work on life stuff...

Communication between you and your X or soon to be un-X'd is the key. I tell my husband everything I know, everything I do. Share everything I have. Care for his every need. I am blessed. Secrets KILL. So, Dont have them..

I hope your life comes back together... Its worth it..

All my Love to you and your husband..

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Reged: 01/05/06
Posts: 1342
Loc: NJ
Re: Forgiveness versus Naivity new
      #176951 - 02/24/06 09:25 AM

I was in the same situation. My ex(boyfriend) who is the father of my 8 year old daughter. Well he came into my life when I was alone with my 1 and a half year old son at that time like a ton of bricks. He was like prince charming. He was 12 years my senior but I did not care. I fell for him FAST. We ended up moving in together. He turned out to be addicted to crack/cocaine. Well I thought I could change that. He would go on week long binges, decide he wanted to get clean adn last for a week or two then right back to it. This continued for years. When I became pregnant about 2 years into our relationship I thought that would be the end. He already had two daughters but neither of them were around much. If I had a baby and she was there with him he would change. NO! I still tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, I loved him. 2 more years of it. I finally left. He did not come around to see his daughter. After about 7 years of him not being around I end upp in the hospital with pcp. Get my poz diagnosis. No faster then I am out of the hospital, I got a call from his sister. He is in the hospital dying adn wants to see my daughter. Well, needless to say I blew a head gasket, he has not been around and my daughter does not know him from shit. What do I say, here is your father, take a good look he is dying from AIDS. Anyway, it haunted me because even though I hated him for what I went through, he was a HUGE part of my life. I went to the hospital to see him myself. It was the best thing I did. It was sort of letting him know I can forgive him to some extent and loved him enough to show my face.
My point to you is everyone is human and people make mistakes. You are the only one who can decide to go back with him or not but if you choose to do so, love him but keep your gaurd up with the drugs. Support him to take medication and seee his doctor. If you choose not to get back with him, do not sever ties completly as you may regret it in the long run. He still could use a friend and support from someone who loves him. It is hard to kick the habit but it is also hard to be alone. You decide what is in your heart and know even the drugs in his way or not, he will always love you in return for being a stand up person. Good luck!

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Reged: 02/17/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Gilbert (Phoenix) Arizona
Re: Forgiveness versus Naivity new
      #177114 - 02/24/06 09:06 PM

Good point that Miss Froggie made. The final decision must come from you. I can comment on handling situations with HIV positive people. It can be rough, because your bonds are close, but you can do it. Caring for one is not as hard as one may think. It is no picnic, but what illness is. And that is what it is, an illness, like cancer, if you will. The hard part is watching your loved ones go through it, but on your part, you can be a great caregiver. I hope he can catch the drug thing at the clinic, and if he has done that, he will be much easier to work with, I'm sure.



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Re: Forgiveness versus Naivity new
      #177119 - 02/24/06 09:29 PM

Hey David,
Thank you for your post. Well, I have been with him for over 7 years now. His being positive is not the issue---he almost died this past year, yeah, it was really rough, being so helpless to stop the illness, I wanted to take it away from him, the deception was what is and was difficult. That is the part I'm still trying to deal with. The addiction is why I left him, I will not stand by and watch him committ slow suicide, no enablling going on here. So I divorced him, if he gets clean, and he is at this time and he had clean time the whole of our relationship, so I know him clean and sober, he either gets it or he goes back to the joint, so I think he will get his addiction under wraps. At least that is what I pray for. AIDS back to HIV I can deal with. I love him and I want our life back, just the way it was only with honesty this time. I want no secrets, I beleive that is true intimacy. I still struggle with the betrayal, the secret that came out when he got sick. I struggle with the selfishness of when he thought he was a cooked turkey and just blew me off. Yes, I've been clean a long time, maybe I've forgotten some things. I know I have to look at my part. We can do this together if he will stay clean and take his meds to keep the illness under control.

This I know, LOVE HEALS, is God is either everything or He is nothing, then let God be everything. What would my Father do? Do I have the inner strength? Maybe not of myself, but of myself I am nothing. With him I can do all things. I will go visit my husband-ex, I mean, and see if he seems sincere about his sobriety.

