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Loved one violent and has given up
      #164553 - 11/18/05 07:10 AM

My husband who kept his secret status until he became so ill this past year, has become to violent to live with anymore. I have had to leave my home and am very sad and lonely. I miss our live together. I was so shocked when I found out he had risked my health and betrayed me in this way, but I was willing to work through it. I believe in forgiveness, and I forgave him. Wanted to talk, work it out, stay together, of course I was hurt. He seemed very uninterested in our marriage after I nursed him back to health, he hit the child and we lost custody of the boy. He began staying gone, drugging for days on end, with other women. He got violent with me, crack does it I guess. I helped him get into treatment, but the day he got out, he wrecked my car. He is getting worse, I woke up heard him saying he deserved it and came trying to force unprotected sex on me. Now he says I've turned my back on him. So I took a chance and went to take him to find his sister, although he frightens me. I explained to him that we are using tough love and he needs to get help for the drug addiction and reach out, that he hurt us and pushed us away from him. He got angry--I gave him money to get his hiv meds filled. At that point he told me raging at me that he hadn't hurt anyone and screaming at me, so I took him to my home, let him out and got out of there. He called me and told me he would blow my brains out if I try to make him leave the house. I explained that It is my home, and I can't continue to live like a homeless person. He won't listen to me about how any of this is affecting me. I have never seen anyone change so much in my life. It is very traumatic for me and I have filed a vpo at this point and will get a divorce. He obviously never loved me or if he did, he is to full fo anger and self pity to think of me or his child. He is making no effort to get me or the child back. Does anyone know of anyone else--doing these things after getting sick or is the crack doing this to him. I am so confused as to what happened to our marriage, our family, our life. It just cracked apart and I don't know why it got like this. Why would he give up so easily after being positive for more than 20 years. He got sick one time and it's just so crazy. We were all being so supportive and he sabatoged it all.

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Reged: 03/05/05
Posts: 107
Re: Loved one violent and has given up new
      #164677 - 11/19/05 04:02 PM

Girl my heart goes out to you big time. I can only imagine the anguish you are going through. But let me tell you , Iand my spouse have been pos. for over 15 yrs probably closer to 20. And it's not the illness of aids thats driving your man mad. It's the drugs. And crack is such a vicious monster. It will totally change a persons personality. We were addicts for a very long time hubby 30 yrs and me 20 yrs. And we too put family thru so much but we could not see it because our addiction has us blinded. It was even distroying our being together. Two addicts together can be a bit cut throat. You can not allow his threats to go on . Press charges if you have to my dear. Or there is going to be more even serious trouble. He'll threaten scream and lash out but you must stick to your plans. I'm sorry to say it'll probably get uglier before it gets better. There is so much psychological going on within him . His anger is about himself but we tend to hurt the ones we love instead. And by the sounds of it some serious intervention is needed. For us it was jail, many times. But hopefully once his head is cleared he can be forced into a program. You and family do not have the power that is needed . I wish there was an easy way hon but there isn't. Please let me know how your doing. I'm here for you anytime at I will lift you up in prayers hon . Seek God and you'll find the strength. He's the ONE that made the difference for us.

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Re: Loved one violent and has given up new
      #165026 - 11/23/05 04:40 AM

Thank you for the post, River, I've been clean for 13 years myself, and I was out there in my addiction too, maybe I've forgotten how out of control I was, but this is too much for me to handle. Now he says he will blow my brains out if I vpo him or do anything, he's in my house doing crack and I'm on the street. This is to cold blooded for me. I'm filing for divorce, he was in treatment just 2 months ago, he's so into self and self pity for being positive. I'm so stupid, I stayed with him even after him not telling me about being positive and risking my health for 7 years of unprotected sex. I guess this is the way he makes an amends for hurting me and hitting on the 9 year old. He is just not for me. Even his family is afraid of his death threats, he was wanting to kill the dealer the other night, calling me saying he was going get out of all of our lives, kill the dealer and that I'd be dead before he is. I just go to my 12-step meetings and try to deal with these radical changes in my life. He keeps saying he's given up. It's hard for me to believe how much he has changed once he relapsed. My e-mail address is

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Reged: 03/21/05
Posts: 846
Re: Loved one violent and has given up new
      #165104 - 11/23/05 09:56 PM

hey sarbed...

wow,...i'm sorry your dealing with so much. you are such a wonderful, beautiful person, and you KNOW what this addiction is capable of. i guess its easier said then done to get him out of your house....but have you tried contacting a battered womens place. they may be able to help you...even help you to relocate so that he cannot find you. he shouldnt be in your house, while you are out in the cold. if he wants to continue his drugging and killing himself, you're right...only HE can save himself. you've done all you could. I realy do think it would be safer for you to NOT talk to him anymore. Is ther someplace you can go that he doesnt know about? if not, then first you should call a battered womens place for help. you need to be safe--FIRST. do you own your home, or is it rented. because if a battered womens place is able to help you, then you could go there with the police and let them know your fears, and get your stuff. (if you rent)....I know its hard to start over--but if he is going to know where you are and constatnly threaten your life....your safety comes FIRST. i know alot of battered womens organizations will help a woman find safety even if she does have to leave her home. he will loose it eventually...because he is more concerned with drugs then he is paying bills.
listn, i promise to get is crying.


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