Could he have really loved me and taken that risk with me? Does hiv denial really run that deep? Or was he using me? These questions lurk in the back of my mind, how do I know, how will I know?

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Re: Forgiveness versus Naivity new
      #177120 - 02/24/06 09:39 PM

Fortunately for me, he got clean when we first got together, he hadn't had his child but we got custody of the child when he was 4 and kept him until my husband relapsed on crack this past year. I had no rights to my son, so the family got him back until my husband gets hisself together. I know he can get clean again because he did it before. Mostly the question that has haunted me is why did he keep his status from me. He says he thought God had took him from him, My family is furious, and all of them, mine and his is being very rejecting of him. I don't like that at all. I have a fear that the rejection will driive him back into his addiction even if he stays clean. I believe my reaction to his betrayal is a big part of why he relapsed, because he didn't at first. Everyone was very angry at him, some were supportive at first but the wilder his behavior became the less tolerant people were. People were like how could he do that if he cared for you, he risked your life and health, he was just using you for a place to stay and someone to take care of him.

Maybe it is true, I do not know. I am uncertain. Yet, when I think about it, he hurt himself the most, he almost died because he wasn't tending the illness.

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Re: Forgiveness versus Naivity new
      #177122 - 02/24/06 09:51 PM

Hi, Eric. It is true, secrets are not good. I have tried to not have any. The addiction is mostly the problem, I so hope he gets back his sobriety. Otherwise I can not live with him. I wish he would have just told me everything in the beginning, but that is the past and We can't change the past, the future is not here yet, all we have is today. So I will go visit and take some cigs and some money to him and I will take him to the clinic Tuesday, he stayed off meds while in jail because they isolate prisoners who are pos. He gained weight while in jail, his face is fuller and he's just healthier. Crack kills. Anyways, the wasting syndrome reversed itself and off meds too. He said his back above his butt more like his ribcage is hurting and really bad sometimes, I hope hep doesn't do that, he got into treatment and I pray it takes, i really love him, I miss him, I miss our cozy life together. We had a wonderful relationship, I always believed he is my soulmate. I guess that is why I was so hurt when I found out the betrayal. It still hurts, and it is hard for me to undrstand.

Can someone explain it to me please? Why the huge secret?

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Reged: 02/01/06
Posts: 389
Re: Forgiveness versus Naivity new
      #177130 - 02/24/06 10:55 PM

some people just can't ever conquer their demons.... i was in an abusive relationship years ago and he was addicted to crack & heroin. he's thrown me from the side of the road into traffic, held me by his throat because he swore i was one of "them" he stole everything i ever owned, traded my car for crack for a day and the list goes on and on. i'm sure you know the stories. i would tape my money to my feet & put socks on so he couldn't steal the rent $. he was in and out of jail every 3 months. i would call his probation officer to help me admit him to rehab- constantly. he OD'd 3 times while he was with me from smoking crack. he just kept twitching & shaking... and the it stopped. he stopped. i pounded on his chest & was screaming at him after each breath to get him breathing. he almost drowned himself in the tub 1 night while i was sleeping he decided to sniff some heroin & smoke crack while taking a bath & nodded from too much heroin.. before he could smoke his crack. i woke up to the sound of the water splashing on the tile in the bathroom. he was under the water... i tried so hard to help him, get him in the right direction. but sometimes the things & people we love the most are not good for us. he was so romantic & thoughtful... until he would take that 1 bump to relax, or that one hit because he "had to go get that $5 'this guy' borrowed" and someone passed it to him & before he realized what he was doing it was too late. but this time is different, it's not going to get out of control because.. because because. i don't want to discourage you. i want you to make the best decision for you. i can remember hearing that he would die if i left him, he couldn't go on without me, he would be sooo lost, i'm the best thing that ever happened to him. just give me one more chance.... pleeeeeeease, one more chance. you know what, he didn't die, he did go on, he didn't get lost, and yes, i was the best thing that ever happened to him. but it's not that he did any better or worse than me. he was the same old him. i realized that i had to give MYSELF one more chance, i was going to die if i stayed with him, i needed to stop being lost, i needed to be the best thing that ever happened to ME. try to make sure that the decisions you make has your best interest at heart, give your life a chance.

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